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Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour July 20, 2014

The big Beaubowski was about five days late in getting this show online.  But it was well worth the wait, because the show is footage from the GRAY BLOCK PARTY SHOW!

Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
July 20, 2014

After the Jerry Lawler intro, we open to footage of the crowd filing in.  This show is a huge coup for Southern States wrestling, as there are well over a hundred paying fans on hand to watch history in the making.  We also get several shots of The James Family posing with fans and smiling in the ring.

SSW: We’re so good, we don’t even give a shit about spoilers!

And then, because they’ve only got less than 30 minutes of air time to work with, they kill 30 seconds showing some fireworks.

Iron Cross vs Bobo Brazi…er, Bobo Brown

Congratulations to Joe Wheeler, who somehow broke out of his locked henhouse and is now experiencing the kind of sweet, sweet freedom that makes The Shawshank Redemption look like a sad ending in comparison.  In his place, we get Beau James on the mic, assuring us that we will not have a single microsecond of dead air in the matches on this show.

We join this match in progress, and Beau informs us that Bobo Brown (he eventually gets the name right) now has a manager by the name of Damian Archane, who apparently has a long history with Southern States Wrestling, but I’ve never heard of him.  Iron Cross is a masked wrestler, and a former SSW Champion who apparently has a long history with Southern States Wrestling, but I’ve never heard of him.

Archane earns his money right off the bat by handing something to Brown, who uses whatever it was to rake the eyes of Iron Cross while Archane distracts the ref.  Iron Cross apparently dominated the first eight to ten minutes of this match, and I am thankful to Beau for not wasting eight to ten minutes of my life with that footage.

Bobo takes over with SSW Black Man Main Event Offense (like regular SSW Main Event offense, but with some head butts and dancing thrown in) as we get the first of many shills for the ill-fated Friday night TV taping. Elbow off the ropes and a fist drop get barely a one count for Bobo.

Beau says that Bobo doesn’t have the best won/loss record, but he gives 110% every time, shamelessly stealing the gimmick of the late, great LT Falk.  Iron Cross gets reversed into the turnbuckle, but gets a boot on the charging Brown that makes him loopy, yet after doing a full 360 he still hits a charging Iron Cross with a clothesline.

Bobo goes for a Black Fatass Elbow of Shame, but Iron Cross moves away.  The success rate of a diving move onto a prone opponent is about 6% in SSW.  Beau tells us that the fans hate Bobo and his manager for the awful things that they were saying about Gray, Tennessee before the match (like someone from Detroit has anything to be proud of?), but there is zero difference in crowd reaction regardless of who’s on offense.

Cross starts laying in shots in the corner, and I pray for the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon to come out and tell these men to Go Home!  The manager climbs onto the apron, and the cameraman cannot contain all of the action that is going on…not that he’s particularly trying to…until Iron Cross finally goes over to punch him down.

Cross tries to whip Bobo into the ropes, but Bobo reverses, then misses a clothesline on Iron Cross, who rebounds off the far ropes and forces Bobo to perform fellatio, causing him to pass out with Iron Cross on top of him, leading to the academic three count.

Winner in 4:00 aired with the Lou Thesz Is Rolling In His Grave Press, The Iron Cross. -*

Admittedly, the sex-starved two hundred strong fans in attendance did pop for the finish.  Dicks in the face for everyone!

Advertisement for the Gray Community Center TV taping on July 25th.  Hope none of you planned your weekend around that.

Misty James in Action Next!!!

Answer to last week’s trivia question: Jillian Hall is the only woman to have ever held both the SSW Ladies Title and the WWE Divas title.

Wow, we get some paid advertising this week!

Is it more sad if Tim Jones is trying to be blatantly inept on purpose?  I could go either way here, but the fact that he couldn’t even fit his company URL on a single line leads me to believe that he’s just trolling us.

Hattie’s Kitchen Table is back!  But where is the Hardcore Jesus?  I need me some bloody salvation!

We’re back, and Misty James has shaved her head bald, gotten breast reduction surgery, and somehow won the Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship.  Oh wait…that’s Kyle Kool.

Beau James lied to us?  That’s unpossible!  Seriously, it’s not nice to troll Danimal Crossing like that.

Kyle Kool ups the Koolometer by coming out to Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love”, and ups it even more by demanding that the ladies stop staring at his magnificent body.  Well, it’s either looking at his body or DeAndre Jackson’s, and nobody in his right mind is gonna choose that.  DeAndre comes in looking like he’s wearing a clothespin on his nose, and the camera shots aren’t good enough to disprove that theory.

Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship: Kyle Kool (c) vs DeAndre Jackson

So they give us the match they’ve been building to for months on free TV, making this the biggest giveaway in wrestling since Hulk Hogan vs Goldberg.

Beau James tells us that the bell has rung, and then the bell rings.  Please do a better job of synching up your cliches with the footage going forward.

DeAndre immediately takes Kyle Kool with a legsweep, threatens a Boston Crab, then decides to go down for a cover than doesn’t even get one.  Alright then.  Kyle Kool wisely bails out to the floor to reset things.  It wasn’t an armbar, so props for that at least.

Kyle Kool eventually gets back onto the apron and gets slingshot back in the ring in a way that didn’t look contrived in the least.

Oh, by the way, Andrew, I was being sarcastic.

That somehow gets a two count.  Alright then.  Kyle Kool wisely bails out to the floor to reset things. It wasn’t an armbar, so props for that at least.

Remember, Southern States Wrestling returns to the Gray Community Center on July 25th, assuming an old ladies sewing club doesn’t decide to use the room instead.

While Kyle stalls, Beau tells us about how Kyle Kool hired The Death Riders to injure Bobo Brown, and how Equalizer Krunch is on the hunt for Kool after the payoff check bounced, foreshadowing an appearance by Krunch later on in this match.

Third time’s the charm for Kool, as he takes over with a headlock, then whips DeAndre into the ropes for a shoulder tackle.  He comes off the ropes, but gets met by a DeAndre Jackson scissors kick that looks too stiff to not be a botch.  Ouch!  DeAndre picks him and hits Kool with a hiptoss so strong that Kool almost landed on his feet, then follows up with an excellent Fat Man Dropkick.

Kool again bails to the outside, but he’s not really paying attention to DeAndre, who attempts…a missile dive onto Kool!?  But before he can let loose his inner Daniel Bryan, Kool catches the incoming Jackson with a forearms between the ropes.  Beau claims that Kool had that move well scouted, but I seriously doubt that that fatass has ever dove through the ropes to the floor.

Beautiful vertical suplex by Kool, but it only gets a one count.  Kool reverts to the SSW Main Event Offense, allowing Beau James time to extol the virtues of Kool and rehash the last several months of the Kyle Kool/DeAndre Jackson feud leading up to this point.

Kool eventually whips DeAndre into the opposite turnbuckle, slowly charges in…and connects with a splash?  Is DeAndre already too winded to get out of the way?  Kool pulls Jackson back out and delivers a short clothesline that’s only about a 0.1 on the LARIATOOO!~meter, and only gets a one count as a result.

Jackson comes back with a few “soupbones” (all black men call their punches “soupbones”, doncha know), then attempts a crossbody block that Kool simply sidesteps.  Kool is doing a much better job of getting the fans to hate him than Bobo Brown did, as the fan reactions are off-the-chart  compared to the usual show in front of a dozen or so “fans”.

Leg lariat onto the ropes by Kool gets a 2.01 count, as SSW wrestlers are not trained to take dramatic near falls regardless of how slow, plodding, and methodical this referee’s count is.

Kool whips DeAndre hard into the opposite turnbuckle, impressing Beau James, who’s probably grooming Kool as a champ worthy of handing Beau James his 84th title reign.  2.11 count for Kool, as DeAndre is perhaps showing a little self-restraint.

DeAndre reverses a Kyle Kool whip into a Sunset Flip, but Kool is close enough to the ropes to grab them and break up the count.  This Kool clothesline gets an 0.5, but DeAndre rolls a shoulder up at two, as we break for commercials.

An advertisement for singer Chris Brannen, who looks like a fatter version of Paul Heyman (Yes, a fatter version.  I know that’s hard to comprehend, so you’ll just have to check it out for yourself.)

Southern States Wrestling TV stars are coming to the Gray Community Center on July 25th!  Unless the person running the Gray Community Center realizes what Southern States Wrestling is!

We’re back with Kyle Kool in control, as he rams DeAndre Jackson’s head into the turnbuckle.  Wait, why did that hurt him?  Hasn’t this show already established that black men have heads of steel?  Whip into the far turnbuckles, but DeAndre steps up to the second turnbuckle, and flies back in a flying bodypress…that Kool once again steps out of the way of.  The thinking man’s wrestler!

Beau gives Kool credit for being smarter than he looks, but cannot for the life of him understand why Kool does all of this showboating instead of trying to go for the victory.  It’s admirable how Beau goes to great lengths to protect kayfabe, but I wish he’d sit his guys down and teach them the art of the near fall, as DeAndre again kicks out at 2.00001.

Kyle Kool continues to carry this match with a big belly to back suplex, but once again DeAndre fails to sell the pinfall attempt.

I just want one single damned 2.5 count DeAndre, is that too much to ask??

Kool goes back to working DeAndre over in the corner with a series of kicks, stomps, and chokes.  Vintage SSW!

Kool again whips DeAndre into the ropes, who again climbs onto the second rope, and attempts a crossbody block that Kool ducks…but DeAndre fakes him out by staying on the ropes!  Unaware, Kool gets up, turns around, and walks into a a crossbody that finally connects!  But DeAndres fat has the consistency of rubber, so he bounces off of Kool, unable to make a cover.

Kool gets up first, but misses a clothesline on the charging Jackson, who comes off the ropes and nails the champion with a hard forearm.  Weak clothesline by Jackson, and Kool is up quickly, but Jackson ducks Kool’s retaliation attempt and spins Kool around for an Atomic Drop, followed by a Bionic Elbow.

And then, in a move that puts The People’s Elbow and The Worm to shame, DeAndre nails Kyle Kool with a huge Triple Jump Elbow!  DeAndre goes for the cover, and Kyle Kool at least tries to sell it, staying down for perhaps a 2.3 count.

The referee blocks the view of whatever DeAndre was doing to Kyle Kool in the corner, but follows up with a chop so hard that even a few of the Gray Yokels shout “WHOOO!” despite themselves.  Kool fends Jackson off with an eyerake, then whips DeAndre into the opposite turnbuckle, then follows up with a running elbow…that misses!  DeAndre Jackson picks him up on the rebound and hits Kool with his powerslam finisher, which this week is called The Thump, and which this week is actually more like a World Strongest Slam.  1…2…….3!

Immediately after the three count, Kyle Kool gets his foot on the ropes.  The referee sees this and waives off his own three count.  DeAndre is celebrating on the ropes in exhaustion, but the referee goes over to explain that he has not yet won the match.  While this is happening, Kyle Kool crawls over, catches Jackson with a cradle, and puts his own feet on the ropes for leverage to get the three count and successfully retain his title.

Winner in about 10:00 aired via Cheat To Win, and STILL SSW Heavyweight Champion, Kyle Kool.  **1/4

That rating may be higher than deserved from a pure technical standpoint, but I really enjoyed the chemistry that these two guys had, and Kyle Kool had his working boots on tonight  The hot crowd puts this over the edge to becoming the best match that I have ever seen in SSW.

This Friday Night: DeAndre Jackson vs Kyle Kool rematch!  Assuming that the Veterans Club are willing to move their Poker Night, but that shouldn’t be a problem, right?

Next week’s show will also be footage from the Gray Block Party, featuring Misty James trying to regain the Ladies title from Rebecca Lynn, and the match airing in the background right now, Jake Booth vs Equalizer Krunch.  Wait, what?  Wasn’t he supposed to be a part of the Six Man War on this show?

We end the show with footage of the Six Man War.  Because SSW.

Beau James, Jake Booth, and Dakota Booth (w/Misty James), vs Joe Briggs, Scott Sterling, and Equalizer Krunch

Krunch is apparently replacing the advertised Frank Parker because…well, just because.

We see Dakota Booth actually throw a decent dropkick.  Maybe he can become the next coming of Greg Gagne!?

The end comes when Beau James and Jake Booth hit Joe Briggs with a double shoulderblock, then both men hiptoss Dakota Booth on top of Briggs for the pin.  All three men perform a strut to end the show.

Remember when I said that the airing of the finish of the Strike Force vs Hart Foundation match from The Main Event was the most underwhelming thing I had ever seen?

It didn’t hold on to the record for very long.