Matt’s Main Event Recap: 7/22/2014

Tonight, we’re supposed to have Sheamus and Rusev which tickles me so.

Let’s get moving.

We are LIVE(!) from the Amway Arena in Orlando, Florida!

Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are the guys in the booth.
TONIGHT: Details about Steph’s arrest last night.

ALSO: Rusev takes on…SWAGGER?! Wait…what happened to Sheamus?

Seth
Rollins comes out to the ring to start us out tonight.with so much oil
in his hair, Russia’s upset that Europe signed a pipeline deal with his
head.

Rollins is about to speak and…Fandango’s out here. Now. To wrestle. Wrestle Seth Rollins.

Seth, whose Inner Admiral Ackbar is suddenly set to “OFF”, accepts this.

SETH!!! HEY!!!

MATCH #1: Seth Rollins vs. Fandango
Fandango
hits a dropkick off a whip to start. Rollins takes a breather outside
and gets back in the ring, kicking and stomping at Fandango. Fandango
fights back but Rollins trips him and sends Fandango’s head into the
lower turnbuckle. He stomps at Fandango again and puts him in a side
headlock. Fandango breaks free with a Snap Mare and backslide pin for
two. A rush in the corner ends in a Sunset Flip by Fandango for two.
Fandango tries to lock Rollins’ head with his legs but Rollins
Powerbombs him into the top buckle and then hits the Curb Stomp for the
win at 3:08.
WINNER: Seth Rollins via Curb Stomp
GRADE: * (LOOK! STARS!)
Post-match…no Ambrose. So, Creative actually said, “Rollins should face Fandango”?
ON RAW: Editing makes it look like Triple H originally chose Brock Lesnar and not Orton.
AT SUMMERSLAM: John Cena will defend the title against Brock Lesnar.
NEXT: Jey Uso is in singles action.
We get an ad for WrestleMania Rewind starring Rey Mysterio.
MATCH #2: Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso) vs. Ryback (w/ Curtis Axel)
First
lock-ups go nowhere for about the first 90 seconds. Ryback gets in
Jey’s face after he dances and they start trading shots. Ryback misses
two clotheslines and Jey slides out of the ring to chill with Jimmy. Jey
gets back in and tries a Sunset Flip which Ryback counters with a Back
Drop. Jimmy gets stuck in a headlock but fights out and gets another
Sunset Flip for two. Ryback charges but gets stuck in two roll-ups for a
couple two-counts. Jey slaps at Ryback, then goes off the top rope but
Ryback catches him with a Spinebuster. Ryback goes for the Meathook but
Jey catches him and hits the Samoan Drop. Jey hits SHADESOFRIKISHI
because that’s what that move is called now. Axel interferes and Jey
knocks him off the mat. Jey turns around and gets caught with the Meat
Hook, getting the win for Ryback at 4:47.
WINNER: Ryback via Meat Hook
GRADE: **
Do the Usos ever win outside a major Pay Per View?
TONIGHT: Jack Swagger will take on Rusev.
Renee
Young has Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil who looks less than excited.
Their team is called Slater Gator. Titus goes full Dennis Haysbert and
tells him they’re “not a damn team” and Heath needs to sit down and shut
up. He walks off. Heath tells Renee that Titus didn’t mean that.
They’re gonna be the next great tag team. Whoo! Slater Gator! Yep.
Slater Gator, folks. 
We get an ad for Road to Paloma.
FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Roman Reigns will face Alberto Del Rio who is still, frustratingly, being billed as “the former World Champion” in order to drum up excitement.
MATCH #3: Slater Gator (Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil) vs. Big E & Kofi Kingston (w/ Xavier Woods)
Woods
is E and Kofi’s new manager. He even stole Brother Love’s suit so we’d
all think “evil”. Kofi and Titus start things off. Kofi slaps Titus.
Titus hits back and hits a series of backbreakers and then just tosses
Kofi away like a newspaper. Slater tags himself in and stomps Kofi. Kofi
gets up and starts punching back but Slater pushes Kofi into the heel
corner. Kofi tries to fight his way out but Slater catches him by the
hair. Titus and Slater argue. Kofi escapes to get the hot tag and
punches at Titus. Kofi takes out Slater. E picks up Titus. Kofi and E
hit the Doomsday Device…but the match just goes on. Slater is in the
match and he gets a Doomsday Device as Malcolm X-avier yells at E to
stack the two up and pin them. E does at 3:21.
WINNERS: Big E & Kofi
GRADE: 1/2*
Post-match,
Woods barks and makes overdone motions with his arms like a chicken on
steroids as E and Kofi still look like they have no idea why they’re in
this gimmick when they were already successful.
Renee
Young interviews Zeb and Swagger. He says America and Russia have both
contributed to the world — but Russia has only given “Vodka” — and
they’ve been all slamming it non-stop. He calls Rusev “Boris” again but,
having blown the joke on the first two occasions by calling him
“Bullwinkle”, it seems forced. Oh well. WE THE PEOPLE, I guess.
We get an ad for SummerSlam.
LAST NIGHT: Flo Rida performed about the only two songs he’s ever done.
Renee
Young is backstage with both Slater and Gator. Titus says he knew it
wasn’t gonna work out. Slater’s an albatross and he’s “always been bad
luck”. He walks off. Slater says Titus is joking. This will work! Whoo!
Slater Gator, Renee. Slater Gator.
FROM RAW: Brie wants to know what kind of Human Bean Steph is and calls her a bitch. HHH’s Hybrid line (“Is thi–is this a HYBRID?! You guys must be very proud of yourselves! What a great gig you’ve got here…”) cracks me up every single time.
(Danielle informs me that Brie should have been arrested, too, because “fighting back” counts as “assault” in Florida.)
At ringside, Tom Phillips tells us to go to WWE.com for ANY developments in this situation.
Rusev and Lana go to the ring for the main event.
We get an ad for WWE Countdown.
FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Dean Ambrose vs. Cesaro in a No-DQ Match, so I hope that you all delight in Michael Cole should remind you all that “this is all legal” about 73 times during the match.
Lana
says America surrendered a long time ago. Today, in New York City,
somebody put a white flag in the place of the American flag on the
Brooklyn Bridge. Putin is zee best. You know the drill.
Swagger is out next.
MATCH #4: Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter)
Rusev
is limping slightly. Swagger tries to trip him up and gets to a leg but
Rusev holds the ropes. Swagger gets a hold from behind but Rusev elbows
out. Rusev is all over Swagger in the corner and runs Swagger from
corner to corner. He tosses Swagger into the ropes but Swagger holds on.
Rusev charges and Swagger tosses him out of the ring. Rusev can’t stand
on his injured foot and hobbles around. We go to break.
Ad for WWEShop.com
After
break, Rusev kicks Swagger in the chest, knocking him down. He chokes
at Swagger against the ropes and Swagger rolls out of the ring. Rusev
chases and puts Swagger’s head into the barricades and steel steps. Back
in the ring, Swagger tries for the ankle again but Rusev kicks Swagger.
Rusev puts Swagger in an armbar while stepping on his head, then
converts it into a chinlock. Swagger powers out and kicks at Rusev as he
charges Swagger in the corner, then Swagger hits a HUGE clothesline. 
Swagger
tries the Swagger Bomb but Rusev puts his boot up. Swagger counters and
hits the Patriot Lock but Rusev breaks it and goes outside the ring.
Swagger chases and clotheslines Rusev in the head, hitting the Patriot
Lock. Rusev kicks out, then grabs the Russian flag, nailing Swagger with
it.
WINNER: Jack Swagger via DQ
GRADE: **
Post-match,
Rusev climbs into the ring, ready to do some damage to Swagger. Zeb,
however, grabs the Russian flag from him and gives it to Lana. Rusev
screams at Colter. Swagger nails Rusev with a clothesline, knocking
Rusev out of the ring, then gets the American flag from Colter, waving
it as we go off the air.
OVERALL:
About a * for me. This was just by-the-numbers and didn’t advance much.
A fight against Sheamus would have been slightly better than
Rusev/Swagger.
Er…that’s it.
I’ll
be back next week, same time, same website. Thursday’s
double-feature day with the great Scott Keith’s NXT report and
Danielle’s Total Divas recap/rant. Tommy will cover Smackdown to take
you into your weekend and Andy PG will be back to start your week off
right with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday.

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