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Total Divas Season 1 Recap: Episode 4 – “The Fat Twin”

Last episode, “Planet Funk is Funked Up”, was all about Divas having to make sacrifices:

  • JoJo had to choose between keeping her boyfriend or pursuing her WWE
    career and chose the latter. Obviously, as we know, it didn’t exactly
    work out. She’s not only off WWE’s main roster of performers, she’s not
    even on Total Divas. (MATT: How awful do you have to be that they yank you from Total Divas?)  
  • Brie decided to sacrifice living near Nikki (and San Diego’s
    weather) to move to Arizona to be with her Incredible Skyping Dog…oh,
    and her mom and brother, too. 
  • Naomi had to decide whether to sacrifice her ideals and stay with an
    abusive fiance, Jimmy Uso, who in that one episode alone, grabbed a
    remote from her hands, demanded she wears her engagement ring while in
    the ring and threw a glass at a wall when things didn’t go his way.
    Naomi chose to stay abused over sanity and self-respect. (MATT: Though, I don’t know how much self-respect a person using their ass as a finishing move could possibly have…)

This episode doesn’t touch on any of those issues in any great
detail, but we do get to learn more about other aspects of their life.
As usual, Matt Perri will be chiming in with his color commentary as
well.

Kansas City, MO


Birdies 
Nikki is without Brie who is in Arizona (MATT: Wonder if anyone asked if she’s “likin’ da’ rain, gurl” yet…sorry…in-joke.) shopping with (MATT: …and suddenly pretending to care about…) Natalya. They look like they’re in a shoddy part of town but, SCORE! Shoddy Part of Town has a lingerie store! (MATT: Handy for distracting the pervy thugs who wanna steal your wallet.) Nikki wants to check the place out so she can “buy something sexy for John”. (MATT: And, at this point, the editors decide to give us an example of “sexy” by cutting to
something that wouldn’t turn on a 7th-grade Sex-Ed class: a pair of
yellow bikini panties with a giraffe printed on the crotch.)
Natalya
offers to help Nikki find something hot to wear for John. In return,
Nikki wants to help Nattie find something cute for her fiance, T.J who,
in the WWE Universe, is “Tyson Kidd”. Natalya doesn’t think lingerie is
“her thing” – ironic as the Divas costumes are supposed to be uber sexy
and Natalya spends nearly every event showing off her ample boobs, but,
ok.

She’s been with him 13 years, and engaged for 10 of
those. When Nikki asks how things are going with them, Nattie says,
“Ever since he got hurt, our sex life has gone down the drain.”  His
knee was injured months ago and they’ve been living like roommates with
no sex or even any romance. “I come home and I feel like I barely
exist,” Nattie elaborates. Being that she’s a stereotypical woman for
whom shopping is the answer to everything, Nikki suggests she tries on a
hot pink bra and panty set to get things back on track.

“I
like TJ, but Nattie always talks about how he plays with the cats more
than her, they’re kind of like an old couple,” she tells the camera.

Nikki
tries on the hot pink lingerie, herself, to inspire Natalya. This,
after Natalya suggests she buys a nightgown that hides everything on
her. Nikki cringes: “This looks like something you’d wear when your
grandmother comes to visit”. Natalya tries something more sexy on, yet
doesn’t want to come out of the dressing room. Nikki urges her to do so
and, finally, she does, wearing a black silk robe. Nikki’s skeptical and
reaches in to open the rope to reveal a black bra with and panty set
that looks great on her. (MATT: I’ve changed my mind. I award this show ten stars!) (I hope Matt is taking notes for Christmas, because I’m making out half my list just watching this show.) (MATT: You didn’t want the Ferrari F430? Ok, then…)
Natalya also tries on a red set she thinks Tyson will like. Nikki
suggests a set she wore “with tassels while riding her fiance” (This was
off-camera — sorry, Matt.) and makes humping motions to better
illustrate the coupling, as it were.

(MATT: A more playful intro than the epic “TREE DEBATE” from last week.)

Sprint Center – Backstage at Monday Night RAW
Cameron
compliments Naomi’s hair, then really comes alive when she sees Nikki
walk by with a hot pink dress on. The dress works overtime to compliment
Nikki’s enormous boobs (MATT: I swear, they get bigger each time I
see an episode…seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were halfway
up her face next week.)
by allowing the top half of her breasts to
spill out. Cameron is so impressed, she can barely speak, whooping it
up: “Ooooo, girl, look at you…” To which Nikki replies, “When God made
perfection, he gave me these to buy.” (MATT: Wait…if God MADE “perfection”, why would she NEED to buy boobs? Nikki Bella, everyone! Isn’t she great?)
Nikki taunts Brie for having not gotten hers done and says Brie stares
at them a lot. “I can’t help but not,” Brie says, then pauses to snap
her gum, and says, “I know what they looked like BEFORE.”

Cameron says she has so little on top that, sometimes, a bathing suit or dress literally falls off her. (MATT:
Do we have a clip of this? A flashback? Anything? NOTHING?! Oh, for
fuck’s sake…they have the girls flashing back to their last fucking
TEETH CLEANING and they don’t have a flashback of dresses falling off of
themselves…)
Cameron channels her inner high school student and
stuffs her shirt with tissues, Naomi, having none of this, takes them
out and says that that looks horrible, adding “I think her boobs are
great! They’re perky and perfect and they fit her body,”

(MATT: BEWBZ! A semi-acceptable substitute for a PLOT.)

Autograph Booth – Outside Sprint Center
The Bellas (MATT: Boobs.) and Funkadactyls (MATT: BOOBS.) are in booth signing merchandise and Cameron wants to (MATT: BOOBS!!!) make more merchandise money to up her paycheck. She is clearly jealous that the men are looking so much at Nikki’s boobs (MATT: BOOBS, FER CRYIN’ OUTLOUD!!!) and taking camera photos.

Cameron
introduces herself to the show producer camera. Again. She also tells
the viewer that she and “Naomi” are “The Funkadactyls”. Again. They are a
top Diva faction, as if telling us a second time is supposed to make us
like them more. Cameron wants boobs so she can be “thebomb.com” and
calls Naomi, “Miss Thang”, further cementing herself as Token Black
Chick on the show. Naomi says she is perfect and all the really young
girls who see them at the booth would agree. Cameron says she’s making
an appointment just to see how a breast augmentation would look on her,
and she’s taking Naomi because plot reasons.

Daniel and Brie’s Hotel Room
Brie
wants to eat, so Daniel Bryan reads her room service menu to highlight
some dessert options. Brie cringes and says, “With SummerSlam coming, I
think I should be juicing.” Brie says she could lose three pounds in a
cleanse, then pinches her skeletal arm, checking for non-existent fat
and lifting her shirt which is flatter than a cutting board. (MATT:
With a sexy-ass rib cage you could play jazz xylophone with. All she
needs is yellow panties with a giraffe printed on the crotch and the
look will be complete.)
Brie’s body is already perfectly toned and,
if anything, gaining weight (maybe a bit more arm definition) is in
order. Daniel makes fun of her for always wanting to lose 3 pounds and
tells her she looks great.  Awww…now this is what a supportive
relationship looks like. I hope Jimmy Uso is watching this and learning,
but I doubt it.

Tampa, FL

Natalya and T.J.’s House
Natalya is ready for a hot night and sweetly calls Tyson by his real
name to entice him. She’s carrying in a brown bag that has her lingerie
purchase on it. He’s watching TV on the couch. She kisses him but he
barely looks at her. She greets their Siamese cat, Gizmo. She’s known TJ
since they were 10 “back when he was a little brat,” she says. When she
started “wrestling with him”, she figured out that he liked her. (MATT: In other words, they wrestled, he got wood, and they fucked. Just be honest and tell us, Nattie. We’re all adults.) She remarks that he’s “preoccupied” and he says he is because he’s “watching this WWE Pay Per View”. (MATT:
Extreme Rules, it looks like. Really terrible and obvious product
placement. All that’s missing is Michael Cole breaking in to the place
and telling everyone to subscribe to WWE Network.)
She recommends
they have a romantic meal out at Grill 23 which is close to their home
but he’s more interested in watching his “WWE Pay Per View” because “you
just can’t get enough.” (MATT: ONLY $9.99 A MONTH – with a six-month commitment!)

She
complains that, since his injury, she’s become a caretaker to him. She
changes into the black (no tassel) set she bought and he seems more
confused with why she’s wearing it than turned on. “I don’t know if I
have to dress up as Daniel Bryan for him to notice me,” she says in
disgust. (MATT: Wha–. I can’t–. What the fu–. I don’t…) She lays down on the couch next to him, putting her head right in his lap. But he’s still watching the WWE PAY PER VIEW (MATT: You get EVERY PAY PER VIEW WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION!).
What a way to make a woman feel special. Even if he physically cannot
have sex with her without increased knee pain, there are ways he could
make her feel good and satisfied or at least wanted, and none of them
involve watching TV and ignoring her.

Los Angeles, CA

Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – Riot House Restaurant
Nikki
is having breakfast with JoJo and Eva Marie who she still calls
newbies, and states that she has to keep an eye on Eva Marie as she’s
competition. They talk about how they are all obsessed with Instagram.
They vainly brag about showing off skin and boobs. Eva Marie is
concerned with Brie and Nikki’s Instagram because there’s a hater who
comments, “Nikki is SOOO the FAT twin!!”
 
Nikki is upset with this. She’s horrified for two reasons: 1) “somebody used that many O’s”, (MATT: Yep. This was said.)
and, 2) this makes women insecure. Nikki says she should invite the
commenter out and show them “what ‘fat’ really is”. Also, she’s wiping
away tears over this, an anonymous person on the internet. Over somebody
she doesn’t know who, statistically, probably has a larger BMI than she
does.

Eva sits there, feeling sorry for Nikki while
Jojo squeaks something inaudible, I don’t know. I forgot she was there
until they showed her again.

They all sit there in
silence, as if learning that all shoes on Earth are now Crocs, and
pretend that Nikki has an eating disorder.

(MATT: I
Googled that comment. It doesn’t exist. Also, if the commenter was real,
I don’t think he meant “fat” the way Nikki things he does. In other
words, bewbz.)

San Diego, CA

Caffee Bella Italia
Brie, Daniel and Nikki are having dinner. John Cena is conspicuously absent. (MATT:
“Caffee Bella Italia?! Fuck that! The champ is going to be HERE…at
home, watching the Padres game with some chowder my private chef made in
one of my seven kitchens…”)
It’s dessert time and Nikki wants the Lava Cake. (MATT:
This is the part where we’re supposed to all be concerned and
collectively screaming at our TV’s not to do it…but it’s kinda
difficult when Daniel Bryan’s sitting there, watching them argue while
inhaling his pizza.)
Brie tells her “no sweets” and then both Brie and Bryan make fun of her. (MATT: WWE: Don’t Be a Bully.) I’d
eat dessert every day, too, if I could do so and look like that. Nikki
gets it anyway and makes a point of saying how delicious it is. Brie is
mad as they were hired as identical twins and they have to look perfect
and identical at all times — but, then Nikki got “her own set of
twins”, so they’re not really twins anymore in a physical sense. Brie
says Nikki should join her in doing a juice cleanse without dessert or
alcohol. “Does wine count?” asks Nikki who, with that question alone,
makes Honey Boo Boo look like a Rhodes Scholar. Brie’s serious. She
wants to “look identical”. (MATT: Jesus H. Balding Christ on a raft,
just tell their photographer to Photoshop Nikki’s jugs! Am I the only
one thinking this?!)
Nikki reluctantly agrees to 20 days of dieting
— and dips her fingers into the dessert she barely touched so she can
shake Brie’s hand.

Los Angeles, CA

Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – Outside the hotel entrance
Trinity
and Jimmy Uso are ready to go out and he’s already gripping her by the
forearm menacingly. I don’t even think he realizes “bully” is his
default setting. Cameron shows up carrying a Chihuahua she suddenly
owns, named “Noodle”. Cameron claims that she takes Noodle everywhere,
even though this is the first time we’ve EVER seen him. Naomi is going
to go with Cameron to a plastic surgeon so she can see how Cameron will
look with bigger boobs. Jimmy is, allegedly, there to “give a male
opinion”, (MATT: Hey, honey! Wanna come and see how Cameron would look with fake boobs? What a lucky guy.)
He has to squeeze in the back of Cameron’s tiny car and hold the dog.
Jimmy is worried the dog will pee on him. Instead, the dog throws up on
the seat. (MATT: That’s SOOO Noodle, isn’t it??) Naomi and Jey look ill as the dog tosses up cookies in his little car-crib or whatever.

Office of Dean A. Manus, M.D., F.A.C.S. (MATT: B.E.W.B.Z.)
A
plate on the door gives us his name with the title, “Breast & Body”
to emphasize that Manus is really a quack who thinks breasts are not
normally known as body parts. Cameron tells Jimmy he must stay in the
waiting room. (MATT: Wasn’t he supposed to “give his opinion”? What the fuck was he even there for?)
Naomi, obviously competing with Nikki for Dumbest Diva Ever, asks “So,
let’s say she gets her boobs done on Friday…Monday, could she take a
body slam?” Linda laughs uncomfortably and says she thinks that’s
unlikely. 

Linda shows her boobs to the girls — pixelated, of course — and Cameron gets to feel them as well. (MATT: I request unedited material on WWE Network, please. By the way, Dean’s
a plastic surgeon. Linda is his Beverly Hills trophy wife. So she was
pretty much here to give Cameron and Naomi a female face and get felt
up. Is this a great country or what?)
Linda leaves and says, “I
can always flash you again later, in case you want to see.” Naomi
decides Jimmy should see because Stockholm Syndrome Fiance. She goes out
to the waiting room to retrieve him, saying she “has a present” for
him. Jimmy walks in and, bam, Linda flashes him. Jimmy averts his eyes,
thinking he’s just walked into a trap. Naomi gives him a “one time pass,
will never happen again” chance to touch them. Naomi feels — and he
does as well. They both agree they feel real.


(MATT: “That is one…NUTTY hospital.”)
After the filming of Girls Gone Wild: Plastic Surgeon Edition wraps, the ACTUAL doctor shows up to consult with Cameron. (MATT: You mean, this office actually does plastic surgery and you can’t just walk in and feel Dean’s wife’s tits?)
He lets her feel a few implants and recommends silicone. Cameron is
able to try them in the tank top she is wearing. (Personally, as a
petite girl with C cups, I’d never get an augmentation but, hey, having
the implant models might be fun for a night out.) The doctor lets her
take them home to try out how they look and feel. In a moment sure to
insult anyone’s intelligence, Naomi makes Cameron do one of their
routines and the implants bounce all over the place and finally fall
out. We get the obligatory closeup of the models on the floor. Cameron,
adding to an episode which has set women back 70 years, says, “I hope
that doesn’t happen when I’m dancing!”

The doctor
tells her she would need a month to recover to be back in the ring
after the operation  but that two months is ideal. I’m assuming the
company doesn’t give Divas paid time off so, already, our little Suze
Orman wannabee is losing money. That’s assuming her insurance covers
this 100% which is doubtful. Naomi tells the camera she cannot have
Cameron take off two months now.

(VINCE: Fake boobs? I’ll allow it!)

San Diego, CA


Casa de Juice
Nikki jokes that Brie is taking her to get a
milkshake. Brie assures her she’s not, but says Nikki could shop at the
nearby mall after. They go inside and Brie orders two “Go, Green, Go”
drinks and makes the juice guys add beets to them to “detox” all the
alcohol Nikki had last night. Even if Nikki had drank a whole bottle of
wine as her dinner last night, it’s out of her system by now, but we’ve
already gone nuts with the whole boobs thing, so let’s go the full nine.
“I know Nikki better than anyone,” Brie explains, “and giving my sister
tough love is the best way to get her in shape.” (MATT: Brie looks like an anorexic Anjeclica Huston. She looks exhausted and you can see her skeleton when she leans forward.) Christ,
if she lost any more weight, Nikki would make stick figures jealous. A
wine-maker or ice cream company could even have Nikki model the body she
has while consuming their stuff and pay her in product. It’s a win-win.

Nikki
takes one sip of her drink and makes a disgusted face. Brie says they
are going to have five Go Green Go’s a day. Perhaps Brie forgot, having
moved to Arizona now, that Farmers markets and even regular supermarkets
sell fruits and vegetables. They can buy healthy foods they like and
make their own smoothies.

Tampa, FL

Surf Shack Coastal Kitchen
Remember Natalya? She’s in this scene! Tyson takes Natalya out for lunch, claiming that he “ate here once with Christian.” (MATT:
Christian is one of the MANY WWE Superstars on WWE NETWORK! Only $9.99
per month! I can just picture sex: “Doggy style is like a takedown hold
used by Curt Henning!”)
Natalya has been putting pressure on Tyson
to be “romantic” and pulls out the big guns: suddenly wedding planning
after a full decade. Nattie wants a “small wedding” as she already has
50 people in her wedding, including 36 cousins. She’s thinking 150
people. She wants their “WWE family, my family, a couple of your
friends, it wouldn’t be everyone” She gets to have all her relatives and
he only gets a few token people. No wonder they are still engaged at
this point. Heck, I’m surprised he put a ring on it at all!

He tells Nattie that marriage is “just a piece of paper”. (MATT: Awwww…how romantic!)
Natalya, not wanting to be the only Diva who doesn’t get married on
this show, instantly caves to just 50 people. Tyson is too busy with
rehab and other “things he has going on”. What, is he designing and
programming video games? He doesn’t wanna think about STUFF right now,
man.

San Diego, CA

Nikki’s Gas-Guzzling SUV OF DOOM
In
yet another moment of deep, philosophical conversation, Nikki asks Brie
what kind of animal she would be if she could pick any. Brie makes
Nikki pick first, so Nikki chooses a lioness. “Of course: you want to be
on top of the food chain, ” Brie says, to which Nikki replies, “I could
eat anything I want.” Brie declines to choose an animal and instead
grills Nikki on the juice cleanse. They’re on Day 2 and Brie expects her
to be dizzy and hungry. Nikki is ready to eat anything at this point (MATT:
This, despite Brie’s promises that the Green shakes would “cure her
hunger”. WWE couldn’t get diet right to save their lives.)
and claims that she “won’t make it” with the diet. Brie gives her a juice in a bottle calling it a “road soda”. (MATT: Said with the same creepy excitement as a drug dealer explaining the newest street high)
Nikki hopes it’s “spiked with rum” because DUI’s are badass and
extreme. Nikki says she is so grumpy and hungry that she’s gonna kill
someone, “I’m gonna slaughter a cow now and just eat its flesh.” (MATT: She wouldn’t touch a hamburger if she WASN’T on a diet.)

Los Angeles, CA

Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – The Sundeck
Jimmy Uso and Naomi are having breakfast by the pool when Cameron shows up. (MATT: Yelling, “Holla, bitches” like that’s something she normally does.)
She’s wearing the model implants inside her bikini top and it’s really
weird. Jimmy’s impressed, I guess. Cameron takes off her robe and shows
she has a turquoise bikini on, Naomi is amazed that Cameron has been
wearing them day and night and even slept in them. “If you’re gonna do a
test run, girl, you have to do it 100%, you can’t just do it 50%,”
Cameron tells her. “You’re taking the test drive to a whole new level.”
Naomi tells her. Naomi tells her she must test them in the pool then.
Naomi gets in first and pretends to be drowning and has Cameron do the
slow Baywatch run to rescue her. A model implant falls out immediately
and floats on the surface.

(MATT: The first genuinely funny moment happens here when Naomi says, “Silicon implants FLOAT…who knew?”)

San Diego, CA 

Nikki’s Apartment
Brie says it’s hard to just do the cleanse and implies she’s not consuming anything besides the juices. (MATT: Hey, uh…isn’t Brie supposed to be in Arizona with her magical dog?)
Brie notices Nikki is too quiet and suddenly transforms into Sherlock
Holmes, going through Nikki’s trash, where she finds an empty wine
bottle. Brie grills her but Nikki is like Perry Mason in the courtroom:
she’s ready to defend herself. (MATT: God bless her, she actually says, “Wine has antioxidants, so I don’t consider it a full alcoholic beverage.” Nikki is like walking, talking E-Card meme.)

Brie digs through Nikki’s trash some more (MATT: She’s surprisingly good at that.) and finds evidence that Nikki ate a muffin. (MATT: Oh no. Actual food.)
Brie berates her, saying it was going to help these identical twins get
back on track on looking alike. Amusing, since Brie can’t seem to put
two and two together to figure out that Nikki has giant boobs and she
doesn’t. Then she says “No wonder people think you’re fat on Twitter and
a WHORE!” (MATT: Uh…subscribe now or…?) Brie says Nikki “was doing so well and she just threw it all away.” Brie leaves her twin’s apartment in disgust (MATT: A running theme.)
that her sister couldn’t give her 20 days of a juice cleanse that
probably has very few doctors and scientists thinking is a good idea.

Los Angeles, CA

Cameron’s Apartment
Cameron’s
boyfriend, Vincent, can’t wait to see her with her model implants in
her bra. Since all the blood has left his brain on the way to his penis,
he offers to name her new boobs. She comes out with different size ones
on each side, letting him feel them. She walks away and puts on a set
of bigger ones. He names the left one Janice. She says they are too big
and walks away without letting him feel them. Vincent wipes his sweaty
face all over their couch blanket — and then sniffs at it like an
animal about to mark his territory.

Random Beach – WWE Summer Slam Photo Shoot
Brie mocks Nikki by saying how she feels great because she is in such great shape. (MATT: The look pretty much the same as they did at the beginning of the episode.) Nikki
apologizes for cheating on the cleanse but says people hurt her
feelings when they say she is fat, and then when Brie says it, it really
hurts. Nikki storms off. (MATT: Is there a scene where these girls DON’T storm off?)

Brie
follows Nikki to their trailer for the shoot. She’s sick of Brie making
her feel insecure. She wipes away tears, saying, “Let me embrace who I
am. I love having curves.” (MATT: Uh-oh…Nikki better stop crying…those tears contain precious water weight.)
Brie apologizes to Nikki and says she hounds Nikki because she,
herself, is insecure. She’s always looking in the mirror and finding
flaws. If Brie does ever become pregnant, someone is going to have to
take all the mirrors out of her house, if not hire a psychiatrist to be
there 24/7. Nikki reminds her that, after the shoot, she can eat
whatever she wants (as can Brie) and that Brie said she will pay for it.
They hug it out and everyone is okay and normal again and nobody has
anymore weight issues. Yay!

They shoot the
commercial and Brie has changed her entire outlook: “I think its OK if
the Bella Twins do not look identical. We’re not clones, we’re twins,”

Tampa, FL

Natalya and Tyson’s House
Tyson
has a surprise for her, they’re going for a car ride and she’s ecstatic
that he has something romantic planned. Natalya is confused as to where
they’re going as “the further we drive, the neighborhood starts to get a
little sketchy.” She’s even more put off when they get out at the city
courthouse. “We can just get this done right now,” he tells her, in
regards to marrying her on the spot. He’s confused as he thinks it was
to celebrate their relationship and as there are only two of them in it,
they should just get married by themselves. “I’ve waited years for this
day, and this is where TJ wants to get married?” she tells the camera.
He wants to go in and get it over with, she wants to go home. She
finally unloads on him, telling him that he treats her like a friend,
pays more attention to the cats, and that’s why she wanted a big
wedding: to feel she had a romantic day. She runs away from him, telling
him, “I’m not even getting married to you.” She tells them that the
thirteen total years they’ve been together mean nothing to him if this
is how he wants to get married. (MATT: TJ even calls her “Bridezilla” at one point. Thaaaat’s not good.)

Monday Night RAW – Backstage
Cameron
is enjoying bouncing around with her implant models in place. She shows
them to WWE Seamstress Sandra and allows her to feel them. Sandra likes
them so Cameron asks her to sew them into her costume. Sandra
apparently likes this idea and even told Cameron once that when she
(Sandra) was eight years old, her breasts were the size of what Cameron
has now. Even WWE’s elderly seamstresses make more women feel insecure
about their bodies. If there are any women reading this, please know
that breasts are beautiful in all shapes and sizes, they truly are. (MATT: This show is like ABC’s After-School Special series. Only kinda goofy.)
Cameron realizes if she has an augmentation she may make her smaller
breasted fans feel insecure…but enough feeling bad! She still wants
the model implants sewn into her costume especially with Sandra egging
her on.

Cameron grabs her top with enhancements and
brings it to the locker room to show The Bella Twins. “Damn girl, looks
like you’ve been shopping in my closet,” Nikki says. Cameron leaves her
costume unattended and, lo and behold, one of the implants goes missing.
Cameron flies off the handle and blames Naomi, who happens to be near
the costume. Naomi denies it. Naomi cracks up and Cameron accuses her
again and says she won’t go out like that. “You’re tripping, your’e
going out with or without that boob,” Naomi tells her. (MATT: Never,
in my life, have I ever heard anyone say, “Help me look for my boob” and
I don’t think I will ever hear that phrase again.)
Naomi
tells her to just put her old padding on the side with the missing
boob. Cameron refuses to go out and lays prostrate on the floor, I
guess, to pray for a miracle.

Rather than using the
padding Naomi suggested and that Cameron has allegedly used before, or
going to Sandra, Cameron starts stuffing paper towels in her top.

The Funkadactyls go into the ring and dance behind Tons of Fun as usual. Everything seems OK.

The
Bellas are watching the match on a TV backstage and John Cena comes up
to them. Brie admits they played a prank on Cameron. Nikki confesses
that she took one of the implants. Cena says that’s not nice and then
accuses her of ruining people’s lives. Cena proclaims himself “a nice
person” and play-lectures them. He says that he’ll be over in the “nice
section, doing nice things.”

The Funkadactyls return
backstage and Nikki asks if they lost something. She has the implant in
hand and even takes paper towels out of Cameron’s top. (MATT: Can we
see the uncut version where Cameron doesn’t act like a passive goofball
and, instead, kicks the holy shit out of Nikki and Brie?)
Considering
it appeared to go unnoticed by the WWE Universe even with the active
moves of the Funkadactyls running into each other chest first a few
times, the prank wasn’t that effective at all. Nikki hugs her and says
it was just a joke.

Cameron is scared of going under
the knife and, as she wants to be a role model, she thinks it would be a
bad decision to get the implants put in for real (though she will let
Sandra continue stuffing her tops).  Brie is happy that Cameron is
making that decision.

Los Angeles, CA


Natalya and Tyson’s House
Natalya
comes home and Tyson has a romantic evening for her: candles, wine,
strawberries,  rose petals on the floor, and a rose bouquet. She says
this is the most romantic he has ever been. (MATT: This takes little to no effort. What was “romantic” before this?)
How did he propose then, with a coin and a ring box, heads, we get
married, tails, forget it? He apologizes for not being romantic enough.
As he’s not a mind reader she should tell him when she needs something
from him. (MATT: Bingo.) She apologizes for being out of line,
having lost sight of why they were getting married. She’s thinking they
should have a beach wedding, and he likes the idea. Their Siamese,
Gizmo, can be the ring bearer. She toasts to more romance and they kiss.
He says she should go put the lingerie back on.

Er, that’s it.


This week’s punch goes to: Brie for recommending a
ridiculously strict, probably dangerous diet to someone who already is
uber-insecure about her weight and who is already in fantastic shape
and, when it goes south, is incredibly rude. I’m shocked WWE is
promoting something that could hurt people.

This week’s hugs go to: Nikki  and Cameron. Both
women came to the same conclusion that it’s OK to love your body as is.
Cameron further realized choices she makes can influence others. (I’m
giving Nikki a pass on the fact that she changed her body with implants –
that was before this show and her implant stealing prank. It was mean,
but she did return it and Brie had driven her to near insanity with her
insistent focus on her weight.)

That’s it. Sorry this was so late. We’ve had a busy week and had to coordinate time to finally get this done. Andy PG will start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday. Hope all is well!

Thank you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.