Last Saturday, July 12th, history was made at the Appalachian Fairgrounds Block Party, as the epic Six Man War between the James Family and The Cripplers went down. I’m sure you’re all dying to know what happened. Well, I’m not a guy that lets his fans down…
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
July 13th, 2014
First we dig out the old Dutch Mantel plug (aka WWE’s Zeb, as Beau helpfully points out), then we get a recycled rock music wrestling montage as our opening for this week, much of it very old and with very much more fans in the stands. And we get to see Arn Anderson!
This gets us through a whole minute before we’re welcomed once again by Joe Wheeler, who seems to have gotten breast enhancement treatment (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and Dakota Booth, who wastes no time flubbing the very first words out of his mouth despite having his ubiquitous cheat sheet in hand. Joe Briggs will take on newcomer Nate Diamond. And the new SSW Ladies Champion Misty James will take on Rebecca Lynn!
SSW Trivia: Which former WWE Divas Champion is also a former SSW Ladies Champion? Answer on the next review!
Joe Briggs makes his way to the ring with the most durable trophy in wrestling. I neglected to notice last week that Joe Briggs is now sporting a completely bald dome. While boring, it is still way better than what he was working with before, and makes Dakota Booth the undisputed SSW King of wretched haircuts.
Briggs has also been putting in extra time at Samson’s Gym (on the Cornor of 5th & Broad), and is shows. Take a look at this crisp Cenacanrana:
The jort-wearing master himself could only do it slightly better.
Once a month, Beau splurges on bussing in an indy guy that can halfway work a match to face the only guy on his roster that can halfway work a match. This month’s jobber de mois is Nate Diamond, who looks a little like a blond Zack Ryder. But can he half ass it in the ring as well as Zack? Let’s find out!
Southern States Wrestling Half-Assed Workrate Championship: Joe Briggs(c) vs Nate Diamond
The announcer sees fit to give us Nate Diamond’s weight, but not that of Joe Briggs, showing that he’s no slouch at half-assing things either. Anyway, the bar is set at two stars boys, show us what you got!
They start with the obligatory armbar, so Briggs can showcase his ability to do a one-handed cartwheel. Nice try, but it’s still a minute long armbar contest, that’s finally won by Diamond with a headlock takedown.
Whilst they writhe on the mat, Joe Wheeler and Dakota Booth review the workout session between Briggs and Dakota last week. In summary, Joe Wheeler says that Joe Briggs is not a likeable guy but you have to respect his wrestling ability. And Dakota Booth says “Like hell I do!”, though of course not nearly as succinctly to the point. Dakota also tells us what his family is going to do to the Cripplers on July 12th, as Beau James plays fast and loose with the space/time continuum.
Leapfrog by Briggs leads to a hiptoss attempt blocked into the real hiptoss by Diamond. Nate follows up with a whip into the turnbuckle followed by a back bodydrop, a staple bump in every Joe Briggs match.
Diamond jumps high and takes Briggs down with a scary headscissors that looks more like a headscisscors spike DDT. I would have absolutely bought that as a finish, but Briggs pops up quickly thereafter, so it obviously wasn’t meant to be as devastating as it looked. He follows up with another that looks a lot more pedestrian, so I’m not sure whether to say it was better or worse.
Another corner whip followed up with a weak clothesline, but Diamond redeems himself with a nice dropkick. This is too much action for the SSW crowd to handle, so Nate settles things down with a snap mare into a good old fashioned headlock. I’m not digging this match very much thusfar…the LT Falk match felt like both guys were actually trying to win a wrestling match, whereas this feels like two guys acting out a carefully rehearsed ballet performance.
Joe Briggs eventually forces Nate Diamond to the ropes, feigning a clean break but eventually hitting a head butt to the solar plexus. Briggs sends Diamond into motion, which nine times out of ten backfires on Briggs, and it does so here as well as Nate hits a sloppy cross bodyblock for a two count. Diamond heads onto the apron and goads Briggs into approaching so that he can hit him with a shoulderblock, then just barely gets over Briggs with a Sunset Flip that gets two.
Briggs recovers with a rake of the eyes, then hits a side backbreaker that’s good for two. Briggs continues to expand his moveset with a side Russian legsweep that gets Joe Wheeler reminiscing about the late Brad Armstrong, and I can’t believe that I’d forgotten that he was already dead. Yet Jake Roberts, Scott Hall, and Beau James are still with us. Crazy.
HELLACIOUS knife edge chop by Joe Briggs that not one hillbilly “Whoos!” for. Briggs tries again to no avail, and in his frustration at this sleepy crowd sends Nate Diamond into the ropes, but you can’t Irish Whip Diamond, who hits a much better Sunset Flip for another two count.
An irate Joe Briggs gets up and levels Diamond with an 0.8 on the Kyle Kool LARIATO!~ scale. Briggs takes time to taunt Dakota Booth before making the cover, and only gets a two count as a result. Joe Wheeler tells us to go back in the past on July 12th to see the big six man tag match!
Diamond back on offense in the corner, and it looks like he wants Briggs to reverse the whip into the corner, but Briggs slips and thus has to feebly slam into the far corner anyway, so Diamond rushes to take a boot to go down instead.
We’re recycling their limited moveset for the third or fourth time now, as Diamond reverses a whip into the corner and catches Briggs coming out with an awkward back bodydrop. A couple of awkward clotheslines follow, and I’m guessing that Mr. Diamond is blown up. And that guess proves right, as his third clothesline is the shittiest looking clothesline since the last Misty James match.
Briggs sells that for the minimum amount of time possible before sending Diamond into the ropes, this time getting caught with a bulldog. How the hell does the guy in control of the Irish Whip, looking at his opponent the entire time, get caught by surprise by a bulldog? It might have made sense when they were planning this match over beers, but Joe Briggs looked like an idiot sticking his head out like an ostrich for two seconds to make that possible. This was supposed to be the spot in the match where the contender looks like he can pull off the win, but Briggs kicks out at 2.01 because he has no sense of timing.
Speaking of no sense of timing, now is the time where Briggs hits his inverted DDT out of nowhere, completely against the flow of the match, for the one two three.
Winner in about 7:00 with the Premature Ejaculation and STILL SSW TV Champion, Joe Briggs 1/2*
Joe Briggs can do Cenacanranas til the cows come home, but without a veteran carrying him he has no idea how to structure a match. A bunch of random stuff happens for 6 to 10 minutes, then he hits his stupid finisher out of nowhere to end it. He should spend less time in Samsons Gym and more time watching NWA matches on the WWE Network.
Among the usual church and SSW hype commericals we get Beau James pimping his Birthday Bash on July 16th. Tickets are $10, $8, and $5. Bring your own chair!
We’re back with Rebecca Lynn for another monotone interview. Her time is July 12th, and she’s going to take Misty James out. But why wait until July 12th? Let’s do this right now on July 13th! As Rebecca Lynn heads into the ring, ostensibly to wait for Misty to answer her challenge, Joe Wheeler introduces a five minute video package of interaction between the two women over the past week, which leads into another commercial. Somebody bring Rebecca Lynn a book, sounds like she’s got a long wait in the ring…
Misty James is in action next, featuring the shitty hiptoss of doom!
We get the Jerry Lawler promo! Wonder if he paid to have that on the show this week?
We’re back with full introductions. No weights given for the ladies, though there’s a good chance that they both outweigh Nate Diamond.
It looks like this will be a title match? That would explain some other jumping around the space/time continuum seen on Facebook last week.
Southern States Wrestling Ladies Championship: Misty James(c) vs Rebecca Lynn
I don’t think that this will be the match that ends a six week drought of moves off the second rope.
A couple of decidedly unerotic go behinds leads Misty James to hit a surprising schoogirl takedown for a two count. That’s like Daniel Bryan hitting Randy Orton with the Busaiku kick ten seconds into the match with Orton kicking out!
Dakota wants to call the match, but all he can think about is the fight that he’s going to be getting into yesterday. Live in the now!
We get a minute of armbars that I boycott. I don’t rate armbars.
A couple of bizarre two handed chops by Misty James put Rebecca Lynn down. Misty is lurching around like The Great Khali out there. In other words, her mobility has greatly increased. Must be all the trips to Samson’s Gym. Or perhaps she’s getting some lovin’ from Samson’s Joe.
Extended series of SSW Main Event Offense from Rebecca Lynn ends with a choke in the ropes, though the title is on the line, so she does break at four this time. Snap mare/kick to the back combo hits a 0.03 on the Daniel Bryanometer, about three times better than Misty does it, but it’s only good for two. Joe Wheeler tells us that the title could change hands right here tonight, meaning that it would be Rebecca Lynn who goes on to defend against Misty James yesterday.
It’s generally scary watching Misty run the ropes. Rebecca caught her coming off with an elbow, but I fear that slamming into the ropes like that hurt much worse. Rebecca demonstrates the proper way to run these ropes: slow down to a stop two inches before them, lean slightly into them, then lurch back in the other direction. I reckon that Misty’s chop did hurt more than the ropes, but she still has enough left in the tank to grab the ropes to escape at two.
Now Misty hits her trademark biel of bullshit, and the crowd goes wild! Maybe she will be the Florence Foster Jenkins of wrestling, headlining Madison Square Garden at age 75?
Misty kills about 30 seconds with a rear chinlock before Rebecca takes her down with a jaw jacker, using her head literally (literally, Joe tells us!) so that they can rest some more.
Misty takes a page from the Joe Briggs Book of Psychology, hulking up out of nowhere to hit four forearms and a double arm chop that gets a 2.01. Is every single SSW wrestler afraid of waiting for at least a 2.5 count to build some drama!?
From the middle of the ring Misty hits Rebecca with a short whip into the corner, then follows up with a splash that surprisngly does not miss. The second one is also true. But the third time is the charm, as Rebecca Lynn gets out of the way, correctly catches Misty on the way down with a schoolgirl, and even kinda/sorta gets her feet on the ropes to get the three count. New champion! What a surprise!
Winner in about 5:00 via Ric Flair homage that nobody in attendance gets, and NEW Southern States Wrestling Ladies Champion, Rebecca Lynn! DUD
Rebecca’s hard work in the last five seconds ends the streak of shows with negative star ratings. Rebecca grabs the belt herself as Misty stares from the ring in disbelief, and Dakota Booth displays actual emotion for the first time tonight…which he can use as an excuse for his “Misty James cheated out of losing her title” line.
One last Beau James voiceover for his Birthday Bash on July 16th. Misty James has a return match with Rebecca Lynn for the title on that show, so I assume that her match July 12th didn’t go so well either.
We’ll be back again next week with who knows what. Bring your own chair!