The SmarK Retro Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #6 – May 1986 – Taped from Providence, RI – Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan – Hulk Hogan & Junkyard Dog v. Hoss & Terry Funk. The faces have midget wrestler Haiti Kid in their corner, so the Funks counter by introducing future jobber Jimmy Jack Funk. I’d have gone with another midget myself. (You never go full midget!) White tights and kneepads for Hulk here, just to hammer home who the good guys are, I guess. The faces clean house to start, with Hogan doing JYD’s headbutting schtick, except that it’s the glare off his bald spot that does the damage. Terry misses a blind charge as the match starts proper, and the heels regroup outside. Back in, Dog clotheslines him and Hoss (Dory Funk Jr.) comes in against Hulk. Funny spot as the Funks get confused on a criss-cross and Hogan boots them down. Elbowdrop gets two on Hoss. Dog comes back in with another clothesline for two. The Funks take over with a double-team in the corner, but Terry loses a slugfest. Hogan comes back in and cleans house, but Jimmy Hart attacks the midget with the branding iron. Tragic, as we get the sad image of a midget on a stretcher. Terry Funk, master of ruining the moment, then stomps on the guy on the way out while we take a break. Now THAT was funny. Back with Hoss throwing forearms on Hulk. Hogan gets dumped and Terry gives him a shot with the branding iron, and soon it’s a donnybrook. Hogan backdrops Terry on the floor, leaving Hoss alone in the ring to take the big boot. Dog comes in and misses a charge, so it’s back to a recovered Terry. He goes up and misses a diving headbutt, and t’s over to Hogan, who quickly drops the leg to finish. (Hogan & JYD d. Funks, Hogan legdrop — pin Terry, 10:20, *1/4) This was a really long comedy match and never found any direction. – King Kong Bundy v. Uncle Elmer. Vince, as usual, is creepily enthused by hillbillies, although given his mental breakdown in the past year, that almost seems normal for him. (This would have been written around 2006) In fact, given a choice between having RAW as his personal therapy session and listening to him howl about hillbillies, I’ll take the latter. Tim White, pre-suicide, is the referee. (I feel like I’ll have to explain that one to someone.) A test of strength proves to be a stalemate, so Bundy hammers him down. Elmer slugs back and uses his only weapon — his ass — but misses a blind charge, and Bundy finishes. (Bundy d. Elmer, elbowdrop — pin, 2:32, DUD) Elmer disappeared soon after. – Paul Orndorff v. Adrian Adonis. Orndorff gets a series of slams to start, which sends Adrian running. Back in, Paul whips him over and out again. Back in, Orndorff gets an abdominal stretch, but goes after him in the corner and gets caught with a cheapshot. Adonis charges and gets dumped, however. Orndorff tosses Jimmy Hart at him like the proverbial lawndart, and we take a break. Back with Orndorff using an airplane spin of all things, but a chase of Jimmy Hart leaves him open to a megaphone attack. Adonis takes over with a flying kneedrop and an elbow for two. Suplex gets two. Flying splash hits knee, however, and Orndorff comes back with a running knee and more punishment for poor Jimmy. Dropkick sends Adonis into the post, but Mr. Wonderful is too aggressive and shoves the ref, drawing the DQ. (Adonis d. Orndorff, DQ, 9:24, **1/4) This would foreshadow Orndorff’s summer heel turn on Hogan. – Jake Roberts v. Ricky Steamboat. Jake was the hot new heel at the time, sporting a full-on mullet. 3″ in the front and 12″ in the back, Tino. Jake attacks before the bell and DDTs Ricky on the floor, and we have no match. (Man, I kind of undersold that one.) Dragon meets snake, which is ironic considering Ricky’s righteous indignation before the match about that sort of behavior (“I won’t tolerate it!” was the exact quote, which exactly the kind of trash-talk that shows why he was never a heel in his career), and thus the summertime B-show headlining feud is born. – WWF tag titles, 2/3 falls: The British Bulldogs v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. This begins the weird tradition of having tag title matches on SNME be 2/3 falls. Davey dodges a charging Russian (presumably by taking away his credit card) and rolls him up for two, but gets dropped on the top rope. Sheik gets a quick german suplex and camel clutch for the submission at 0:55. Ouch. We take a break and return with Davey getting worked over in the corner by Sheik. Abdominal stretch, but Davey hiptosses out of it. Volkoff stays on him with a clothesline, but Davey gets a sunset flip behind the ref’s back. Sheik carries on with a side salto for two. Davey comes back with an atomic drop for two. Volkoff suplexes him for two. Back to the foreign corner for some cheating by the Sheik, and Volkoff gets a slam for two. Volkoff celebrates prematurely, however, and Smith rolls him up for the pin at 6:02. Vince McMahon’s call of this has to be heard to be believed, as he’s all “What an IDIOT!” and even Bobby Heenan is shocked at how mean-spirited Vince is being. I mean, seriously, talk about kicking a guy when he’s down. (Maybe that explains his treatment in 1994?) Anyway, third fall, and Volkoff is hammering Davey again, as I wonder if Dynamite was injured yet again. Sheik adds the LOADED BOOT OF DOOM and applies a Bahrain Crab, but Davey makes the ropes. Volkoff gets a backbreaker and bearhug, but Davey breaks out and then powerslams a squirmy Sheik by sheer force of willpower for two. That’s a neat spot because you don’t often see the other guy fighting the move like that. The Kid has finally seen enough and tags himself in, but gets pounded in short order. Sheik gets the side salto and the camel clutch, but the Bulldogs play switcheroo and Davey rolls him up for the pin. Uh, they’re wearing different color tights, how dumb was that referee? What an IDIOT. (Bulldogs v. Sheik & Volkoff, Davey rollup — pin Sheik, 9:55, ***) Quite an entertaining little tag match to finish the show. The Bottom Line: The tag title match was a nice little bit of entertainment, the rest was worthless summer filler. Add the Bulldogs to a compilation and forget the rest.