You people have gotten too spoiled with fresh crappy matches every week. It’s time for you to experience a staple of Southern States Wrestling: the clip show.
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
June 29th, 2014
But first, a ten bell salute for former SSW Heavyweight Champion Brian Overbay, complete with “wRESTle in Peace” graphic. Classy stuff, Beau.
This is followed by the two second version of the opening intro.
Last week, if you will recall, with extensive use of imagination, the James boys (Beau, nephew Jake Booth, and nephew Jake Booth) were beaten into a bloodless pulp by The Cripplers. Are they dead? Let’s find out!
Joe Wheeler, wearing the man-boob enhancing Polo shirt, opens solo in a wood-paneled office with a large potted plant and two huge checks in the background. It is unclear whether those checks are going to various charities, or have been received from them.
Joe highlights the major plot point of the past several months: Frank Parker, Scott Sterling, and now 9-Pin Tap Champion Joe Briggs, collectively known as The Cripplers, have been on a vendetta to eliminate Beau James and his family from wrestling. Things have gotten ugly and downright brutal. I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments.
But it’s all coming to a head. July 12th. Appalatian Fairgrounds. Gray, Tennessee. The Block Party. A big six man tag between The Cripplers and The James Boys! And we’ve got a special video package to review all that’s happened.
Thanksgiving 2013. Frank and Scott beat up Beau and Misty during an interview
Christmas 2013: Beau James vs Frank Parker, last man standing match. Frank beats Beau after outside interference when referee Jimmy Valiant (yes, that Jimmy Valiant) rules Beau unable to continue. The Cripplers beat on Beau’s back with a baseball bat, necessitating surgery. Randy Hales sounds absolutely sloshed on the mic. They must not have been able to pay him in crack.
The beatdown was so brutal they can’t even show us the footage! Except when they forget that.
More after the break. I don’t care if this is a clip show, Joe Wheeler talking alone is still better than 95% of the other things I’ve watched since starting this review.
TV Taping in Gray on July 25th. Beau James Birthday Bash on July 16th. And of course, the six man war on July 12th at the Appalatian Fairgrounds in Gray, Tennessee, the mecca of redneck wrestling!
And let us not forget the night after. July 13th, Preaching Christ Church, Kingsport Tennessee. Hard hitting wrestling, followed by sermons from the stars of Southern States Wrestling. TESTIFY, BOBO!
Finally, a spoiler alert: Mick Foley and Jim Cornette made the booking!
Back to the studio, where Joe Wheeler stands with the Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool. Most of those checks in the background say “The Food Experts”, so I guess they must be the folks propping this company up. I wonder if we’ll see a fatter version of Dixie Carter running things soon?
Joe tells Kyle Kool that he will be defending the SSW title against DeAndre Jackson at the Appalatian Fairgrounds show on July 12th. He’s heard DeAndre calling him a chicken, but he’s standing here now and can’t find DeAndre anywhere. They’re gonna fight on the 12th, and it’s gonna be KOOL BABY! They really need a stool for him to stand on at times like this…it doesn’t look good having a heavyweight champion that’s six inches smaller than the announcer.
Clip footage of Evil Bearded Joe Wheeler interviewing Beau back in March. They really need some slimming stripes for him to wear at times like this…it doesn’t look good having the top babyface be a hundred pounds heavier than the fat-assed announcer. Beau’s not a rich man in money, but he’s filthy stinking rich in love! We use the scroll-down fade in iMovie ’04 to jump ahead to the point where Ray Idol and Frank Parker have entered the picture and started bickering amongst themselves.
This ends as all such segments end, with Frank Parker laying the smack down on everybody. Even Joe Wheeler takes a Beau James quality bump. But Misty James is able to wrestle a chair out of his hands, and the Booth Boys do a double team beatdown to prevent things from getting too bad.
Cut back to the studio, and for some reason we now see Joe Wheeler’s Twitter Handle SSWJoe. He has made exactly one tweet in over four years. Now would be a good time to show him some love.
Joe throws it out to yet more footage: The Cripplers reign supreme until Beau James returns to clear house.
Footage is also shown from the June 8th show and last week, and I’m too lazy to re-review it.
Final comments from both sides after the break!
“This spot can be Your’s for only a few Dollars a week!!!” I think that Scott should take advantage of this in order to take The Blog of Doom to the next level.
As a result of snatching Dakota Booth and throwing him into the ring for a beatdown last week, Frank Parker has been suspended from appearing on television, but the Cripplers are still represented by Scott Sterling and the man with the most durable trophy in wrestling, Joe Briggs.
The Battle Lines have been drawn, and Joe Briggs chooses to side with success! Joe Briggs has spent his entire life fighting, losing weight, getting in shape, and stepping into the ring. And on July 12th, the James family will find out exactly what he is: white trash with a bowling trophy.
Now Scott’s here to tell us that what happened to Dakota last week is nothing compared to what’s gonna happen on the 12th! Beau should’ve stayed gone! You know Scott is serious because he waves his left arm 83 times. He also drops a vague reference to Joe Briggs’s “Doctor of Destruction” nickname that has never been used on Southern States Wrestling. That’s about as “inside” as SSW ever gets. Beau, you should have stayed gone! Now it’s too late! The Block Party is gonna be a party for The Cripplers! And I only have 45 seconds of talking points for a 90 second interview, so let me say all of that again!
Now it’s OH MY GOD, DAKOTA! Why did they cut the footage of Joe Briggs assaulting Dakota Booth with a pair of hair clippers and giving him a shitty haircut just like him!? That must have happened, because nobody else would choose to look like that, not even in Tennessee! But not even that fazes a pro like Joe Wheeler, who no-sells the abomination to hard-sell the qualities of Dakota Booth: an all-star high school athlete in baseball and basketball. But can he get it done in wrestling? Dakota is the smallest guy in this war, and Joe Wheeler is very concerned about his safety.
Even though Dakota is the smallest, he’s a MAN! He’s 22 years old (wow, I assumed he was 16), and he dares say he’s smarter than any of those other guys. He knows that he’s the strongest and the toughest of them all! His family believes in him, and he’s got a big advantage: confidence! That confidence comes from a Book that he reads, and he’s going to tell us all about it.
It’s a story about David, brother, and he went up against this nine-foot giant named Goliath. And in front of 250,000 Philistines, brother, David didn’t know if Goliath was gonna do business, but as he slingshot Goliath into the ropes, he could hear the big man shout “Slam Me Boss!”, and David pressed that 40000 shekel wart-infested giant and slammed him so hard that the First Temple crumpled to the ground! And that’s what Dakota is going to do to you, Cripplers!
Meh. Dakota bodyslamming Frank Parker would be bigger than any Biblical miracle that I could think of.
Beau James continues the Goliath theme, even though it looks like he’s eaten Goliath. He heard Scott Sterling say…wait, Beau James, is screaming, so this should be bold. And this probably deserves the full transcript treatment as well.
“I’ve heard Scott Sterling say that I shouldn’t come back! Well look in THESE eyes, Joe! 26 years in this profession, 14 years old when I first stepped in the ring! I looked across the ring at men I knew was gonna beat me half to death! I didn’t back away from them because I have no fear! The only time in my life I have had fear was lying on that operating table when they say count backwards from a hundred! And you’re looking at those lights and they’re talking about putting tubes down your throat, and they’re talking about cutting your body open! Frank Parker, Scott Sterling, you tried to take away from me! You tried to end my career! You tried to take away what I love! The sport of professional wrestling! And that wasn’t enough for you! You tried to jump on my nephew Jake Booth, separating his shoulder! You tried to jump on my nephew Dakota Booth, try to beat him down, spit on him, HUMILITATE HIM!
And even worse you had to come right here on this television week after week, talk about my mother and my father, talk about my brother-in-law Steve that you put out of professional wrestling for good! You have pushed this family until our backs are against the wall! Let’s think about this Joe Wheeler, you’ve been calling my matches for 20 some years. Jerry Lawler, Bill Dundee, Jimmy Valiant, The Mongolian Stomper, The Fantastics, Ivan Koloff, Robert Fuller, Jimmy Golden, and we can go on and on and on! All came here to the Tri-Cities, and they all said “We’re gonna shut Beau James’s mouth! We’re gonna put him out of wrestling!” (never saw that side of The Fantastics before…) Well who’s hand was raised? Because when push comes to shove, who’s the dirteist man you have ever seen in that ring?
July 12th, right there just five days before my birthday! Just six miles from my home, right down the street from where I graduated high school, I am not coming to wrestle you, I am not coming to fight you, I am coming for a war! And there’s no better way to walk into a war than with your family. You can talk about him being small. You can talk about Jake being inexperienced. But here’s the thing: a family that fights together, stays together!
July 12th! Frank Parker! Scott Sterling! Joe Briggs! It’s time to pay some dues! It’s time to pay the fiddler! And right here he stands! First time in the ring in the Tri-Cities in seven months. I’m coming to hurt all three of you, plain and simple.”
Joe Wheeler tells us one last time: July 12th. Be there.
Say what you will about Beau James, but the man knows how to give a go-home promo, with more passion than you’ll ever see in the WWE. I wonder if the wrestlers drink the Kool-Aid like they did for Paul E.
I’m glad that I can’t get out to the Appalatian Fairgrounds to watch this show. I would hate to tarnish my image of that promo with what that decrepit whale carcass can actually do.