Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Yesterday on the Blog of Doom, we presented a special tribute, recognizing the Southern States Wrestling career of LT Falk. However, some 25 hours later, the facts of this horrific tragedy are now apparent.
Therefore, other than my comments, there will be no mention of Ms. Falk’s name tonight.
On the other hand, tonight’s report will be dedicated to everyone that has been affected by this terrible incident. This evening marks the first step of the healing process. Tonight. SSW performers will do what they do better than anyone else in the world.
Cheap Memphis heat.
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
June 22nd, 2014
We’ve got a great crowd in Gray, Tennessee, as history is being made! Beau James returns to the ring, as the special referee for the match between Jake Booth and Scott Sterling. Law and order will prevail! We also have The Death Riders in the ring behind us, so it looks like we’re gonna waste no time with intense SSW action!
DeAndre Jackson vs Chic White
According to Solie’s Vintage Wrestling, both Chic White and his partner Equalizer Krunch are both former SSW Heavyweight Champions in the mid-90’s, so this team has an APA level of star power.
DeAndre Jackson is extremely cautious getting into the ring…but evidently not cautious enough, as he gets leveled by the other Death Rider while in between the ropes. I’m not sure if he slips or DDT’s Jackson’s head on the apron, but regardless it’s effective, as Chic comes down to make it a two-on-one beatdown on the floor.
Chris Norris tries to make the save, but a rake of the eyes is enough to take him out for good. Joe Wheeler tries to sell this as something terrible, but seems to have overdosed on his Xanax this morning, and his monotone “things are getting crazy here in southern states” line is uncharacteristically laughable. Shane Royal also tries to help, but the eye rake of doom puts him down as well.
The coup de grace comes as both Death Riders pick up DeAndre and slam him on the floor! Never mind that it was so low and gingerly than my grandma could safely take that bump, they slammed him on the solid hard concrete floor!!
I understand why it take Beau James this long to waddle down and help, but what’s Jake Booth’s excuse? Anyway, they chase the Death Riders away…a good ten feet away, to where Joe Wheeler is standing, as they really test the boundaries of this “arena”. Equalizer Krunch tells us what this about…Kyle Kool has mailed them a check to take DeAndre Jackson out. Hey, Krunch wasn’t just throwing the SSW title away from a Crackel Barrel meal, he was securing future business! And what Jackson said in his promo three weeks ago wasn’t lunacy, it was a premonition!
Anyway, it’s a check with a lot of numbers on it, and obviously Kyle Kool is good for the money, so they haven’t even bothered to cash it yet. Hell, they’ll take Confederate money, because money is money! The jobbers cart Jackson away as we get a replay of The Death Riders gently setting Jackson down onto the concrete before going to commercial.
We replay the footage from last week of Misty James regaining the SSW Ladies Title before being beat down by vanquished champion Miss Rachael, her “companion” Kit, and Rebecca Lynn.
Back to live action as Dakota
reads from his notes interviews Rebecca Lynn about her actions last week. This feud with Misty James goes back a long, long time, and is about much more than the title! And if she’s as big and as bad as she says she is, then she’ll get in the ring with her right now!
Misty James is country strong, of course she’s gonna come out and fight! They both hit the ring and circle over half of it in a collar and elbow tieup until the former champion Miss Rachael intervenes. They both team up on her and send her into the ropes, but Misty holds on and bails out, not willing to take on two at a time. This makes Rebecca Lynn unhappy, and for a second it looks like the heel women are gonna get to clubberin’, but it turns into a comedy segment. Fortunately, half the crowd is made up of six year olds (some sick kid in the Southern States should make a wish for John Cena to come down here, and make Cena’s wish come true for once) and the schtick goes over well with them.
Foley is coming…Foley is coming…Foley is coming…
Bobo Brown is on the screen and he’s pissed! He’s pissed because he has to buy time to say his piece, because nobody in production can find time to squeeze him in! None of you crackers respect him! His partners lose, not him! He’s a winner! And that Jamie Gibson guy is the biggest loser of them all! And he just happens to be standing right there! And if he wants TV time, he can step in the ring with him! Bobo agrees, but wants it to be known that he has more wins than Gibson. Gibson has no response to that, so he punches Bobo in the head. Instafeuding at its finest!
Between that paid promo and Samson’s Gym, Beau is rolling in the dough this week!
Oh my God…
Jake Booth vs Scott Sterling – Special Guest Referee Beau James
We’re only 12 minutes into this show. If they give these guys 15 minutes, that might be the straw that breaks the intergender wrestler’s back. I’m not sure what the point of putting the heel in a handicap situation is, but let’s give it a shot anyway…
Collar and elbow tie up sends Sterling into the ropes, and a clean break by Jake. Beau can’t be bothered to wear a traditional referee’s outfit, and indeed looks sloppier than any of the fans. Stay Classy, Beau. Dakota is happy with the numbers game, because if things go wrong it will be his family delivering the blow! I don’t know how to respond to that. Does this mean that they are breaking me?
This time Sterling backs Jake into the corner. Sterling goes for a punch, but the referee blocks it, and Jake punches back. Dakota and Joe Wheeler are having all kinds of fun with this. Poor Scott.
Dueling armbars give me a chance to take a break. I don’t rate armbars. Sterling breaks it up by stepping into the ropes, and the referee smacks his ass because SSW.
And I think the referee also flips him the bird? That’s not very Christian-like!
Armbar by Jake, and the referee yanks Scott Sterling’s hair to bring him to the mat. I guess that’s why they didn’t use Frank Parker in this match. I hate to admit it, but this Memphis heat really plays with the little kids and hillbillies in this crowd.
Another yank of the hair, as Beau James makes Danny Davis look like Tommy Young.
While controlling with the hammerlock, Jake Booth twists the nipple of Scott Sterling. The referee scolds him for not doing it hard enough, and shows Jake the proper way. That’s wrong in at least a dozen ways, number one of which is that they’re not facing any of the crowd that would react to those moves.
Suddenly Beau starts calling the match down the middle, and Sterling takes over with his SSW Main Event Offense as a result. It should be noted that nobody has dared climb to the SECOND ROPE OF DOOM since they moved to this shittier venue with a shittier ring ropes last month (I think you have to go back to March when Eric Darkstorm was the last man brave enough to venture to the top rope)
Jake gives me another break with another armbar.
Sterling gets to the ropes, but the referee makes an extremely slow count to give Jake another 15 seconds with the hold.
The next ten seconds are some of the most over-exaggerated fake shit you’ll ever see in a so-called wrestling match. Jake Booth can do some things when you move at 20% speed to accommodate him.
Like another armbar…
Fuck this, I’m shooting to the end.
Scott Sterling has Jake Booth down in a spinning toe hold, but Jake kicks Scott into uncle Beau, who actually takes a half-assed bump (literally half-assed, I’m telling ya!) While Beau is down, Sterling slips an international object on his hand and cold-cocks Jake with it.
Beau pulls himself up with all the grace of Andre the Giant in his dying days, and walks over to Sterling. He’s hidden the evidence, but a fan says that he hit Jake with something in his hand. Beau searches for the object, but then just blasts him in the head anyway, as it looks like we’re getting our second non-finish tonight (third, if you count the women’s encounter) About nine minutes and definitely worse than DUD, but I just can’t get myself to watch all of it for an accurate count.
Finally, some justice for Sterling, as his partners Frank Parker and Joe Briggs hit the ring. All of a sudden the numbers game that Dakota crowed about has turned the other way, as Parker, Sterling, and Briggs lay an SSW Main Event Beatdown on Jake Booth and the beached whale. Dakota shows an ounce of intelligence by not jumping into the fray, but loses points for his complete lack of emotion of commentary.
But Frank Parker isn’t content; he wants the whole enchilada. So he jumps out of the ring, disappears off-screen (because the hard camera can’t swivel that far), and returns with Dakota in tow, heaving him into the ring as one sad fan screams “C’MON DAKOTA!”
There are no impressive moves here, just a large number of punches, stomps, kicks, chokes, and elbows to all of the James clan. And after the way that they stacked the deck against the Cripplers, you can’t say that they didn’t have it coming. Joe Briggs does slip in his inverted DDT finisher on Jake Booth. He’ll likely be scolded in the back for showing up his elders like that.
The three minute assault finishes with Sterling taking the intercontinental object to the small of the back of Beau James several times (unfortunately showing us a large quanity of pasty white Beau gut in the process) before the satisfied trio finally leave the ring, Joe Briggs taking the opportunity to tell the hard camera that they are CRIPPLERS, and that’s what happens when you step in the ring with them!
Joe Wheeler breaks out his “this is serious” voice, as the camera zooms in on a wart on Beau’s arm. The family squirms on the mat in silence for several seconds…and we go off the air five minutes early? I bet Vince doesn’t have the balls to do that with RAW!
This show was all about angle progression, with no match going to a conclusion. It’s almost as if they were trying to throw so much stuff at us that we all forget that a certain she-male ever existed.
Until next time, stay classy Blog of Doom!