Welcome, everyone, to the Tuesday thing where I make little to no sense but, occasionally, use wrestler names so you know what I was trying to say…
We are LIVE(!) from Ottawa, ONTARIO, in Canada!
That’s all-caps for Ontario, by the way because Tom Phillips goes out of his way to emphasize the province. Can’t imagine why they did that…
|When WWE comes here, it doesn’t say, “San Jose, United States”…just sayin’…|
Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton are your guys in the booth.
TONIGHT: Chris Jericho has The Highlight Reel and his guest will be Bret “The Hitman” Hart!
We have Brandi Rhodes (Cody’s wife) in the ring as our announcer and she introduces Sheamus. He comes down to the ring and says he has a nice boot on his foot that will make Del Rio’s face look like a Pinata after it’s been hit. When he beats Del Rio, he’ll win the IC Title and merge it.
Del Rio appears on the big screen and says HE will be the one to merge the title, then starts speaking Spanish. Sheamus interrupts and says that he doesn’t understand Del Rio…this match they’ll be in tonight will be ANYTHING GOES – Kendo Sticks, chairs, ladders, what have you.
Del Rio goes Full Stereotype and says Sheamus has had “too many Cervezas”. Sheamus should kiss the title good-bye. Sheamus tells Del Rio that he’s through talking and wants Del Rio out here NOW.
Del Rio’s music hits and out he comes.
MATCH #1: Sheamus (champion) vs. Alberto Del Rio (challenger) in a Last Man Standing Match for the WWE United States Championship
The two slug away at one another and fall out of the ring. Sheamus toss Del Rio into the barricade and the ref counts to two. Del Rio tosses Sheamus into the ring post but Sheamus is up and the brawl moves to the announce table. Del Rio rams Sheamus’s head into the table. Sheamus responds by hitting Del Rio with the table scaffold, then a Rolling Senton. Del Rio gets up at three and grabs the Wicker Stick of Doom and whacks Sheamus with it as we go to break.
After break, it’s Sheamus laying on the mat as Del Rio belted Sheamus across the face with the stick off the ropes. Sheamus has some nice welts and bruises already as Del Rio hits a sitting dropkick. Del Rio tries for another whack with the stick but Sheamus catches him and slugs away at Del Rio, hitting the Lariat to Kneelift combo. He charges at Del Rio in the corner but Del Rio kicks him and charges. Sheamus catches him and it’s the Irish Curse Backbreaker.
Ref counts again but Del Rio is up at seven. Sheamus has the stick and Del Rio begs him not to use it. Sheamus isn’t having any of that and uses it anyhow. Sheamus goes for White Noise after Del Rio gets up but Del Rio counters with a DDT. Sheamus gets up at four and Del Rio kicks at Sheamus, then charges but falls outside the ring ropes. Sheamus hits Ten Beats 20 times, then shoves Del Rio into the announce table. Del Rio gets up at nine and we take another break.
We get an ad for Wrestlemania Rewind…starring CM Punk. That’s interesting.
Ad for Total Divas…
And we’re back. Sheamus hits a Side Suplex on Del Rio, then goes outside to grab a chair. When he gets back in, Del Rio hits Sheamus with the Kendo Stick, then kicks the chair into Sheamus’s face. Del Rio slams Sheamus in the back with the Kendo Stick. Sheamus gets to his feet and Del Rio hits a knee on a whip into the ropes. Del Rio goes outside this time and grabs a chair. He gets inside, Del Rio swings the chair and Sheamus catches the chair, rips it from Del Rio, tosses it and hits a Powerslam.
He calls for the Brogue Kick but misses. Del Rio counters with a Backstabber. Ref begins the count but Sheamus is up to his knees at seven. Del Rio tries the Mini Superkick of Doom but Sheamus dodges and hits White Noise. Ref gets to nine and both men manage to get up. Del Rio falls back over as Sheamus goes under the ring and grabs a table as the crowd pops BIG. Sheamus sets up the legs and positions it in the corner. He grabs Del Rio who hits an Arm Breaker, then an Enzuguri.
Ref counts again…but Sheamus gets up at eight. Del Rio kicks at Sheamus and hits the Cross Arm Breaker which serves NO purpose except to give Sheamus a chance to pick Del Rio up by the arm and toss him into the table, which is exactly what happens. Both men ar down. Sheamus gets up at nine — as does Del Rio. Sheamus hits the Brogue and the count is on again…Del Rio gets to the ropes, gets to his knees at nine…but falls to his chest and Sheamus retains at 17:07.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Sheamus
GRADE: B-. Not bad. I’ve seen better LMS matches.
Phillips and Saxton talk about the return of The Miz as if anybody cares that Miz is just more of a dick than before. And — question: Jericho wasn’t exactly cornered by The Wyatts and…frankly, nobody ever is…why doesn’t anybody ever roll out of the ring? There’s bravery and there’s smarts. Everyone prefers to get their asses kicked by these guys instead.
AT BATTLEGROUND: Chris Jericho takes on Bray Wyatt
Renee Young is backstage with Jericho who is stoked for being able to fight Bray Wyatt. Jericho repeats his speech on Smackdown — word for word. He calls Bray a spider and he kills spiders. Bret Hart is coming to The Highlight Reel and, after he gets here, it won’t ever be the same.
STILL TO COME: Bret Hart on The Highlight Reel.
Ad for WWEShop.com
RAW Rebound: Cena and Rollins TALK BACKSTAGE!!! Then clips of pretty much the same ending we had last week.
AT BATTLEGROUND: The Fatal 4-Way between John Cena, Roman Reigns, Kane and Randy Orton.
Nikki Bella is out to face 6 Divas. Why don’t they just tie her to a car and drag her around a sharp rock pile at this point? Anyhow, Nikki’s got enormous boobs. So, there’s that.
MATCH #2: Nikki Bella vs. Total Divas (Naomi, Natalya, Eva Marie, Summer Rae, Rosa Mendes, & Cameron) in a 6-on-1 Handicap Match
Mendes starts with Nikki and gets arm-dragged to the mat. Cameron isn’t out here…so why advertise her at all? Nikki gets tossed into the corner and it’s a tag to Summer who hits a suplex with Mendes’s help. Two count.Tag to Eva who clotheslines Nikki and pins her for two. Tag to Summer and it’s a beating in the corner as Phillips is pissed about how “unfair” this is. Saxton proclaims that Nikki is, essentially, paying for Brie’s actions as Brie “disobeyed” Stephanie by quitting. Huh? Anyhow, the match ends at 2:39 when Eva hits a DDT.
GRADE: F. So, Cameron didn’t show up despite being booked and Natalya and Naomi didn’t even get in the match…why didn’t they just make this 3-on-1 and have the Face Divas make the save?
Post-match, the evil Divas celebrate and then just stand around and stare as Naomi and Natalya (who didn’t even bother to get into the match) consoles Nikki. Cameron suddenly appears from a Portable Hole some place and attacks both Naomi and Nikki, then runs her ass off for the dressing room when Naomi chases her. That got a bigger pop than the match we just saw.
It’s Free Preview Week on WWE Network! SIGN UP!
It’s Highlight Reel time…
Jericho loves his Jerichoholics and is thrilled to have The Highlight Reel…RIGHT HERE IN OTTAWA!!! He introduces Bret Hart who looks beyond worn out and old. Hart is happy to be here, in Ottawa. He says it’s a great time to be in WWE because of the Network. Hart talks about Jericho in his dad’s “dungeon” in the basement which sounds creepy no matter which way you slice it. He says Jericho tapped out to his sister and Chris turns red and grins and says that his sister was a tough girl.
Jericho wants to know who Hart considers his great rivals. He lists Mr. Perfect, Undertaker, Steve Austin…but HBK is the one he likes the most and he will never forge–FUCK, IT’S SANDOW.
Sandow comes out in the sleeveless camo and cowboy hat and jeans, dressed like Shawn Michaels. Jericho calls him fat and says his nose and ears have gotten bigger. Sandow insults Hart and says that Hart’s family liked him better. Hart completely misses his cue to punch Sandow, completely telegraphs it after realizing he screwed up…and then finally does it. Sandow sells it like he’s Shawn Michaels against Hulk Hogan and Hart hits The Sharpshooter. Jericho tells the timekeeper to ring the bell — and they do and the crowd is happy.
Hart’s music plays him out and we’re done.
OVERALL: D- show tonight. Danielle says WWE is starting to appeal to the LCD crowd. Though I want to argue that it always has, I have to agree that the quality has taken a severe and worrying nose-dive.
Danielle, who will have a Total Divas recap. Tommy will cover you for Smackdown and Andy
PG will start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on
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