BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE.

I’d like to thank CoolTrainerBret for this, as he wrote everything but one segment.

BoD Raw opens with FIREWORKS~! Looks like the pyro budget is still intact after a legal hurricane. Suddenly, unfamiliar music hits, as some blond Ryan Gosling-looking motherfucker comes out towards the ring. This man enters the ring and informs us that he is Mike Cannon, and due to legal issues Brian Bayless is not here tonight, so Cannon, as a Disqus TV executive, is taking over the show. He promises a corporate rebranding to cater to specific demographics, as the internet rabble says “WHAT?” to his every word. He then promises a high quality evening that will leave the fans sports entertained. He thanks everyone for their support as hes pelted with urine-soaked plastic cups and beer bottles and exits the stage.

Mar Solo and Devin Harris vs Gideon Stargrave and Steve Stennick

This looks to be an interesting tag match. Not only are the UnStable inside Mar Solo’s head, but hes tagged with a head case in Devin Harris. Tough odds for him to overcome! Solo starts with some hard-hitting forearms on Stargrave, pinballing him across the ring with authority. Stennick tags in, and fares no better. Stennick tells Solo to quit fighting like a goddamned smark. Solo continues to take him apart with forearms. CLEARLY THEY ARE INSIDE HIS HEAD. HIS PERFORMANCE IS AFFECTED. Baker stands on the apron and screams advice to his charges, telling them to rape him like his first name was Stephanie. Molo whips Stennick into Baker. HIS HEAD. THEY ARE INSIDE IT. The UnStable regroups outside the ring. Baker pulls out….a switchblade? He then goes to work on the canvas, trying to cut it lengthwise from corner to corner. Why…? Suddenly, Stargrave attacks, hitting a low blow in full view of the ref! IS THE UNSTABLE INSIDE THE REFEREE’S HEAD? Stennick tags in and gets physical with Solo, saying “Now you know how it feels to wrestle in Japan, puro mark!”, as he barely makes contact with his forearms. Straightjacket Suplex! 1…..2….no! Solo kicks out. In comes Stargrave. THE RING IS EFFECTIVELY CUT IN HALF< JUST LIKE BAKER IS TRYING TO DO WITH THE SWITCHBLADE. INSIDE. HEAD. Stargrave slap boxes, then tries Solitary Confinement (Inescapable Wheelbarrow Rollup)…..and SOLO ESCAPES! BUT HOW? THE UNSTABLE IS INSIDE HIS HEAD! Solo then potatoes Stargrave with a rear elbow, and dives to his corner to MAKE THE HOT TAG TO DEVIN HARRIS! THE ARENA IS GETTING FUN-KAY!!!! GET DOWN WITH THE D-D-H! Left Slap!(oooh) Right Slap!(ooooooooh!) Down Slap!(OWWWWWW!) Up Slap!(YAY!) Funky Dance Steps!(oooooooooOOOOOOOOOOH!) SPINNING BACKHAND PIMP SLAP!(YEAH!) Stargrave is out! Stennick comes in…..SPINNING BACKHAND PIMP SLAP TO STENNICK! THAT ONE ROCKED! Baker threatens to book Harris in part of a stable with Miz, Ziggler, and Ryde-SPINNING BACKHAND PIMP SLAP TO BAKER! Harris tags in Solo and plays to the crowd! Solo sets up Stargrave…..Falcon Driver(Michinoku Driver)! 1….2…..3! Solo and Harris get the W!

After the match, D-D-H offers to get FUN-KAY with Mar Solo……but Solo just walks away! CLEARLY THE UNSTABLE ARE STILL INSIDE HIS HEAD! Harris doesn’t care……AND HE DOES A JIG! HA HA HA, LOOKIT D-D-H DOIN A JIG! Commercial!

Trainwreck Spotfest for the BoD Writer’s Championship
Stranger in the Alps(c) vs Rock Star Gary vs AndyPG vs Logan Scisco vs Paul Meekin vs ?????

This looks to be a mighty fine match. Stranger in the Alps comes out first, holding his championship in the air. Rock Star Gary is next, rather off-put by his boss being gone. Andy PG is next, ignoring the hatred of people holding up cardboard stars. Logan Scisco enters to zero reaction. Paul Meekin is pelted with feces-soaked cups and bottles of Mark’s Soft Lemonade. Then the mystery entrant is revealed……and hes a midget carrying a small dog with a billion yard stare. Uh oh. He is introduced as Dave Selfish. The bell rings and HERE WO GO!

Alps, PG and Scisco immediately go after Selfish, but are held back by Gary and Meekin! THOSE BASTARDS. A wild brawl ensues, sprawling out into the ringside area. PUNCH! KICK! FOREARM! KNEE! DOUBLE DRAGON SPINKICK! TIGER UPPERCUT! COME HERE GRAPPLING HOOK ATTACK! HADOUKEN! Gary has his head bounced viciously into the IRON steps by Alps! Selfish has his head bounced into the iron post by Scisco! Meekin has his head bounced into the rack of a fat goth girl by Andy! The brawling gets intense! People are down! Alps goes into the ring…..RUNNING PLANCHA TO THE OUTSIDE ON EVERYONE! DEATH DEFYING! Everyone heads back into the ring. Blows are exchanged! Bodies fly everywhere! Dave Selfish gets lawndarted into the turnbuckle by Scisco! Selfish is in trouble……Thread Reply(Reverse STO) on Selfish! Scisco turns around and eats a kick from Gary…..White Line(Sleeperdrop Neckbreaker) to Scisco! Gary then eats a basement dropkick from Andy! Andy ascends to the top turnbuckle……**3/4 Frog Splash onto Gary! Andy is then blasted with a clothesline from behind by Meekin! Andy is in trouble…..Roger Ebert Special(Umaga Thumb Strike) to Andy! Meekin celebrates his win prematurely…..but he gets lifted a few inches off the ground by Dave Selfish…..INTO A KIDDIE CHAIR DROP! MEEKIN IS OUT! Selfish threatens legal action towards the audience and brags about his four houses, but Alps is unimpressed. SWISS DEATH TO SELFISH! HOLY ****! SELFISH IS OUT COLD! 1….2…..3! Alps retains!

Alps celebrates with his championship……only to see Tommy Hall at the ramp sarcastically applauding him as we go to commercial!

We’re back with Parallax1978, Cultstatus and Abeyance chillin like villains in the Top 5 Lounge. Mike Cannon strolls in like a smooth criminal. Parallax1978 demands to know who gave him a key. Cannon reacts with mock surprise, as he sees Parallax in street clothes and thought he informed Parallax1978 that hes got a match next! PArallax1978 is frustrated! Parallax1978 thought his match was going to be the main event! Cannon politely informs him that Parallax1978 and his two friends don’t draw here, so they don’t deserve to be in the main event. They just comment. Vinson, on the other hand, helps the BoD marketing machine with his ass gifs, while Jobber continually acts as a worthwhile content producer for the BoD Universe. The other 3 members of the Top 5 need to prove they belong in the “big leagues”. Cannon then wishes Parallax1978 luck, as he’ll be facing some wrestling royalty! Parallax1978 is pissed!

Parallax1978 vs ???????

Parallax1978 awaits his opponent. A royal-sounding African theme is heard……AND OUT COMES THE PRINCE OF NIGERIA, CARRIED ON A THRONE BY TEN CLONES OF RAJA LION SHILLING PURSES AND SUNGLASSES AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE ON A SPYWARE SITE! WHO EXPECTED THIS? The Prince of Nigeria finally enters the ring after a five minute entrance, and formally bows to Parallax, who axe kicks him in the back of the head! Parallizer(Neck-Drop Powerbomb) to the Prince of Nigeria! 1….2…..3! What an impressive win for Parallax! He crushed that prince like a can of spam!

Security guards stand at the super secret Top 5 lounge entrance. They step back and open the gates as an emerald green Bugatti makes its way down the driveway and into the personal parking spot of Jef Vinson.

A valet opens the driver side door as Mr. Vinson steps out. Straightening his shirt he tells the valet, “Don’t forget the lady in the passenger side.” Scurrying around to the other side of the car he opens the door for a young blonde with a thick French accent. She is wearing a mink jacket with matching fur boots and a short skirt making her look like she stepped out of a Nikki Minaj video. She grabs the dented MitB briefcase and follows Mr. Vinson to the door.

An announcer walks up and asks, “You’re looking good, Mr Vinson.”

“You’re very perceptive”

“Who is your lady friend?”

“Her name is of no consequence. What is important is this:  I see all and hear all in the BoD Universe, and kbjone you’ve been calling me out for quite some time. Last week you challenged me to a tag match when you THOUGHT I wasn’t there. What you didn’t know is along with being omniscient, I’m omnipresent…for the mouth breathers it means I can be anywhere the *BEEP* I want to be. So I showed up during your interview, listened to your blasphemy and made the decision that you are no longer allowed to have nice things. So I took your belt. Where is it now? No, it’s not in the briefcase. It’s right here. Show ’em, love.”

“Oui” she says as she sets the briefcase down and unzips her mink jacket. The announcer jumps back as he sees the only thing covering her ample breasts is one of the BoD Tag Team belts. The title has the words “Top 5” written across it. “I know you’re supposed to wear it around the waist but this looks so much better. kbjone, I’m going to consider your proposal for a match and who I will give the honor of being a co-champion with me when I kick your *BEEP* out of alignment. Now let me go…and be aware that in the 5 minutes you’ve interviewed me your life has been made THAT much better.”

And now, ladies and gentleman, the moment you have been waiting for………..

“TWO MEN……DESTINED TO MEET…….”

“Well I’ll give you credit Bayless, you aren’t ducking me and you’re gonna get right back on the do-HORSE, I MEANT HORSE, that threw you. I’ll remove the same amount of credit, however, for how you finally decided to recognize me. You see……Archie was it? Or Jughead? Or that new age gay guy with AIDS they added? Who cares….the point is, you brought Stackhouse against me. For my debut. This is a pretty clear sign that you don’t understand the threat I represent. Now don’t get me wrong, hearing Stackhouse talk about the shittiest city in comic history next to Bloom County is very entertaining, and I truly mean that in a non-sarcastic way, but the man was trained by CALIBER WINFIELD.”

“TWO MEN, SIMILAR, YET OH SO DIFFERENT…….”

“I would normally point out that Uncle Caliber is twice the man you are, masked man, but that would require you having been a man in the first place. YOU ARE NO MAN, SIR! Men hide not behind masks when confronted by their betters; they simply obey those that exist above them on the chain.”

“TWO MEN WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES……….”

“As far as I’m concerned, Shithouse here is about as threatening as a cocker spaniel. I’m going to beat him worse than Reggie in any of the athletics strips. I’m going to Lariat him so hard, he’ll decide to buy three houses and change his surname to Selfish. I will break him…..like a Kit-Kat bar. You may be something, Ricky or Token Black Guy or Dillon or whatever, but you’ve worn out your welcome to Riverdale, so instead…….its Bantown.”

“SOMETHINGS GOT TO GIVE!!!!”

“But now, masked one, now….now Archie Stackhouse needs no prompting to separate your limbs from your torso. Now, your next video should be a goodbye to whatever friends and family might still exist for you. Now, it’s not about Bayless anymore. Welcome to hell, masked one. Welcome……to Riverdale…..”

“ARCHIE STACKHOUSE! COOLTRAINER BRET! THE DEBUT OF THE MASKED MAN WHO PROMISES TO TAKE DOWN THE VANILLA WRITERS, AND THE MAN THAT DEFENDS THEM! WHO WILL WIN! FIND OUT…..NEXT!”

Archie Stackhouse vs CooltrainerBret

The crowd is hype as fuck for this one. CooltrainerBret has gotten upvotes galore since his crpytic debut segments have aired on the BoD app, and a creeper like Stackhouse has risen to meet his challenge. The bell rings and Stackhouse tears into Bret with forearms, punches, strikes, and savagery. Bret looks unfazed, and counters with a power knee to the gut. Stackhouse takes it with a grin, and resumes the offensive…..but hes not allowed to finish! Bret batters him from pillar to post with brutal Muay Thai shots, working over ribs and legs for maximum stopping power. BURNING LARIA-No! Stackhouse has that one well scouted and tries dragging him into an armbar. Bret shifts gears into a Spinning Belly to Belly Suplex, done with snap and force. Stackhouse grins a death-head’s grin as he suffers a torrent of abuse from Bret, but backs him off with a spin kick to the knee. Switchblade Kiss(Running Enzuigiri)! 1….2….NO! Kickout, and Bret seems more pissed than anything. Crane Kick! Capture Suplex! Black Tiger Bomb! 1….2….NO! Kickout. The two abandon all pretense of self-preservation and go all out for the win. Running Powerslam to Bret! 1….2….NO! Rough Ride(Slingshot Suplex to Face Crusher) on Archie! 1….2….NO! Second-Rope Switchblade Kiss to Bret! 1….2….NO! Fireman’s Carry Gutbuster to Archie! 1….2….NO! German Supl-No, Archie lands on his feet! Switchblade Kiss to Bret! Stackhouse heads up, looking for the Riverdale Welcome(Top Rope Knee Strike), but Bret dodges. BURNING LARIA-Ducked! Double clothesline! Both men are down, but quickly rise. Archie grins. Bret grins behind his mask. They both attack the ref! The hell was that for?!

Timekeeper Mister E Mahn calls for the bell, but neither man cares and start unloading on each other with strikes! Knee to the solar plexus! Archie is stunned for an instant, as Bret pulls out a…..fork? The hell? Bret goes to stab Archie, but as he does, Mike Cannon’s music hits. Cannon sarcastically congratulates both men for decreasing the BoD ratings by scaring away the all important children demographic by being creepy as hell, conveniently ignoring the Joker’s continued existence on the comic landscape. Mike Cannon then informs both Stackhouse and Bret that they are FIRED, effective imediately! THE BOD IS RIOTING! Suddenly, the crowd pops huge as the music of Parallax1978 hits! Out he comes with Cultstatus, Vinson, Jobber, and Abeyance! The Top 5 is PISSED! Mike Cannon dicked them around earlier! Cannon is forcibly escorted to the ring, and Jobber unceremoniously throws him in after potatoing his eye black! “Have Fun!” says Jobber as he heads to the Lounge with the other Top 5ers. Mike Cannon begs for mercy! He recieves none. BURNING HAMMER TO CANNON FROM ARCHIE! Cannon needs a neck brace after that on-BURNING LARIAT! MIKE CANNON HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Bret picks up the fork, and goes after Stackhouse! Stackhouse fights dirty to avoid getting shanked! The two spill over the top rope and to the outside, but the brawl continues! White Coat Security and a bunch of C-Listers come out in a desperate bid to stop the violence! Bret twists free, ascends to the top…..AND STABS A MEMBER OF WHITE COAT SECURITY WITH THE FORK WHILE TRYING TO GET TO STACKHOUSE! WHITE COATER IS AT 1.2 MUTA! Eventually, the gaggle forcibly escorts both men to the back! Commercial~!

As an unconscious Mike Cannon gets loaded into the ambulance, James make an appearance to claim hes being held back by the man, and since Cannon is white, that means hes the man holding him back. Cannon, being unconscious, can’t defend himself from these allegations. This is proof enough to James that the allegations are true, leading to him spitting on Cannon’s $10000 suit. WILL THERE EVER BE JUSTICE FOR THE MINORITIES?

Kyle Warne vs John Petuka

Warne and Petuka are ready for war as they look to settle a grudge stemming from last week when Curry and Warne lost the tag straps to the Upper Midcard Express. The tag partners of the respective men are at ringside jawjacking with each other. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. Warne goes at Petuka hard with ROH nonsense such as unrealistic suplexes and stiff strikes, but Petuka calmly picks him apart and counters a German Full Nelson Triple Stack Suplex with a kick to the knee! PSYCHOLOGY~! Petuka controls with simple mat wrestling, frustrating Warne with how boring a wrestler hes losing the match to. Warne then does a Quadruple Rotation Head Kick to counter a headlock, then uses a Spinning Capoeira Left Hook followed by a Straightjacket Tiger Suplex! Warne then cinches in a Single Leg Half Nelson Deathlock STF Arrow Hold, almost folding Petuka into a literal pretzel! Petuka is in a lot of pain, but somehow makes the ropes! Warne takes over with video game-esque strikes, trying to wear down Petuka. Eventually, Warne sets up for a Storm Warneing(Pepsi Plunge), but Petuka back body drops out of it and hits a top rope splash! 1….2….NO! Warne kicks out. The two exchange more strikes, Petuka attacking with numbers, Warne attacking with unrealistic power. Eventually, Warne hits a Double Backflip Pele Kick that connects right on the temple! Petuka might be out! 1….2….NO! Warne then decides enough is enough and he needs to win traditionally. Quick cradle! 1….2….NO! Bridging German Suplex! 1….2….NO! Stiff Chinlock…..Petuka makes the ropes! Warne ducks an errant clothesline and cinches in a Small Package! 1….2…REVERSED! 1….2…..3! Petuka steals one!

Suddenly, Vinson appears on the ramp alongside his valet, whos still wearing the tag strap belonging to kbjone! Petuka and kbjone head in to confront Vinson as the valet scurries away, and its a donnybrook! Vinson throws hands on the Upper Midcard Express, before Curry eventually gets involved! The brawl is intense…..AND VINSON EATS A LEAD PIPE TO THE FACE OUT OF NOWHERE! This isn’t good. Curry and Warne eventually chase off the Upper Midcard Express, but the damage has been done! How will our main event proceed?

And now, it is Welcome to the BoD with your host,
Abeyance
Abeyance: Hello
(Crowd): Hello
Abeyance: How are you, tonight?
(Crowd): Doing good!
Abeyance: I am too!
(Crowd):WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance: Today’s guest is my friend, thebraziliankid
(thebraziliankid is wheeled out with his arm in a sling
due to the injuries he suffered at the hands of Hoss. )
Abeyance & Crowd: WELCOME TO THE BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thebraziliankid: Thank you. I have been here before
Abeyance: So have I !!!!!!!!!
Crowd:WE KNOW THIS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance: So, why are you in a wheelchair? Are you hurt?
thebraziliankid: Yes. I was attacked in the locker room
last week by Hoss
Abeyance: I missed that because I am in the luxurious top
5 lounge. If you posted more, you could have been there too.
thebraziliankid: I guess but if you were there to help me
out, we could have fought him off together.
Abeyance: I’m sorry
thebraziliankid: It’s okay
Abeyance:what is okay? You are in a wheelchair
thebraziliankid: I don’t know
(Hoss comes out in wearing a fake badge that reads
“Safety Patrol”)
Abeyance: Why are you here? You hurt my friend?
Hoss: I AM THE SAFETY PATROL YOU DORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance: Okay, I am sorry
(Hoss goes over to thebraziliankid)
Hoss: YOU NEED TO PUT ON YOUR SAFETY BELT!!!!!!!!!
thebraziliankid: Okay (he straps himself in)

Hoss: HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!! NOW YOU WON’T FALL OUT (Hoss
wheels thebraziliankid off of the stage) HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Points to Abeyance) YOU ARE NEXT!!!! HA HA
HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joedust and Jef Vinson vs Jobber123 and Hart Killer 09

Our main event has some history to it. Joedust and Hart Killer competed for the B+ Championship in Wargames as part of a Fatal 4 Way Match, while Jobber and Vinson were on opposite sides of the Wargames main event. The match is joined in progress with Jobber working over Joedust with some generic jobber offense, while Vinson gets his bearings back in the corner. Body Slam! Knee Drop! Suplex! Back Elbow! Forearm! Schoolboy! 1….2….NO! Jobber resumes the devestating offensive, transitioning from neckbreakers to stomps! MAIN EVENT TALENT BABEE! Hartkiller is tagged in, and lectures Joedust on how not to suck as a wrestler. Inverted Atomic Drop! Russian Legsweep! Backbreaker! Second rope elbow! Bulldog! 1….2….NO! Joedust gets out of it! Hartkiller tries a figure four, but Joedust kicks him away, sending him flying into Vinson! Joedust cinches in a sleeperhold! Hartkiller pushes off the ropes, but Joedust stonewalls his counter and hits a big Backdrop Driver! 1….2….Jobber cuts off the pin! Illegal double team! THIS SHOULD BE AN INSTANT DQ! Jobber goes back into his corner, and blind tags in after Joedust knocks down a running Hartkiller with a shoulderblock. Jobber sneak attacks, cheap shots, and rabbit punches! Three-quarter nelson! 1….2….NO! Joedust showing some real courage, kicking out of everything that isn’t a finisher! WHAT HEART! Jobber goes up top looking for a missile dropkick, but Joedust dodges it! Hot tag to Vinson…..whos still woozy from the lead pipe shot. Jobber and Hartkiller cut the ring in half with trickery, deceit, and more trickery. Anaconda Clutch! Vinson is fading, but realizing that if he wins he gets a threesome, he fights out of it! Kidney Shot! Kidneyshotkidneyshotkidneyshotkidneyshot and pause……STOMACH PUNCH! HARTKILLER IS DOUBLED OVER! Vinson cinches in the One Night Stand(Bow and Arrow Hold), but kbjone is apparently not satisfied with just a pipe shot and runs in for the DQ finish! kbjone and Petuka put the boots to Vinson, but Joedust tackles kbjone and UFCs him! Petuka tries pulling him off, but here comes Warne and Curry! And the New British Bulldogs! And White Coat Security! And the Midcard Mafia! And several other miscellaneous C-List tag teams! TAG TEAM WARFARE! The brawl spills to the outside! Jobber ascends the turnbuckles…..and takes everyone out like dominoes with a flying body press! VINTAGE JOBBER! A CHAOTIC SCENE ENSUES AS WE GO OFF THE AIR! Good night, and stay classy!