Hello again everyone, it’s your old pal zanatude here. You know, some folks like to call me the Duke of Dorchester.
Are you pumped? Are you psyched? Well you should be, because LT Falk and Joe Briggs are in the ring right now, ready to hook em up for the most prestigious bowling trophy in all of wrestling! The Power Half Hour begins NOW!
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
June 8th, 2014
Joe Wheeler and Dakota Booth stand in front of the ring where the wrestlers await the start of their match, and the people behind sound about as good as 10 fans can. Joe has wisely taken my advise and ditched the Polo shirt, though he is now only a pith helmet away from heading out for an African Safari.
LT Falk makes his debut, and it’s for the television title! Maybe they are gonna strap the rocket ship onto that funny sounding ass after all! DeAndre Jackson and Misty James are in the house, and The Cripplers are in the ring as well.
Southern States Wrestling TV Bowling Championship: Joe Briggs(c) vs LT Falk
Once again they’ve decided to forgo the announcements. Well, everyone knows who LT Falk is anyway, right? We do start with the traditional SSW armbar, but I can forgive it in this case as the counters are fast and furious. About 30 seconds in LT shoots a half nelson, but the pin doesn’t even get a one count before Briggs kicks out.
Reset to a headlock by Briggs before Falk shoots him into the ropes, and both competitors run these shitty ropes with reckless abandon! Attempted hip toss by Falk is blocked; attempted clothesline by Briggs is ducked, and Falk runs Briggs into the ropes for a rollup that Briggs blocks by holding on (which brings out the dreaded “he created separation” line from Wheeler), and Falk finally wins the stalemate with an armdrag takedown. LT follows up with a decent dropkick, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope he holds on to this followup armbar a bit so I can catch my breath!
But Briggs quickly pushes into the ropes, and I think that LT is forcing him to up his game, because he actually hits a decent knee lift. Briggs tries to once again shoot him into the ropes, but LT reverses into a drop toe hold, then quickly applies La Magistral for a one count.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AWESOMENESS DOING ON SSW?? Sadly, it’s like pearls before swine, as the crowd just sits there as bored as ever, proof that these are every bit the wrestling “fans” that the people that used to file into WCW shows at the Disney-MGM Studios were.
Headlock by Falk, but Briggs shoots into the ropes (I don’t know how these guys can run them like they do) and hits a sick looking knee lift. I would think that they replaced Brooks with a decent wrestler, but there’s no way that anybody else agrees to a hairstyle that awful. Double underhook suplex by Briggs gets the first two count of the night. Joe Wheeler can’t decide if it was “maybe a one and a half count” or “barely a two” Regardless, I’m just happy that Falk knows how to properly kick out of a pin.
Hair toss by Briggs sends Falk from one corner to another, as Joe Wheeler puts over LT’s dad Tony Falk as a big deal in the Texas and Tennessee areas during his time. Briggs whips LT into the opposite ropes with such force that he himself also falls down. Stomp on the throat by Briggs, as he makes the top rope sag half way to the ground by pressing down on it.
Once again, Briggs shoots LT into the ropes, but puts his head down too soon, allowing Falk to connect with a sunset flip (that Dakota is unable to call) for his first two count. Determined to eventually get it right, Briggs shoots LT into the ropes again, once again puts his head down too soon, and gets kicked in the head by Falk as a result.
Clothesline by LT. Back elbow by LT. Spinning heel kick by LT, and he finally goes for the pin, but doesn’t hook a leg, allowing Briggs to kick out at two. Briggs tries to recover in the corner, but LT charges in with a clothesline, then nails a running bulldog out of the corner. But once again, he fails to hook the damned leg, no doubt earning himself a whupping from his daddy somewhere down the line, and only gets another two count on Briggs.
Briggs rakes the eyes, shoots LT into the ropes (tenth time’s the charm?), and once again, LT reverses, this time going for a Killswitch of all things (that not even Joe Wheeler can call correctly, saying that both guys are jockeying for backslides) before Briggs escapes and powders out into the two feet of room that he’s afforded outside of the ring. Falk is imploring Briggs to come back to the ring, breaking the count at four, but Joe Briggs is having none of it, waiting out the new count all the way to 10 to intentionally lose the match by countout which, as Dakota helpfully informs us, does not allow LT Falk to win the title.
Winner in about 5:20 by Intentional Countout, LT Falk. Joe Briggs retains his title. **
The first two minutes was really great stuff, and they were on pace for a three star match or even better, but they got a little sloppy in the middle, and of course the finish was the drizzling shits. Still, this match was the Michaels/Undertaker of Southern States Wrestling thusfar.
LT Falk is announced as the winner, but he’s not happy. Dakota heads to ringside to get his thoughts. He’s talking normal now, so I don’t know what the fuck that accent was about last week. He came here to win by pinfall or submission. Countouts aren’t his cup of tea! As he’s saying that the people deserve much better than that, Briggs blindsides Falk and beats him down on the floor until Jake Booth and DeAndre Jackson make the save. Briggs shouts to the “pretty boy” that it ain’t over as the referee forces him away from ringside. While I still hate the finish, I’m willing to accept it as a necessary evil to keep the feud going.
We get a reply of an enraged LT Falk getting beat down after the match by Joe Briggs as we head into the break,
July 5th, Summermotion Festival, Ashland Kentucky. Mick Foley and Jim Cornette will be onhand!
The next TV taping will be held June 20th in this same dump. At least they’re consistent.
Joe Wheeler stands ringside to introduce Misty James, who sadly gets a bigger pop than either of the two wrestlers in the last match ever got. Joe spends about 30 seconds pumping up Misty James, never even bothering to ask her a question. She’s had a rough year, but she’s not giving up! She’s already had three chances to regain her SSW Women’s title, but she wants another one next week, because she hears what Miss Rachael has been saying about her! She’s looking forward to showing Miss Rachael some SOUTHERN manners! But she’s also got to watch her back for Rebecca Lynn! But she’s country strong! She will survive! And that title is coming back to where it belongs!
A passionate promo. It’s too bad that her mouth writes checks that her ass can’t cash.
We cut to footage of an arena match between Misty James and some chick named “Kowgirl Kissy”. How has that name not been copyrighted by WWE? Whatever promotion this is, they get about five times the fans as SSW gets. We don’t get a finish, but we do get a lot of shitty armdrags.
Cut to another match of Misty versus Nicole Starr in Virginia. All we get to see is Starr rushing Misty in the corner, Misty getting out of the way, and nailing the Diva Schoolgirl of Doom for the pin.
Back to ringside with Joe Wheeler and DeAndre Jackson. All the things that Kyle Kool has done, all the people that he’s trained with? Does. Not. Matter. Because Kyle Kool, SSW Champion, is never around when DeAndre Jackson is around! All he needs is one chance! One opportunity, if ya wheel! His bark is worse than his bite, and he’s gonna send Kyle Kool packing. And if ya didn’t know…now you know! I thought that nobody could come up with a worse catchphrase than Eric Darkstorm. You underestimate the SSW wrestlers at your own peril.
We get footage of The Cripplers entering the ring as we head to the break, Scott Sterling’s robe makes him look like the missing Quebecker.
Once again no paid advertisements this week, unless the church is supporting SSW.
The Cripplers vs Shane Royal and Chris Norris
Sadly, they’ve made Shane Royal put on a long t-shirt, so there will be no ass crack this week.
That last match threw me completely off of my rhythm. I hope that the soothing suck of The Cripplers will get us back on track.
Frank Parker starts off with Shawn Royal. Parker backs Royal into a corner, but even Shane Royal is able to block and counter Parker’s one mile per hour punch. It’s only a momentary victory, as Parker returns the favor with the SSW Main Event Style kicks, punches, and stomps that have demoralized potential new talent for many a year. However, it’s the only kind of offense this crowd (“crowd” seems the wrong word here. What’s a better word for a gathering of several of the boss’s acquaintances?) has been exposed to, so it’s the only kind of offense that actually generates a reaction. The people outside of the ring are every bit as bush league as the people inside it.
Tag to Scott Sterling, who differentiates himself from his partner by having hair. Adapting to the situation he’s been put in, Royal counters with seven straight punches to regain the advantage. And the crowd loves it! Royal charges the corner, but a fat-ass version of a superkick puts a stop to that.
Parker tags back in, but Royal is able to put him down with a clothesline. In Southern States Wrestling, time passes with the same gravity as Jupiter, so both men sell the exhaustion of two minutes with what we in the real world might feel after an hour of the same exertion. I say this so that you may appreciate the guts and determination shown by Royal, his ass crack suffocating under his t-shirt, as he makes the diving hot tag to Chris Norris.
In 10 seconds Norris gets in more offense than he showed in all of his last match, hitting Parker with a funky snap mare and elbow drop for a near fall. Parker runs his streak of non-wrestling moves up to eighty-seven before tagging in Sterling, who continues the banal attack. Sterling makes a lateral press, but the referee doesn’t give a shit about going down for the pin for a good three seconds, and Sterling still gets a two count. So this ref gets on my permanent ass-kicking list for not ending this match when he could have.
Sterling goes for a backdrop, but puts his head down too soon, as Norris goes for a sunset flip. Sterling fights it, but Norris’s attempt at fellatio is just enough to get Sterling down for another two count.
An angry Sterling clotheslines Norris back to the mat, after which Sterling performs his trademark “pull my trunks back over my sagging gut” for the tenth time in the match. Perhaps the tenth time is the charm, as he actually hits a good, normal looking vertical suplex. Maybe I’m too hard on The Cripplers…maybe they, along with Joe Wheeler, were once competent sports entertainers who were captured by Beau James, chained in the henhouse, and forced to subsist on a diet of biscuits and gravy between shows? I’d be fat and lazy too if this was the only thing I had to live for over the past several years.
Nah. That’s still not my problem. Fuck you Frank Parker. Fuck you Scott Sterling.
Parker back in there, and he ends his streak of non-wrestling moves at 91 with a bodyslam. He does get the
crowd gaggle of hillbillies riled up, I’ll give him that. Sterling takes in to continue the methodical beatdown, until he sends Norris into the ropes for a clothesline, who ducks and hits a clothesline of his own. It’s hard NOT to duck the clothesline, as it’s literally (literally, I tell you!) the only running move off the ropes that anybody does in this match.
Perhaps Sterling hears the clicking of my typing (remember, time is dense in SSW, so some weird time-warping shit might be going on here), as he attempts a backdrop, but Norris sort of jumps over and hits several double axe handles to the small of Sterling’s back. Stupidly, Norris doesn’t take this opportunity to tag, instead attempting a whip into the ropes of his own, which of course is reversed, and a back elbow smash puts Norris back down.
Sterling returns with more boring offense. Norris tries to punch his way out. Sterling rakes the eyes to stop it. I continue praying for the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon to appear to tell these guys to go home already.
Sterling uses his boat to choke out Norris. Sorry, on further review, he was actually using his BOOT to choke out Norris. Guess I should be watching the match myself instead of relying on Dakota’s commentary to keep me informed. Main event chinlock by Sterling. Good idea; it’s been a blistering pace thusfar, so keep yourselves fresh for the big finish.
Joe Wheeler dares us to let us know what we think about Southern States Wrestling by writing to kingofkingsport.com. I didn’t know that you could write to a domain name. I guess Joe’s henhouse doesn’t have access to WiFi.
Some stuff happens, but none of it matters, as it ends with Sterling applying the chinlock once more.
Norris finally escapes and hits a flying crossbody on Sterling that somehow also knocks the referee down, but the ref recovers in time to make a two count for Norris. Norris ends up laying right in his own freaking corner, but Shawn Royal doesn’t bother leaning over to make the tag, so Sterling drags him back into their corner. Sterling makes the tag to “Mr. Destruction”, a new nickname for Frank Parker that Joe Wheeler has apparently made up on the spot. This boredom MUST continue!
Parker misses a charge into the corner, and for the dozenth time Norris has a chance to make the hot tag, but chooses to punch Parker in the gut instead. I admit, such a large target would be hard to resist. Norris attempts to whip Parker into the ropes, but Parker reverses, muscles Norris up into a fireman’s carry, and hits something that looks like a fireman’s carry gourdbuster. Sterling runs in to cut Royal off from making the save, and Parker gets the three count? No hot tag? Not hot finish? Seven minutes of boring beatdown to finish like that??
Winner in about 9:30 via FU Fans, The Cripplers. -**
Leave it to The Cripplers to bring this night back down to a DUD average.
The Cripplers continue beating on Chris Norris after the bell. Royal tries to make the saved, but gets checked out of the ring, and either legit hurts his knee or does an excellent job selling. This brings Beau James waddling down to ringside to check on Royal…but Parker interrupts his beatdown to motion Beau James to come into the ring…and, after taking off his watch, he is quick (well, relatively quick for a 400 pound bag of lard like James) to oblige.
Beau James hits the ring and HE’S CLUBBERIN’! HE BE CLUBBERIN’, DAKOTA! The master of SSW Main Event Style, Beau goes from corner to corner destroying both members of The Cripplers for thirty seconds, until Joe Briggs enters to blindside Beau from behind. Beau gingerly crumples to the mat, and the three-on-one beatdown continues until Dakota cannot take it anymore, leaving the commentary area to jump in the ring and shield his uncle, but Joe Briggs rips him off and lays into him with some girly style fake punches. If there truly were a God, he would have teleported Brock Lesnar into the ring to show everybody how it’s done. But Jake Booth, the next best thing to God, rushes the ring, and this somehow allows the James family to turn the tide. Beau James retrieves the bullwhip that The Cripplers had stolen from him, and this is enough for them to concede the battle and retreat from the ring.
We’ve about a minute of broadcast time left, so Beau motions for Joe Wheeler to come to ringside. The Cripplers like to play the numbers (game?), but the numbers are evened up! Dakota Booth might not be as big and strong as Chris Von Erich, but he’s a scrappy one! And Jake Booth saved the day! And he’s got his bullwhip, a gift from Dutch Mantell, back in his hands! And the next time that Frank Parker sees it, it will be taking the hide off of his body! And with that, Joe Wheeler signs off without a preview for next week.
Honestly, The Cripplers vs James Family feud is not bad in theory. It’s only that there are some niggling facts that get in the way…like Beau James being unable to bump, The Cripplers being boring as hell, Jake Booth being greener than the mold in the back of my refrigerator, and Dakota Booth being greener than the mold in an abandoned refrigerator somewhere within the heart of the Fukushima nuclear complex.
In all seriousness, the first two minutes of Falk/Briggs were the kind of wrestling that made me a fan in the early 80’s, and a joy to watch. It makes me think that Beau James is actually trying to create an interesting wrestling organization…which makes everything that came afterwards seem all the more pathetic.