Welcome to the longest half hour in professional wrestling. Welcome to the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour!
The crowd is stoked this week, as Dakota Booth and Joe Wheeler give us the lowdown on what’s to come. Misty James is on the program and…uh…well, lots of good stuff!
The frentic pace of this show continues, as Rebecca Lynn bursts into the shot, and announces that she wants to get her hands on Misty James right now!
They actually play music this week, as Misty James slowly makes her way out to the ring. These two have supposedly been feuding for the better part of century now, yet Misty is surprisingly lackadaisical getting into the ring, allowing Rebecca to attack while she’s still coming through the ropes.
You can tell that she’s serious because she doesn’t even try for an armbar, laying into Misty in the corner with a series of forearms and stomps. A lack of effort on both parts results in a hiptoss in theory only. As Rebecca wisely returns to stomping, Joe and Dakota are joined on commentary by Southern States Wrestling Women’s Champion Miss Rachael, who proceeds to badmouth both competitors as beneath her, and also such witty repartee as the following:
“I did admire the Pearl Harbor job there, I understand that’s a sore spot in your nation’s history.”
Get Dakota out of there, and the Joe Wheeler/Miss Rachael commentary team would be money!
Snap mare by Rebecca, the worst looking move she’s done in 20 seconds, followed up by rough looking choke. She looks like a beast when she isn’t trying to pick people up. She’s best served by sticking with SSW Main Event Style.
Clothesline by Rebecca, though it appears that Misty hurt herself more trying to bounce off of these ropes. She’ll be pissing blood tonight! A couple of kids try to get Misty James going with a “Let’s Go Misty, Let’s Go!” chant, not in the least bit coached by Beau James to do so.
More chokes and kicks in the corner, as this seems more like a backdrop to let Miss Rachael talk over than an actual match. Misty finally goes on offense, hitting some kicks and forearms in the corner, followed by a half-assed hip toss that looked much better than the eighth-assed hip toss we saw before. SSW style veritcal suplex by Misty, wherein the opponent’s head never ends up more than a foot off the canvas at any time, for a two count.
Snap mare by Misty followed by a kick to the back of the neck. She moves a bit like Daniel Bryan…in the condition that he’s in right now. Rebecca proves she’s smarter than Misty by bouncing off the ropes at literally (literally, I tell you!) 0.0012 miles an hour before being hit by a clothesline. As Miss Rachael explains why she competes in a country that she hates, Rebecca Lynn manages to choke Misty James into the corner. She decides that she likes this choke so much that she doesn’t release it as the referee counts to five, leading to the disqualification.
Winner in around 3:30 via We Don’t Know How To End This Match, Misty James. DUD
Miss Rachael says that, unlike these women, she will always be a clear and decisive winner, because she brings an insurance policy that ensures her victory. This match was made slightly more enjoyable than the rating would suggest thanks to the rantings of Miss Rachael and her interactions with Joe Wheeler. Dakota Booth can kiss my ass for calling Misty James “a countout winner”.
Without a break, Dakota Booth interviews one half of the tag team champions Jake Booth, who has a guy with him that looks like a young RVD. Dakota asks Jake how he feels about his first title defense tonight, but what he really wants to do is introduce his good friend LT Falk, son of legitimate Memphis legend Tony Falk. LT has a really weird voice, kind of a combination of Lanny Poffo and Jack Swagger with the lisp turned up to 11. LT is going to make his SSW debut next week, and he’ll do his very best to make his father proud and the great fans of the SSW proud. Voice issues aside, if they can convince LT to stick around, they could do a lot worse than to strap the rocket ship to this guy’s funny sounding ass. Even little brother Jake seems pissed off at Dakota mispronouncing his name, as he wraps up the segment and throws to commercial.
We come back to highlights of an old match from a few months ago between Kyle Kool and Bulldog Mac. I miss the old shitty facilities, and the Joe Wheeler/Beau James commentary team was much easier on the ears. Kyle Kool eventually wins by reversing a back handspring elbow into a back suplex for the pin (the actually execution was nowhere near as cool as I described it) Bulldog Mac does lots of neat flippy things, and may have gained traction were it not for the fact that nobody besides the James family and The Cripplers ever stick around for more than a month.
So I guess our SSW Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool appearance was just the tail end of an old match he was once in? Guess Kyle couldn’t iPhone his scheduled promo in on time.
Apparently we’re low on other material as well, as Joe Wheeler introduces a seven minute video package that goes over the issues between The James Family and The Cripplers over the past several months. Might be of interest to those of you just starting to follow SSW, but I’ve seen all of this three or four times already.
Finally we’re back to ringside where Joe Wheeler is set to interview Frank Parker and Scott Sterling. Joe perpetuates a long-standing pet-peeve of mine by asking Sterling to “tell us what’s on your mind” If the announcer is not there to guide and lead the interview, then he’s just dead space and time. Give the mic to the guys and let them tell us what’s on their minds themselves! Sterling is as sick of talking about Beau James as I am sick of hearing Sterling talk about Beau James. They ran off the rest of Beau’s family, now they coming for what’s left. Frank Parker once again hits his talking point about how nobody cares about Beau James, they thought they put him away before, but they’re going to make damned sure of it this time! Literally the same things they guys have said every week for the past several months.
We head to commercial over footage of Frank Parker’s baseball bat attack on the small of the back of Beau James on Christmas night that put him out of action. The same footage that was “too graphic to put on television” for several months shows up as a throwaway commercial lead in. Because SSW.
We do get a commercial for Samson’s (“on the Cornor of 5th & Broad”) this week, so I guess there’s some cash flow coming in.
SSW Tag Team Championship Match: Jake Booth & Ray Idol(c) vs The Death Riders
There’s less than nine minutes of time left, so thank God they’re not giving Jake Booth 15 minutes to fill this week. The guy with the pants is Chic White, the guy starting off in the ring with Ray Idol is Equalizer Krunch, a.k.a. the guy that passed up a chance to be SSW Champion for a meal at the Cracker Barrel. Chicken wing by Idol, that Krunch gets out of by laying on the mat. No, I don’t know how that’s supposed to work either. Ray Idol goes back to the chickenwing, which I suddenly realize is a form of armbar, which I am boycotting. I don’t rate armbars.
A minute later, Krunch has Jake Booth in a headock before tagging out to Chic. Pay attention, girls, that’s how you do a snapmare/kick to the back combo! Actually it’s not, but it was still better than their attempts. Chic goads the idiot Ray Idol into the ring, and Krunch continues the onslaught without the benefit of a tag. Par for the course for SSW officials, he does not care that the illegal man is now on the attack. #pinhimpayme
Krunch works Jake over with the dreaded Armpit Claw. I just tried it on myself, and it doesn’t seem too painful, but it might be a bit ticklish if somebody else does it to you. Dakota prattles on about how unnerving it is that The Cripplers could come out at anytime and try to end his brother’s career…as if those two walruses could sneak up on or outrun anybody. Ray Idol once again runs in allows The Death Riders to double team Jake Booth. Maybe he hates him as much as we do?
As Krunch continues to work Jake over with a headlock, I will follow Joe Wheeler’s lead and stop caring about this match in order to talk about The Cripplers potentially bringing the evil side of Beau James back out again. He’s hasn’t seen Beau use his nunchucks, bullwhip, tasers, and fireballs in a long time, but if anybody can bring that side of him out again, it’s The Cripplers!
But Joe can’t talk forever, so Dakota is forced to acknowledge that Jake might be in a little bit of trouble. Chic destracts the referee so Krunch can work over Jake in the corner with the tag rope, but Jake decides that this is the right moment to hulk up and beat on Krunch, then stalk on over fresh as a daisy to Chic, stealing the award of worst wrestling move of the night from Rebecca Lynn with a frightful looking judo throw into an armbar that gets immediately reversed by Chic. It’s so sloppy and lacking of rhythm that I wonder if we’re watching an actual fight. Botch or shoot? Only Paul Meekin knows for sure.
Eventually the referee breaks this up, then Jake blocks a punch by Krunch. I watched what happened next three times and couldn’t figure out what was happening. It looks like Jake kind of crumpled to the ground, then Krunch laid on top of Jake’s legs, then they just stayed there like that for a few seconds until Jake grabbed the ropes. If you can figure out what happened, don’t bother telling me. I’m just trying to make it through this match with my sanity intact.
After they reset, Jake Booth makes the single most anticlamactic hot tag in professional wrestling history. And this guy teamed with RICKY F’N MORTON! Anybody should learn something about tag team wrestling psychology just breathing the same air as Ricky Morton! The referee could have saved this by conveniently not seeing the tag, but #pinhimpayme.
Regardless, Ray Idol is in the ring now, and he’s an outhouse of fire! Ray wants to set up for the double whips from the corners, but Jake stupidly goes to the wrong corner, so Ray has to drag Krunch to the opposite corner himself. The Death Riders try to throw Jake and Ray into each other, but they reverse, and The Death Rides are the ones to collide head on in the center of the ring. Ray successfully rolls up his guy, but Jake can’t figure out how to do it, so he just falls on top of Chic instead, and both guys make the cover for a three count, because why the fuck not?
Winners in about 5:30 by Double Knogginknocker Double Pin and STILL SSW tag team champions, Jake Booth and Ray Idol. -**
After The Death Riders powder out, Dakota Booth and Joe Wheeler come out for the wrap up. Protip, Joe: lose the loose Polo shirt, or get a sports bra. We don’t need you to tell us that “It’s getting hot in Southern States Wrestling!” when we can visualize it with your sweaty man boobs heaving. It seems like they’re stalling for something as there is still two minutes of broadcast time remaining…and sure enough Misty James is out for a few words. She’s here to WIN! She wants her belt BACK! And sometimes, you gotta fight when you gotta fight! Can’t get much truer than a tautology, Misty. And soon, Miss Rachael…real soon…you’re gonna find out what it’s like to be in the ring with a Southern girl!
Uh oh. I think that Miss Rachael has a shitty hiptoss in her future.
Next week: the SSW debut of LT Falk! DeAndre Jackson and the Desperados continue their hunt for Kyle Kool! C’mon Dakota, spit it out, you can do it! And The Cripplers might be in action! Or they might not! But please try us again next week, because it can’t get any worse than this.
Stay Classy Mountain Empire!