YO PARALLAX! I DID IT!!!
Hello everyone, it’s your old pal zanatude here. You know, before Dave Scherer came along, some folks liked to call me the Doom of Blog of Doom.
While I’m sure that there are many things that people would like to see me write about, my only intention for this new pulpit of mine is to spread the gospel of Southern States Wrestling. At least until it is time for my epic meltdown that is the traditional rite of passage for writers here on the BoD.
Enough chit-chat. Let’s get classy!
Wow, direct insertion of videos! Posting privleges rule!
Once again, Dakota Booth stands in front of the Southern States Wrestling sign that is too big to fit in the shot, because the cameraman is already bumping into the washing machine as it is. Dakota Booth is so excited, he’s still wearing his salmon colored shirt from last week. As well he should be excited, because we’ve got two title matches this week, including the big tag team title match with The Cripplers Frank Parker and Scott Sterling defending against Ray Idol and Jake Booth. And I have no idea how that’s gonna turn out!
Did I do a good job, Uncle Beau? Will you please put down your Bag of Tricks now?
Anyway, let’s throw it down to the ring!
Southern States Wrestling Television Bowling Trophy
Joe Briggs(c) vs Ryan Stunna
Before we get into the match itself, a brief history lesson as to how the Southern States Wrestling Television Title came into being is in order.
Several months ago, there was the SSW Tennessee Title, which at the time was held by DeAndre Jackson:
It was a decent little title belt (better looking than even the SSW title belt), and DeAndre was a decent little champion. Then Southern States Wrestling signed up a hack indy wrestler named Nick Hammonds. His was such a lucrative signing that the SSW Board of Directors authorized a contract whereby Mr. Hammonds could have any match he wanted at any time.
One night, after DeAndre Jackson wrestled a tag match in which he was brutally assaulted after the bell, Hammonds came down to cash in his
Money In The Bank lucrative contract, pinning Jackson easily to become the new Tennessee champion. Nick Hammonds contract was so lucrative, that he immediately began no-selling dates, lured away by the bright lights and tremendous money of NWA Smoky Mountain.
SSW quickly held a tournament or battle royale or something or other in Rio de Janiero to detemine the new Tennessee champion…18-year-old, red-headed, mutton-chopped nephew-of-the-owner Jake Booth. Booth cut a promo saying that he was proud to be the Tennessee champion, and that he would go on to be the fightingest of all champions.
That would be the last time that the Tennessee title was ever seen or heard of again. I imagine that Uncle Beau took one look at that genetic, phonetic abomination and said, “Better cut our losses right here.”
A few months later, an eight man tournament, with all matches held on the Power Half Hour television show, was held to crown a new champion of a new title: the Southern States Wrestling Television Championship. The matches were grueling affairs, in more ways than one, but in the end, Chris Miles came out on top as the first champion, and received the trophy. That wasn’t a bonus reward for his victory, that WAS the title! SSW threw away a perfectly good title and a perfectly good title belt, for this:
On top of that, this would be the last time that we would see Chris Miles, as he would quickly be defeated for the Television title by newcomer Joe Briggs. In a match that was never televised.
Anyway, back to this match. Joe Briggs has been the TV champ for about two months now. Ryan Stunna is a guy we haven’t seen before, and likely won’t see again, so don’t get too attached to him. Both of these guys have a legitimate shot at becoming PWI 500 wrestler #500 someday, so this match shouldn’t suck too badly. Announcer Joe Wheeler is quick to note the presence of The Cripplers Frank Parker and Scott Sterling at ringside, ostensibly to lend moral support to Mr. Briggs.
Both men trade armbars with flippy counters, and I may have to leave the smark on the backburner for this match. Joe Wheeler tells us that Ryan Stunna comes with some tremendous credentials, then never mentions anything other than him being from Sacremento, California. It would be pretty impressive if he found this place without the use of a GPS. Stunna dominates with some nice, basic wrestling. Even simple wrestling can be fun to watch if well executed, and that’s what’s happening here so far.
Unfortunately, Stunna tried to get fancy, stumbling on the ropes before missing a Lionsault. Briggs takes over on offense and returns to the simple attack. Jumping knee attack gets two, as does an elbow off the ropes. I appreciate the thought in going for a cover after every move. Briggs steps it up a notch with a nice belly to back suplex, again for a two count. Joe Wheeler fills time between moves letting us know about upcoming shows, as I realize that Dakota Booth has had very little to say thusfar. Standing dropkick by Briggs, again for a two count. That is to say, Stunna kicked at two, but I don’t think that his shoulders ever left the mat, a bit of laziness that I always hate to see.
Briggs continues with the methodical offense, including a knee drop that misses by nearly a foot. Again, Stuppa fails to do more than shake his leg a little for the “kickout”, as the goodwill that the first two minutes of this match installed upon me are rapidly wearing off. Bodyslam by Briggs, and you know he means business now as he heads up to the SECOND ROPE! Yeah Joe, do it while you can before the shitty ring of doom hits us next week. Stuppa is devastated by the shockwaves from Joe Briggs’s knee slamming into the canvas a foot away from him, and Briggs gets a three count of sorts: a one count that the referee mistakenly starts when Briggs is waving his arms in front of Stuppa without touching him, and a two count before Stuppa shakes his body with the intent of kicking out once more.
Another hip toss, another climb to the second rope, another wave of the arms, and another knee drop, only this time Stunna intends to be missed by it as he rolls out of the way. This miss somehow hurts Briggs when all of the others didn’t, giving Stunna a chance to take his turn on offense. Stunna gets into SSW Style with a series of punches and kicks. From the apron, Stunna attempts a springshot bodypress off the top rope, but Briggs rolls out of the way. If I were skilled in voodoo, I would summon the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon to walk down to ringside and shout “GO HOME!” at these guys.
But maybe somehow I did, as Briggs grabs the shaken Stuppa and spins him around into a Scorpion Death Drop, called a reverse DDT by Joe Wheeler.. This is apparently his finisher, as Stuppa makes nary a twitch as the referee counts for the easy 1-2-3.
Winner in about 6:00 by Reverse DDT: Joe Briggs. 3/4*
A fun opening minute to this match, but they started out in second gear and then downshifted to first the rest of the way as if they were already blown up. Which is to be expected by most of the fat old talent on the roster, but not two guys that are ostensibly using the hundreds of YouTube views this match receives in the hopes of moving on to bigger and better things.
Dakota tells us that this is yet ANOTHER impressive victory by Joe Briggs (three by my count…yeah, that is kind of dynasty like by SSW standards) After shilling Uncle Beau’s books and DVDs, he cuts to himself interviewing a very special fan. The only item of note is Dakota busting out yet another color from the rainbow of collared shirts that he owns.
Don’t Go Away We”ll Be Right Back!
After a series of updates on upcoming shows, Dakota introduces the tag team title match. For months Jake Booth has been trying to win the tag team titles with a series of revolving partners (including Ricky Morton, who’s looking more and more like Dusty Rhodes with every passing day), but this time he’s finally found a worthy partner in Ray Idol. Will Jake get the job done this time. The suspense is killing me! Let’s go back to the ring!
Southern States Wrestling Tag Team Title Match
The Cripplers (c) vs Ray Idol and Jake Booth
We’re only ten minutes into the show now, so I’ve got a bad feeling that they’re giving this match over 15 minutes. The epic meltdown could happen right here, TONIGHT!
Frank Parker and Jake Booth start things off. Parker backs Booth into a corner and attempts to connect with a big haymaker, but Booth blocks and shoves Parker away. This all happens verrrry slowly, because Jake Booth only knows how to react very slowly to anything. Joe Wheeler must have Beau James in his earpiece, as he tries to sell us on this match being a main event that would fill any arena in the country.
THERE ARE EXACTLY EIGHT FANS THAT I CAN SEE ON MY TELEVISION, JOE! EIGHT FANS AND TWENTY CHAIRS!
Joe Wheeler has more integrity than to say something like that. I can only assume that he was speaking in code…maybe giving us the coordinates to the henhouse he’s locked inside at night?
Idol and Booth pretend to be a well-oiled machine, quickly tagging in and out whilst maintaining an armbar on Parker, who surely is wishing that he could instead be caressed within the ample butt crack of Cheex once more. Parker squeaks out and makes the tag to Scott Sterling, who rushes in and gets caught with an armdrag tagdown by Jake Booth, making brother Dakota look like a fool for saying that “this isn’t gonna be a wrestling match, this is gonna be a fight!” Joe Wheeler attempts to attribute Jake’s run to his familiarity with the Cripplers, being able to anticipate their tactics. Dakota the sage proclaims that “he might not be able to stop all of them, but he can slow them down!” Yes, Dakota, Jake Booth slows everyone down.
Three minutes into the match, the Armbars of Intense Anger continue, until Ray Idol finally decides to mix things up with a whip into the ropes and a dropkick, which gets a two count, before returning to the armbar so Jake can come back in. Double elbow by the challengers gets two. Jake forgets which arm they were working on, and has to fumble around for the other, but fortunately Sterling is happy to let Master Booth take his own sweet time. Dakota tells us that the challengers “want to be engaging their opponents more than their opponents are engaging them.” Thanks for taking away valuable Joe Wheeler time for that astute thought!
Scott Sterling has to literally throw himself over in a flip to get back down onto the mat for the FIFTH MINUTE OF ARMBARS! Is it 1973? Am I in a coma? Is there life on Mars? Joe Wheeler does his best to sell all of this, but the wrestlers prove that the opposite of what CM Punk said in his documentary is not true: you cannot turn chicken shit into chicken salad.
Dropkick by Ray Idol onto a seated Scott Sterling shows a lot of light, but gets a two count regardless. And BACK TO THE GODDAMN ARMBAR! OK, that’s it, no more commentary until the armbars are ceased!
No, a chickenwing is still an armbar, damn it!
OK! Jake Booth misses a charge in the corner, and the Cripplers finally go on offense. Parker tags in and kicks Jake RIGHT IN THE EAR!, which Joe Wheeler describes with a gusto that makes me beleive he’s describing the location of the padlock key that will lead him to sweet, sweet freedom. Parker with a reverse chinlock resthold. Hey, it’s not an armbar, I’ll take it for awhile! Dakota tries to babble about something, but mercifully gets cut off by the commercial break.
No Hardcore Jesus and no Hassie’s Kitchen Table this week. Even the commercials are letting me down.
Back from the break, Frank Parker is applying an abdominal stretch on Jake Booth. The Cripplers show basic knowledge of Heeling 101 by Sterling grabbing Parker’s arm, increasing the pressure. But the gutsy kid won’t give it up! So Sterling tags in an methodically punches and kicks away on Jake, while brother Dakota sounds like he’s choking on some water.
Sterling works Jake over on the mat, then picks him up and whips him into the ropes. I don’t know what was supposed to happen next, as it looks like Sterling wanted to double Jake over with a punch, but Jake ducked down and kind of took a shot to the gut to the head. A pissed off Sterling hits a stiff looking swinging neckbreaker in retaliation. Parker tags back in as the methodical beatdown continues. Parker goads Ray Idol into the ring, allowing the Cripplers to double team on jake Booth, advancing to Heeling 102.
Joe Wheeler tries to sell the moment by saying that it must be hard for Dakota to watch the beatings that his brother takes in matches like these, to which Dakota responds with robot-like emotion.
Jake Booth makes his comeback when Scott Sterling hurts himself giving Jake a headbutt, making Jake the first known redheaded Samoan in captivity. Jake hits an ugly sunset flip for two before the Cripplers regain control. Ray Idol again makes a nuisance of himself, and Scott Sterling changes places without the benefit of a tag. The referee doesn’t even notice that the bald guy has been replaced by a guy with a full head of hair. Or, more likely, just doesn’t care. Pin him pay me, the mantra of SSW officials!
Sterling holds onto a rear chinlock for about a minute. Jake Booth doesn’t know enough to wait for his arm to drop a third time before making the comeback, immediately ripping his arm away from the ref the first time. Jake ducks a clothesline attempt and fumbles around to get a backslide for two. The Cripplers regain control, and Sterling tags into Parker, who nails Jake Booth with a double axehandle from the SECOND ROPE OF DOOM!
Jake Booth continues playing Ricky Morton (which is a new experience for him, as his previous partner was Ricky Morton) He escapes from an attempted kneedrop, and could easily tag his partner, but instead assumes a football stance and knocks over Parker with a tackle…but Parker is able to grapevine the leg and tag his partner, and they continue the assault on the idiot Jake Booth.
Sterling goes back to the reverse chinlock that served him well earlier. We’re running out of time, so surely things are gonna have to pick up a notch soon, right? Right Beau? Please? If he’s that blown up, just tag in the guy that’s been standing on the apron for 10 minutes!
Jake fights his way to his feet and frees himself from the hold with a “jaw jacker” as Joe Wheeler describes it. I didn’t know that that move had a name, so I’ll go with that. And after pounding the mat like Randy Orton (second week in a row for a Randy Orton reference in the Southern States Wrestling review. Apex Predator = Patron Saint of SSW?), Jake makes the tag to his partner!
After pounding on both men, Parker falls outside the ring near the row of empty chairs, and Ray Idol goes out after him, while Jake Booth and Scott Sterling fight on in the ring. While the legal men continue to fight on the floor, Jake Booth hits Sterling with another football tackle. Sterling is out in the middle of the ring, but Jake Booth leans on the ropes in exhaustion.
Joe Briggs comes out in an attempt to run interference, but Beau James cuts him off at the past, ramming Briggs’s head into the ring post! Jake recovers to hit a big splash in the ring, and the ref, who we’ve already established doesn’t give a shit, attempts to count the illegal pin, but Sterling kicks out at two. Dakota is no longer sure who the legal men are, while Joe Wheeler says “I’m pretty sure it’s Jake and Scott!”, which I’m pretty sure is code for “Beau James does bad things to me with a stick of butter.”
Jake hooks Sterling in a headlock, then throws him into the ropes. After Sterling inexplicably does a 360 spin, he knocks heads with Jake. Sterling falls to the mat while Jake falls into the ropes. Uncle Beau sees this and gives Jake a big old push in the ass, causing him to fall on top of Scott Sterling, and the referee counts one…two…THREE! New tag team champions! More importantly, THE MATCH IS OVER!!!
Winners (about 14 minutes aired) by Divine Intervention and NEW Southern States Tag Team Champions: Jake Booth and Ray Idol. -***
At the best of times, this was boring. At the worst of times, it was a horrible clusterfuck where all logic went out the window, Jake botched the finish, and fresh off back surgery fatass Beau James is an untouchable Superman.
Backstage Dakota interviews the new tag team champions. Ray Idol says that this is a sweet victory, because for two years the Cripplers have tried to take out the careers of Beau James and his family as well as Ray Idol, but tonight they took away what mattered most to them. Jake tells us that they beat him all over the ring, but that those belts are “family”, and he tells his scrawny brother that has never been in a wrestling match that every member of his family held those titles at one time. The belts are icing on the cake, but it’s not over! I guess they have to put that cherry on top. Beau James finishes off, telling The Cripplers that their house is falling, he’s coming back to the ring, and he’s coming for blood!
We wrap up with gloating Dakota at the UTHER STATES RESTLI center, who says that things are only going to keep heating up between his family and The Crippler and Joe Briggs. He’s also excited to announce the NEW Power Half Hour, starting next week from a NEW in-house wrestling facility! Just remember, newer means better, not a shitty sweatbox that’s too cramped for even the even more broken down ring to fit in!
This show was fun for the first two minutes, and a brutal chore for the last 28. But I have faith that Beau James will fix those problems that saw some good wrestling accidentally creep in, and give us some horrific nightmare shows for the ages in the weeks and months to come!