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The PG Era Rant: Main Event, 06.24.14

Welcome, everyone, to the Matt Perri
Smile-Time Sports Entertainment Variety Hour known as WWE Main Event
on the WWE Network!
So, you may have noticed I’m not Matt
Perri. Well, remember a few weeks ago when I got really sick and he
took over Raw? He’s asked me to return the favor. We’re gonna kick
the Tuesday Night off right. So let’s get rolling!
Our main event tonight is a six-man tag
to hype the Contract Money in the Bank match. It’s Bad News Barrett,
Jack Swagger, and Seth Rollins against Rob Van Dam, Kofi Kingston,
and Dolph Ziggler… and you know somewhere, Dean Ambrose is lurking
to cause a DQ. Oh, sorry, spoiler? Can I spoil a live show? Is
that doable?
We are in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! As
I work for a Canadian, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that
if you wanted to give the US an enema, you’d stick the hose right
there!

Later tonight, Roman Reigns talks! But
first, Dolph Ziggler is climbing a ladder with a microphone. Dolph
says that climbing the ladder and getting the prize is symbolic of
making it. Basically, it means you got to the top and your life
changes in an instant. And he’d know. Back in 2012, he did just
that. He climbed a ladder, grabbed a contract… and it was the
greatest moment in his career. Dolph pauses, a little emotional, as
the crowd begins waving for being on TV.
He resumes: claiming that prize put him
on a path that led to the night after WrestleMania 29; he cashed in,
he pinned Alberto Del Rio, and he was World Champion. And it’s
because of the fans. (The fans begin a “Let’s Go Ziggler”
chant.) Because of the fans, it was the best moment of his life.
But somehow, someway, lightning will strike twice. Somehow, this
Sunday… somehow… one more time he’ll climb, and he’ll get the
contract again. This Sunday, he doesn’t steal the show; he takes
what’s his. Very emotional delivery from Dolph.
But who’s next out? Oddly, they choose
Rob Van Dam… because it’s match time!
Dolph Ziggler, Rob Van Dam, and Kofi
Kingston v. Jack Swagger, Wade Barrett, and Seth Rollins.

This match gets a hashtag. Swagger and Kofi start, and it’s
waistlocks until Swagger pounds away. Blind charge by Swagger
misses, and Kofi with a monkey flip and running soccer kick. Dolph
in, and he gets a high-altitude elbowdrop for one, then a dropkick
for one. Swagger rushes Dolph into the corner, and here’s Barrett to
take over with a suplex for two. Barrett with an arm and neck lock,
but Ziggler flips out of it and RVD is in to run Barrett over. Spin
kick to Barrett, then Rolling Thunder for two. Barrett misses a
right hand, so RVD with a superkick (and one for Rollins), and he
goes up, but Swagger stops him and Barrett drops RVD on his throat as
we go to break.
Six-man match, Part 2.
Wow, that was quick. Rollins is working over RVD with a triple
suplex as the crowd tells him he sold out. It gets two. The
suplexes, not the chant. Rollins bends RVD’s arm back to stop a tag,
and Swagger’s in to pound on RVD and get a belly-to-belly slam.
Vaderbomb gets two. Butterfly hold follows to control RVD, but RVD
gets a kick and leaps to… nowhere, as Swagger cuts him off.
Barrett works over RVD in the corner, then pulls him out with a
swinging neckbreaker for two. Barrett stomps away on RVD (whom the
crowd gets behind) and adds a leg choke. Knee shots in the ropes,
then a big boot that floors RVD to the apron, getting two. Swagger
back in, and he works a front chancery. RVD slowly works his way to
his corner, but Swagger stops it and goes to a neutral corner, only
to get two boots to the face. Rollins and Kofi in, and Kofi’s on
fire with flying moves and chops. Big dropkick, jumping lariat, and
Boom Drop follow. He signals Trouble in Paradise, but Rollins hears
it and bails. Blind charge by Kofi misses, and after some fighting
and avoidance, Kofi gets the SOS only for the heels to save. It’s
BONZO GONZO now as Swagger and Barrett are tossed, but Rollins throws
out RVD. Rana by Kofi on Rollins gets two. Then a rollup gets two.
Curbstomp from nowhere ends it at 7:50. **3/4
Wow. I’d have put money on a Dean Ambrose appearance. Instead,
Swagger invades and beats up Dolph and Kofi, then puts the Patriot
Lock on Ziggler. Meanwhile, Barrett rams a ladder into RVD as Dolph
breaks and gets something off-camera. Barrett floors Ziggler and
Swagger with the ladder, then delivers a Bull Hammer to Swagger to
knock him out. Barrett’s music is played as the segment ends.
Your
hosts are Byron Saxton and Todd Phillips, who send us on a flashback
of Fandango’s women trouble, with Summer Rae trying to get back in
his good graces or something. Back to live, as Fandango tries to
approach Layla and explain. He even offers a rose to apologize.
He’d never do anything to betray Layla (she’s not buying it), and
Layla’s the only one in his heart. She will always be his only dance
partner. Fandango tries for a make-up kiss, and Layla – despite
seeming mad – melts in his arms.
Coming
up, a look back at Raw and Vickie Guerrero’s exit!
At
the Money in the Bank pre-show, Daniel Bryan will have things to say!
We
now recap the Stephanie/Vickie situation. You saw it last night, and
if you didn’t, read my recap of it on this very site.
I
will note, watching the recap, two things: first, Layla took one HELL
of a dive into a very shallow pool; and second, both Vickie and
Stephanie had to leave 50 IQ points in the locker room for it to
work. Others have noted Stephanie’s slow realization of just how
screwed she was as a thing of beauty, and I agree.
Layla’s
much happier and clutching the rose as they dance to the ring.
Fandango
v. “The Inspirational” Bo Dallas.

Is that his official name? This is a rematch from SmackDown, where
the love triangle blew up in Fandango’s face. And before we can go
anywhere, Summer Rae runs in and PLANTS a kiss on Fandango, and Layla
attacks from behind and where’s Joey Styles when you need him? They
shove Fandango away as he tries to pull them apart. The two catfight
out of the ring as Fandango (and, for that matter, Dallas) look on in
disbelief. Fandango rolls out to try to figure this out, but the
officials can’t separate them. Fandango looks on from the outside in
disbelief, then runs back into the Bo-Dog to get pinned at 1:37. Bo
acts like he just won the title. Are they turning him face and no
one told me, and will it really work?
After
the match, Bo Dallas says, “Women. They are mysterious creatures.
But I know they’ll figure it out. All they have to do… is
BOLIEVE!” I love this guy.
Later
tonight, we’ll hear from Roman Reigns!
Total
Divas is coming to WWE Network!
R-Truth
and Xavier Woods v. The Former Paul Heyman Guys.

Ryback and Truth starts. Ryback pushes Truth in the corner, but
misses a right and Truth twerks to get under his skin. Truth with a
headlock now, and Woods comes in off a blind tag with a flying
clothesline. Kicks from Woods, then chops, and a back kick staggers
Ryback. Woods charges to the apron and tries to dive back in, but
Ryback spins it into an Oklahoma Slam. It gets two. Snap suplex by
Ryback, and Axel’s in to stomp away. Woods tries to fight back, but
Axel snapmares him and gets the neck snap. Running kneesmash gets
two. Axel with a knee to the back, and he works the chinlock. Woods
fights up, but Axel yanks him down by the hair and Ryback’s in.
Woods into the corner, and Ryback chops away. Hammer Throw to Woods
and he taunts Truth before covering… but Truth had the ref tied up,
so no count. Ryback works the chinlock in response. Hairpull slam
follows, getting a two-count. Back to the chinlock, but Woods’
attempted fightback is cut off when Ryback catches a kick. But Woods
pushes off and tries for a tag, getting it to Truth in spite of
Axel’s best efforts. Truth with right hands and a suplex Stunner for
two. Truth with a Stinger Splash and DDT for two, Ryback saves.
Woods charges but gets sent flying by Ryback, so Truth disposes of
Ryback. He misses a Stinger Splash, though, and Axel with the Hennig
Cutter for the pin at 5:50. Experts, help me out: aren’t Curtis Axel
and Adam Rose using the same finisher? Match was okay but had no
heat. *1/4
Ryback
asks the crowd to shut up. He calls out the Dusts and says last week
they were caught off guard. It was the biggest fluke in the history
of flukes. Crowd WHATs him. Ryback then challenges them to a
rematch on Sunday, and if they’re men, they’ll accept. Axel calls
them cowards, and says when Axel’s done, they’ll just be Dust. In
the wind. Ryback said something else, but I don’t think it’s right
on a PG report.
Up
next, Roman Reigns TALKS!
Well,
there’s another match for the Money in the Bank show, although it
looks like Bo Dallas is out, then.
As
a reminder, SmackDown’s main event is Sheamus facing Bray Wyatt.
Main
event interview: Roman Reigns.

We first look back at the wild finish to Raw last night, focusing on
the big finish, Kane’s return, his addition to the match, and Reigns’
sudden spear. Renee Young opens by calling it the “biggest ladder
match ever” as someone will grab history. Reigns cuts her off and
says he has other things to say: he’s a wanted man with a bull’s-eye
on his chest. He smells a trap. So he asks Renee to take her shoes
off so she can run if something goes down. (She does.) As for the
match, Roman doesn’t care who’s in it. Not even Cena fazes him.
See, during the Shield days, they ran the world. And he’s the big
dog of the Shield, so he still runs the yard, and when he wins the
title, he will be at the head of the table. Believe it. But Renee
notes that Roman forgot to mention Orton. Roman calls Orton a
pampered, spoiled brat, saying that for years everyone watched his
back – including the Shield. But Roman’s not there to wipe Orton,
but to kick him (if you know what I mean). As for Kane, the newest
entry? They say Kane’s a demon, diabolical, with everyone scared of
him… but Reigns isn’t everybody. He assesses, he attacks. He’s
done the assessment. It’s time to attack. Assess & Attack
sounds like it’s his new mantra….
…and
HHH is on the big screen. It takes him 10 seconds to dismiss the
sound bite. So Roman wants people to believe in him. But HHH knows
a man who believes in nothing, and Roman Reigns will know him real
well. SmackDown will now feature Roman Reigns one on one with Kane.
Oh, and Roman? Kane believes in nothing, and maybe he should get to
know Kane NOW.
And
here he comes! (Young has disappeared and taken her shoes with her.)
Kane stalks his way to the ring as Reigns doesn’t even flinch. The
two have a staredown… for two seconds before the slugfest is on!
Reigns gets the better of it, but Kane gets the goozle. Reigns
escapes and clotheslines Kane out of the ring… but the monster
still stands. He simply sets the buckles on fire around Reigns, who
doesn’t even blink. Roman shakes his head like “You really
shouldn’t have done that, bro.” The production truck agrees,
because they play Reigns’ music. Look at the belts! Look at the
copyright notice! Look at how we’re out of time!
FINAL
THOUGHTS:
Eh,
it’s a glorified B show. I got nothing to say.
STATS:
MATCH
TIME: 15:17 over three matches
BEST
MATCH: The six-man
WORST
MATCH: Fandango/Dallas
NIGHT
MVP: Bad News Barrett
FINAL
SCORE: This basically defines “Meh, 4/10”, doesn’t it?
Okay,
Tommy and Scott will be next on Thursday, and I’ll have more work to
do. In the meantime… where are my World Cup replays?