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Southern States Wrestling #2

Hello everyone, it’s your old pal Zanatude.  You know, some folks like to call me the Doom of Blog of Doom. Haters aside, seems like people want me to keep doing this.  I’m game if you are. Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour May 11th, 2014 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky-xw4mJTA8 This week’s show opens with the Jerry Lawler intro.  Say what you will about Lawler, but in about four seconds he makes Southern States Wrestling seem more important than anything on the last week’s show did.  Whatever Beau James paid Lawler for his appearances, it was probably worth it. They’ve moved the camera back slightly, so now Dakota talks in front of the OUTHER STATES RESTIN sign.  Dakota is so excited about the crowning of a NEW Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight champion that he forgets to flub his lines.  We’re also going to see Misty James in a big grudge match.  So let’s jump right into the action! Misty James vs Rebecca Lynn
The Southern States Wrestling Power Half hour is all action.  No music, no intros, just clang the bell and get it on!  Even with perhaps only 30 seats in the background, there are still gaping holes in the crowd.  This would be remedied in future weeks, when they found an even tinier place to hold the matches. Rebecca Lynn brings out the heavy artillery early, cornering Misty James and smashing her with a series of hard forearms and chokes.  James charges out of the corner and smashes into Rebecca Lynn.  Not sure if it was a failed spear or a failed forearm smash, but it was enough to knock Lynn on her butt just the same.  She does know enough about wrestling to hook a leg when making a cover, but a botched charge isn’t enough to hold Lynn down. Lynn comes back with some forearm smashes and a choke with the ring ropes.  Execution aside, this looks more like a grudge match than anything I’ve seen from WWE Divas in many years.  I’m honestly not sure that I could take either of these women in a legit fight.  Lynn rams Misty’s head in the turnbuckle a few times, then nails her with a really hard knife edge chop.  That’s the first time in ten years that I’ve seen a knife edge chop that didn’t illicit a “WHOO!!!” chant from the crowd.  Either they don’t know what to do, or they are legitimately concerned about Misty James.  Either one wouldn’t surprise me with this crowd. Lynn hits a second chop and goes for a third, but Misty blocks and counters with a big forehand chop of her own.  Shades of Ric Flair vs Ron Garvin!  Misty regains control, whipping Lynn into the far turnbuckle, then charges at her at the speed of molasses to deliver a “running” clothesline.  Misty covers for two before Lynn grabs the ropes.  Dakota is at least trying to keep up with Joe Wheeler on commentary this week, which makes it much easier to watch this while keeping the sound on. Both competitors look like they’re running through quicksand, as they slooooowly run off the opposite ropes and collide with a double clothesline.  We’re about four minutes into this match, and both women are selling this like the 40 minute mark of HHH/HBK Hell in a Cell.  Joe Wheeler implores us to join them on May 10th in Rogersville, Tennessee at the National Guard Armory for the next SSW show, even though this broadcast is airing on the 11th. Both women rise at the count of 8.  Rebecca Lynn sends Misty James into the corner with a series of forearm smashes, but refuses to break at five.  The referee gets a little too far into Lynn’s face, so she forearm smashes the referee as well.  Misty James goes over to the referee, and for no apparently reason she picks him and gives him something that was probably supposed to be a body slam.  The referee calls for the bell, and both women forget whatever problems they had with each other and team up to hit him with a clothesline.  Dakota laughs at all of this, because SSW. Some random highlights air over the next thirty seconds to the background noise of whatever was happening at ringside in the meantime. Match apparently ends in Double DQ in around 5:00. 1/2*
I was tempted to be generous and give the match a full star for effort, but the finish and Dakota laughing everything off convinced me not to. Cut back to Dakota, who is either getting better or they have enough time this week to keep redoing the takes until he gets it right, because he does an adequate job hyping that anything could happen when those “girls” are both in the building together at the upcoming TV tapings on May 16th. Before the break we get a promo with Kyle Kool, who’s standing in front of an awesome lime green wall.  Perfectly Acceptable Quick Arrogant Heel Promo, telling Ray Idol that he’s taking the Southern States Heavyweight Championship home with him tonight.
Coming Soon: Hardcore Legend Mick Foley!  I think the guy he’s beating the piss out of in that footage is Al Snow? After the usual local commercials Dakota is back with yet another hard sell of the TV taping this Friday.  Limited seating available, but tickets are just $7, making it a mathematical certainty that these guys cannot possibly turn a profit.  Dakota also asks fans to bring a canned good for donation to the food pantry at the community center, but I have a hard time believing that that food ends up anywhere other than the ample gut of Beau James.  Dakota finishes with an introduction of a package on DeAndre Jackson, but the camera lingers a second too long, and we get a look at his expression of frustration at flubbing yet another line. Two minute profile on DeAndre Jackson, narrated by Beau James.  He’s been wrestling for five years, and has dreams of wrestling for one of the big time promotions.  I suppose stranger, more unlikely things have happened, but none of them are coming to me at this time. We jump cold into the middle of a match between DeAndre Jackson and Kyle Kool.  It looks like a different arena than the last match, so perhaps this is footage from a recent house show.
We almost lose Joe Wheeler to sobbing sentimentality whilst comparing Jackson to the late, great, Junkyard Dog, but Wheeler pulls it together like the pro that he is.  There are under two minutes left in the match, and both men are trying lots of pinfalls that are both in quick succession and really slow at the same time.  They do a very poor job of stalling the last 30 seconds away for the draw, but at least RVD would appreciate Jackson’s selling of pain as result of his own splash. Ray Idol rebuttal promo.  It’s been two years since he was last SSW champ, and tonight he regains what’s rightfully his!  Grading on promos alone, I give the edge to Kool. Some highlights of Ray Idol air without introduction, mostly from a time when they were pulling in at least few hundred fans.  That spinning torture-rack slam was kind of neat. Nothing says SSW like Hardcore Jesus and ads for Hassie’s Kitchen Table.  She could give Scott a few tips on redesigning his website as well: http://www.hassieskitchentable.com/ Dakota is back to review how both Kyle Kool and Ray Idol advanced to the Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight title tournament finals.  It’s the battle of money versus Deus Ex Machina, and it’s going down NOW! Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Title Tournament Final: Kyle Kool vs Ray Idol
This time Kyle Kool wastes no time in offering a bribe to his opponent.  Ray Idol takes the money and tucks it into his wrestling suit. Winner by forfeit, and new Southern Sta
NO, it was a swerve!  Ray Idol takes the money, but beats up Kyle Kool anyway!  I was going to question why Equalizer Krunch didn’t do the same last week, but then I realized that Equalizer Krunch is really stupid.  Character continuity, people!  Only in SSW! At least one fan is really enthused as Idol takes it to Kool.  Big powerslam, which looked much more like Junkyard Dog than anything that DeAndre Jackson ever did, is good for a two count.  Dakota attempts to provide some incisive color commentary, but forgets what he wants to say midway through.  Joe Wheeler, like the jaded prick that he’s become as the major organizations continue to ignore his talent, is content to let Dakota flounder around until he awkwardly finds a way to finish off his “thought”. Wheeler sells Ray Idol’s headlock better than Kyle Kool ever could, as Idol continues to manhandle his opponent.  It’s been a grueling 90 seconds thus far, so Idol takes him down with a rest hold.  I’m not sure that Kool has landed one offensive move throughout this entire tournament.  Kool finally gets the opening he’s looking for by getting out of the way of an attempted Idol avalanche into the corner.  Kool hits a decent vertical suplex, and this contest is in danger of becoming a wrestling match.  But that move hasn’t led to a pinfall since 1981, and it doesn’t do so here either.  Nice heel move by Kool, as he drapes his shin across Idol’s neck while he’s jawboning with the ref about the count. Fortunately, the suplex was an anomaly, and we go back to the punches, kicks, and eye gouges that are the heart and soul of SSW.  The illegitimate brother of Dr. Evil (or perhaps the son of Mini Me, afflicted with acromegaly) hangs Ray Idol on the middle ropes and drops a running leg down on top of him, wearing Idol down for yet another two count. They clearly call their spot in the corner, as Kyle Kool attempts to whip Ray Idol into the far corner, but Idol reverses.  I was sure that this would be a spot that would be used to knock the ref out, but the referee actually gets out of the way at the last second.  Blown spot or brilliant realism?  Only Beau James knows for sure. Idol has Kool down in the middle of the ring, but he’s looking for something special to put him away.  Digging down deep, Idol heads up to THE SECOND ROPE and nails Kool with a thunderous elbow drop!  The crowd is so excited that they cannot find the words to express themselves, so they just sit there in silence as Idol makes what should be an academic cover…but Kyle Kool kicks out!  The heart and determination of these two men knows no bounds, as they battle on for the most prestigious wrestling title in the tri-county area! Despite having been hit by the devastating second rope elbow, Kyle Kool is up first, and proceeds to put Idol down with another rest hold.  Take notes, Randy Orton, that’s how you milk a reverse chinlock!  It’s the first time that I’ve seen someone almost pass out from the hold, but Idol just prevents his arm from falling a third time, and begins to mount his comeback. Another corner whip, this time a double reversal, and this time the referee does take a bump to powder out of the match.  He could have done that four minutes earlier and saved us all a lot of time!  Kyle Kool attempts to whip Idol into the ropes, but Idol reverses into a Spine On The Pine.  Idol gets the visual three count, but there is no ref to count it, so Idol goes over to revive him.  Meanwhile, Kool recovers and catches Idol with a small package that just barely…eventually…gets Idol over, but Idol again kicks out at two.  Idol hits Kool with a savate kick to the gut, but the falling Kool causes the second ref bump of the match, so once again the referee is unable to make the sure three count. Frank Parker runs out to interfere, but he is cut off by Jake Booth, and the two do battle on the floor as the match rages on.  We cut to a replay of the last 15 seconds of action because SSW.  When we return, Scott Sterling is in the ring and nails Ray Idol between the eyes with the tag team title belt.  There is a glitch in The Matrix that brings about Deja Vu, and we see the same spot a second time, as the wide shot gives a glimpse of all of the empty chairs in the front row (the only row) on the left side of the ring.  Everyone peters out, and the ref wakes up just in time to see Kyle Kool crawl on top of Ray Idol for the one, two, THREE! Winner by belt shot and Beau James indifference in about 8:00, and NEW Southern States Heavyweight Champion: Kyle Kool! *
Yes, I went the full monty and gave this match one whole star.  They tried hard, and Wheeler made Dakota his bitch on commentary on numerous occasions.  And the ref sold his beating better than any of the wrestlers did. Joe Wheeler hosts a heel celebration in front of the lime green wall of awesomeness, as Kyle Kool is joined by Joe Briggs and Frank Parker.  Just like Caesar baby, he came, he saw, and he conquered!  The Kyle Kool Era is here, and we’re looking at the future of Southern States Wrestling. Back to Dakota to wrap things up.  Ray Idol lost tonight, but next week he and Jake Booth get a chance at the tag team titles against Frank Parker and Scott Sterling. …wait, what?  Didn’t I write this about the last week?

“Back to Dakota at the OUTHE STATE RESTLI event center, who hypes the TV taping once more before cutting to a Joe Wheeler interview with Scott Sterling. Sterling is angry that Ray Idol and Jake Booth (another untalented nephew of Beau James, only this one wrestles) beat him and Frank Parker for the Southern States tag team titles.
You know what?  Let’s just forget all about that.  They only hit until you cry.  After that you don’t ask why.  You just don’t argue anymore.  You just don’t argue anymore.  You just don’t argue anymore.
Also, Joe Briggs defends his Southern States Wrestling Television Bowling Trophy.  And don’t forget to go to the television taping this Friday.  Stay classy Mountain Empire! Gaffes aside, fun show this week. Give it a chance, and Southern States Wrestling grows on you like a fungus.