Welcome Blog of Doomers! Welcome to Tuesday! Welcome to the Main Event Recap!
Just chill and read…bask in the glow of a United States opening victory in the World Cup tourney…try to pretend that what you saw on RAW was an improvement…
- Josh Matthews, twice, describing Sheamus vs. Bray as “a match happening for the first time ever” even though they faced each other on Main Event a month ago.
- Vickie’s really moved up in the world: she’s a personal assistant with booking powers which may end up getting her fired. Very impressive career move, considering she was fired the week before.
- Vomit is totally awesome. Like midget matches.
- When it comes to Bo Dallas, Roman Reigns is the “1” in “7 and 1”.
- Cena is NOT going to have a chance to compete for a spot in Money in the Bank. He’s gonna help out instead. You see, Cena IS going to have a chance to compete for a spot in Money in the Bank. He’s the competitor you’re looking for. He can go about his business. Move along.
- Power is evil. Power corrupts. Power will be everyone’s downfall. If Bray wins, he will…uh…have power which he will use…and, I guess, corrupt himself with…even though he’s already corrupted. And evil. And it’ll be…uh…his downfall…? So…
- “STARDUST”! A gimmick so epic, fans actually started to cheer for Curtis Axel.
- I really thought Adam Rose was the perfect companion for Goldust. Turns out the WWE doesn’t think as I do. But it’s cool. It was a great idea to book Fandango, the new Santino Marella, in an ongoing feud, against Adam Rose, the new Fandango.
Am I just judging this too harshly?
Go ahead and weigh in. I’m curious.
Otherwise…LET’S DO THIS THING!
We are LIVE(!) from The Nationwide Arena in Columbus, Ohio!
Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are your guys in the booth.
Rollins is out in the ring. Crowd boos him. Rollins says the crowd is giving him a hard time but they don’t even know what he came out here to say. He’s here to congratulate Roman for getting into the MITB match…but Reigns wasn’t supposed to be in the match. He crossed the Authority to get in. That isn’t good. Reigns is a volcano. Rollins says he’s the only one who can control Reigns — and Dean Ambrose.
He says Ambrose is out of control. Without Rollins, he’s nuts. The Shield’s success is because of him, he says. He says The Shield was “the greatest faction ever”, which I’m sure pleases Triple H. But, they were the “greatest” because of him. Rollins shows us clips of him, heel-turning on his friends. Rollins says that the MITB is already set. But he’s got a surprise — there will be ANOTHER ladder match. This will be one for a shot at the champ. Seth is the first entrant. Everyone knows his entrance in the match is what’s best for business.
Out comes Ambrose to brand-new music, looking like Brando in On the Waterfront with tank t-shirt and jeans. He tells Rollins not to worry about surviving the ladder match. All he has to do is survive the next ten minutes. With that, he jumps in the ring and attacks Rollins.
BOOM. It’s the COO’s Favorite Deus Ex Machina, THEDEMONKANE. Ambrose kicks Rollins, kicks Kane, then tosses Rollins at Kane and celebrates. The two try to jump in the ring to ambush but Ambrose, displaying smarts not usually seen in a Face, bails from the ring as Kane and Rollins look on.
Clips of Legends House: The Reunion Show where the old guys finish yelling at each other and then reunite to yell at each other. SUBSCRIBE!
When we come back, Lana’s in the ring with Rusev. She wants to show us the “new” Mt. Rushmore which looks like a JibJab card that doesn’t sing. Russia will dominate, blah, blah, blah. Rusev gets on the mic. He’s a super athlete. You know, they’ve made about 150 budget cuts. They couldn’t cut Rusev and Lana?
Santino’s out here to fight for the USA by being from Italy.
MATCH #1: Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. Santino.
Sweet Russian Music. Accolade. Done at 25 seconds.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: F. Sooooomedaaaay, his feud will come…
Saxton and Phillips discuss the upcoming MITB match.
Harper sees things that aren’t there and hears things that aren’t said. The only way to make it stop is to make his opponents feel like he feels. Usos, you have what they want. Tick…tock…tick…tock…
Bray calls Sheamus and the Usos “pawns”. Like pawns, they will fall.
Follow the buzzards. Sheep mask.
MATCH #2: Naomi (w/ Cameron) vs. WWE Divas Champion Paige (non-title)
Naomi’s out to use her ass as a weapon so it doesn’t get rusty. An exchange of roll-ups and pins by both girls. Paige kicks Naomi and puts her in a headlock, then shoulderblocks her off a whip. Naomi hits a nice Monkey Flip. Paige returns the favor. More moves back and forth. Both do The Showstopper Flip to their feet which gets a nice bit of applause from the crowd. Clothesline from Paige. Two count. Paige puts Naomi in an Abdominal Stretch. Naomi finally shifts her weight and tosses Paige down. She hits a nice spine breaker lock, then lets go and turns Paige over, nearly getting a roll-up pin. Paige fights back and the two women collide. Paige gets up and rams knees into Naomi’s stomach. Naomi fights back with a kick to the head and a Cross Body but Paige reverses for a close fall. Paige goes for a Paige Turner but Naomi counters into a DDT and gets the win! Time was 5:13.
GRADE: B-. This was pretty good. Better than the last 87 Diva matches.
G/F: A ‘B-‘? You’re a hard grader.
ME: It’s a fucking B-! That’s better than what I’ve been giving!
G/F: If Jesus Christ came down and wrestled, you’d give him a B-, too.
Post-match, Cameron goes nuts, celebrating and Naomi isn’t pleased. Paige gets up and nods at Naomi and extends her hand. Cameron steps in front of Naomi and slaps the shit out of Paige. Paige is furious and completely demolishes Cameron in front of Naomi — who doesn’t lift a finger to help.
Naomi stands there as Paige extends her hand. They shake and that’s that. The Funkadactyls leave together.
Saxton and Phillips do the RAW Rebound: all the wrestlers out on the ramp for the big announcement
where the second-to-last spot would be decided by the Battle Royale where Cena would only get a shot if he beat THEDEMONKANE. And he did.
FRIDAY: 4 on 3 Handicap Match – Cesaro, Bray Wyatt, Del Rio, and Orton vs. Roman Reigns, Sheamus and Cena
Renee Young is with The Usos and Sheamus. Sheamus is itchin’ for a foight, Fella. Usos are ready to go Uso Crazy. They used the ladders once, they can beat them again. Sheamus says he’s bringin’ the Luck of The Irish. U-SO. BROGUE. U-SO. BROGUE.
Wyatts are here. Main Event is next.
We’re back with clips of the Rollins/Ambrose thing from earlier tonight, so…
THIS FRIDAY: Dean Ambrose will take on Kane.
MATCH #3: The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) & WWE United States Champion Sheamus
Bray starts with Sheamus. Bray tags Rowan. Sheamus dumps him outside. The Usos hit a flying shouldertackle to him Harper takes his place in-ring. Quick brawl. Sheamus gets the early upper hand and hits a Battering Ram for two. Rowan comes back with headbutts. Tag to Rowan who charges and Sheamus grabs him, hitting a Rolling Senton. Tag to Jimmy who hits some kicks after an initial flurry by Rowan. Jimmy pushes Rowan into the hero corner. Tag To Jey who headlocks Rowan. Rowan counters and snap mares him. After recovering, there’s a tag to Harper. Jey tags Jimmy. Irish Whip and Jimmy hits a tackle and an uppercut. Tag to Jey who comes down on Harper’s arm. Some shots on Harper and another tag to Jimmy. Harper finally shoves Jimmy away and a tag to Rowan as we go to break.
Jason Momoa IS Roman Reigns in GENERIC WWE BIKER FLICK. Coming to a Bluray Player near you because this thing ain’t going to theaters.
Wyatts in control as we come back. Bray gets tagged in and he clotheslines the fuck out of Jey, turning him upside down. Two count. Bray beats on Jey with headbutts in the corner, then hits a huge running clothesline. Tag to Harper who chokes Jey with a boot. Jey fights back but Harper hits a Sitting Powerbomb for two. Tag to Rowan who drops a knee to Jey’s head and gets two. Rowan hits a Pump Handle Backbreaker. Two count. Rowan misses a splash and a spear in the corner. Jey makes the hot tag to Sheamus. Harper’s in, too. Sheamus hits lariats and the knee lift. He tries the Ten Beats but Harper drops Sheamus’s neck on the ropes. He charges but ends up in the Powerslam.
Sheamus calls for the Brogue. Rowan interferes and gets Ten Beats. Sheamus goes for White Noise on Harper but Harper gets out. Tag to Jimmy who Cross Body Drops Harper for two. Rikishi Splash. Two count. Rowan interferes again. He gets dumped. Sweet Uso Music on Harper who tags Bray on the way out of the ring. Jey hits a Flying Uso on Rowan. Jimmy goes for the same but runs right into Bray who hits Sister Abigail and we’re done at 11:37.
WINNERS: The Wyatt Family
GRADE: C+. This didn’t sway me. It’s almost formulaic at this point. And chalk up another loss for the Usos who have to be the weakest tag champs in history.
The Wyatts celebrate as we go off the air.
OVERALL: I’d give it a B-. This wasn’t too hard to take. The Divas match was the best thing tonight. I can’t believe I just said that.
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