Quantcast

The PG Era Rant: RAW is FIFA

When last we left our heroes, they had
carried us on a thrill ride in South Africa. A Landon Donovan goal
very late ignited passion, but it fell flat just days later against
Ghana. Now, the rematch: can the Americans, now led by a German
genius, take it to the team that has had their number the last eight
years? The group is theirs for the advancing.
…wait, what? Raw? C’mon, it’s the
Cup!
Oh, all right.
The PG Era Rant for Raw, June 16, 2014.
Live from Cleveland, which would win
the World Cup of Joke Cities.
Your hosts are Old King and Cole
featuring a loudmouth Longhorn.
I’m not watching the pre-show because
USA.

Everyone’s on stage to begin, because
the Authority has a major announcement to make. Stephanie gives Seth
Rollins a pat on the shoulder on the way to the ring. We remind
everyone that Daniel Bryan is not cleared to compete at Money in the
Bank, and therefore our title is vacated. The Tron focuses on Cesaro
for some reason. Everyone’s out because the Authority CARES about
them, and they know the locker room doesn’t like a vacant
championship. After all, every day WWE Superstars lay it on the line
to prove they’re the best, and the Champ is the best. Being a
champion makes you immortal: just ask HHH. The fact is, the WWE is
only as strong as the champion, which is why it’s too bad that the
champ has been an underperformer like Bryan. (This sets off a YES
chant. Stephanie: “Yes, it’s true; he is a B+ Player.”) Look,
it’s not about his ability, but it’s about having no heart. He’s
selfish, which is why he didn’t defend the title and give others a
chance. It’s his refusal to fight that makes it unacceptable, and
everyone deserves better. So tonight, everyone’s excited because
somewhere on that stage is the next champion. Crowd doesn’t care and
wants Daniel Bryan.
So, tonight someone will enter the
Championship Ladder Match. Already in, as a reminder, as Randy
Orton, Antonio Cesaro, Alberto Del Rio, Sheamus, and Bray Wyatt. (If
the crowd’s anything to go by, Sheamus and Wyatt are favorites.)
Tonight, there will be a battle royal for one last spot.
Hang on, HHH wants to amend it: some
Superstars don’t belong in the Battle Royal. The rebels who refuse
to evolve will be left out of the event. And you know he means the
Shield. Also, John Cena’s being left out, which shocks him. But HHH
says he has his own chance… see, we know Cena loves to help people,
like helping Daniel Bryan or helping the Shield. So, he can help the
Authority tonight. See, we just found out a while ago there would be
a special match. Since Daniel Bryan can’t compete, we can’t give
that match. But they’re not liars, so the match will happen.
Translation: a stretcher match against Kane… with a Championship
Ladder Match spot on the line.
And with that, Kane’s music starts.
John Cena simply looks at the ring and accepts it. Seth Rollins is
applauding. Meanwhile, an ambulance shows up. The stretcher is
brought out for tonight’s main event. Michael Cole tries to figure
out why, but JBL shouts him down with how great the match is. Cole
is not thrilled.
Tonight: Kevin Hart to appear! Sheamus
faces Bray Wyatt! Dolph Ziggler faces Seth Rollins one more time,
and that match is next!
But wait, before we
go there, Kane appears on stage. Everyone else has headed to the back
for tonight’s show. Kane stares at the ambulance as we go to break.
Well, that was weird.
I mean, that’s the problem: you need
John Cena to be in the main event because the other two people you’ve
built up over the past few years… people we asked for… are either
injured or retired. Now’s not the time to roll the dice, because you
could kill someone’s drawing ability. So hold steady while you bring
someone up through the midcard and into the main event. It will be
interesting, though, if they decide to pull the trigger on Bray
Wyatt.
Dolph Ziggler v. Seth Rollins.
First, though, the WWE plays up the Special Olympics, which began
last night and which the WWE is a primary sponsor of. Dolph gets
introduced as being from Cleveland. Rollins still hasn’t gotten out
of his Shield gear. And we look back at Plan B. Seth with a
waistlock, but Dolph reverses to a headlock. Dolph with an early
tackle, and they face off as the crowd gets behind Dolph. Rollins
with a kick to get the advantage, and he works away in the corner.
He slaps around Dolph’s hair, then picks him up only to get reversed
on a corner whip. Hiptoss gets one. Crowd gets on Rollins, saying
he sold out. Back in, Rollins with a headlock takedown. Dolph
fights out, but gets tackled down only to recover with a dropkick.
Rollins reverses to a Hammer Throw, though, and both men are down as
we go to break.
Dolph/Rollins, part two.
Rollins gets two for some reason, then goes to a chinlock. The
hands go down around Dolph’s throat, which I approve of. Dolph with
a jawbreaker, but he goes for a dive only to miss and head to the
outside. Rollins tries to follow, but Dolph slugs Rollins in
mid-air. Back in, Stinger Splash and ten punch countalong by Dolph
leads to a flying clothesline. Rude Awakening is blocked by a calf
kick and enzuigiri. Rollins goes for the Curbstomp but misses, and
Dolph with the Sky High DDT for two. Uppercut by Dolph, and this
time the crossbody connects into mounted punches. Famouser is
countered for a powerbomb try, but Dolph with a sunset flip for two.
Rollins with the back kick, but Dolph leaps up to avoid the Curbstomp
and gets the Sleeper. Rollins and Dolph do a series of reversals,
leading to the Famouser for two. Both men are slow to get up. Dolph
is lining up the Zig Zag, but of course Rollins shoves him off.
Lionsault misses, and Dolph with a cradle for two. Sky High DDT is
countered to the turnbuckle bomb by Rollins. Rollins’ mouth is
bleeding. He goes for mounted back punches until the ref calls him
off. A second turnbuckle bomb, followed by the Curbstomp, looks to
finish. But Dean Ambrose races in and runs off Rollins at 11:07 for
the DQ. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. **1/4
Ambrose says it won’t be over until he gets his hands on Rollins.
Now, Rollins does nothing without HHH’s permission, but save some
time and just fight now, would you? Ambrose is ready to go, ripping
his jacket off. But HHH appears on the Tron and tells him to calm
down (making sure to mock Ambrose’s angry face). And HHH has bad
news.
And
here’s Wade Barrett to the ring. That match is next!
Rollins/Ziggler
had to end in a DQ – Dolph as the hometown man losing would kill
the crowd, but Rollins is on a roll and can’t job yet. The DQ
should’ve come about a minute sooner, though.
Dean
Ambrose v. Wade Barrett.

Joined in progress with Ambrose working the legs before chopping
away on Barrett. Ambrose gets whipped in, but lands a crossbody and
punches. Ambrose with a shot to the gut in the corner and some
forearm scrapes. Ambrose kicks away in the corner, then gets a snap
suplex for two. He rakes the nose of Barrett, then stomps away.
Barrett fights back, kicking in the corner. He pulls Ambrose out
with a swinging neckbreaker for two. Barrett drops the elbow for
one. To the chinlock. Ambrose fights up and reverses to a back
suplex. Barrett with a back kick and running kick, though, getting
two. Barrett with knees to the gut, and he backs him into the
corner, but he takes time to gloat and Ambrose comes out with a Thesz
Press and Cactus clothesline. Ambrose follows with a springboard
plancha. Ambrose sends Barrett into the steps, and back in, he hooks
a Tornado DDT. But Barrett fights out and clotheslines Ambrose off
the top onto the steps… and onto his shoulder. Ambrose is very
slow to get up, checking the arm, but when he gets to the apron,
Barrett boots him back down. Big kick on the outside, and Barrett
drops Ambrose’s shoulder on the ground as we go to break.
Ambrose/Barrett,
part two.

We return with Ambrose slumped on the outside, eyes glazed. Barrett
works punches, then rams Ambrose’s arm into the apron. Back in, it
gets one. Barrett works a top hammerlock as we see that Ambrose was
tossed into the post during the break. Ambrose with one arm gets
some forearms, then a hairpull slam. Ambrose with more forearm
scrapes, and he fights out of the corner with a Tornado DDT. It gets
two. Barrett stops Ambrose with punches to the gut, but Ambrose with
a straitjacket neckbreaker for two. Ambrose punches away with one
arm, but runs into the Bossman Slam for two. Wasteland try, but
Ambrose with a crucifix for two. Ambrose with a running lariat to a
big pop. But Seth Rollins is on the Spanish table to distract
Ambrose. Ambrose socks Rollins when he goes to the apron, then
tosses Barrett and dives onto both men. Rollins escapes, and Ambrose
races after him for the countout at 11:57. **1/4
Ambrose smashes down Rollins, then returns and knocks Barrett over
and lands the headlock driver. Ambrose has non-Shield music. I
don’t like it.
Backstage,
Roman Reigns asks Vickie to vouch for him, but the Authority doesn’t
want it. So Reigns points out that she’s become an errand girl when
she’s a damn Guerrero! So stand up for yourself, he says. Then
again, maybe she wants to be a yes-woman. But if that’s the case,
put sweetener in that coffee. Vickie races off to get it, and Reigns
doctors the coffee somehow. Reigns then asks Vickie when she’s going
to quit… and Vickie sneezes.
Later
tonight, it’s John Cena against Kane in a stretcher match for a spot
in the Championship Ladder Match.
They’re
here. And they’re next.
Ambrose/Rollins
is going to be really good. The Reigns/Vickie thing… I have no
idea where that’s going. Or what the endgame is. Vickie gets fired?
Why does Reigns want that? It’s kind of a dick move.
All
this week, it’s the Special Olympics!
There’s
a ladder in the ring! And Bray Wyatt’s on his way. Just added this
weekend: Harper and Rowan will face the Usos for the Tag Team Titles.
Wyatt chuckles to himself, then says power is everything. Without
it, everyone would be a mouse in the jungle running for their lives.
But power can be addicting. We need it, we crave it, and Bray Wyatt
believes power is the downfall of the world. A powerful man is
respected, but a weak man might as well be dirt. Power and influence
are what Bray does. And as long as they’re together in the WWE
Universe, the gold is the power. Bray asks the fans to do something.
He asks them to look at Harper and Rowan. Judge them however you
will, but every label views them as outcasts. They’re considered
worthless, like dirt. But the world is a mysterious place, since
soon those brothers will fight and will win the gold from the Usos,
taking all their power. Power and influence! Power and influence!
At Money in the Bank, Bray will be atop the ladder and will change
the world. Above the ladder is Bray’s absolution and glory. Up
there is the change that the world prays for. All that he has to do
is reach up and take it, and at that moment, he has the whole world
in his hands. Time for a sing-along.
But
Sheamus is on his way to the ring for a rebuttal! First, he tells
Bray to stop walking under a ladder, especially when the ladder match
is imminent. Yes, Bray is a bold man who says he has the whole world
in his hands, but Sheamus will send his whole boot down his throat.
Bray: “I LIKE THAT!” Sheamus says enough talk, let’s fight,
FELLA!
Sheamus
v. Bray Wyatt.

They lock up and tangle into the corner, and Sheamus shoves Bray,
who just laughs. Bray fakes a charge, and gets into a slugfest. He
loses, but headbutts out of the corner. He works Sheamus over in the
corner, only to get a shot to the head. Sheamus with headbutts until
he’s held off. Bray fights back with a clubbering and an uppercut.
Sheamus fires back and gets a short clothesline as JBL is annoying
me. Sheamus with a running kick and uppercut, but Bray tries a kick
only to get caught. Bray tackles Sheamus and pounds away. Bray
allows Sheamus up, then Hammer Throws Sheamus across the ring. He
works over Sheamus in the corner, but Sheamus reverses to a suplex.
Sheamus with right hands and an elbow, into a neckbreaker (sloppy
looking) for one. Bray with a chop to regain control, and he works
over Sheamus in the corner with uppercuts to the gut. He charges
straight into an Irish Hammer, though, and Sheamus gets a kneelift.
He goes to the second rope, smashing a forearm for one. He goes for
the Ten of Clubs, but Bray fights away only to get knocked to the
outside. Sheamus follows but gets surrounded – which calls the
Usos out for backup. It’s a six-man standoff as we go to break.
Sheamus/Wyatt,
part two.

Bray has a sleeper on Sheamus as the crowd decides to chant for CM
Punk because of a “434 We Want More” sign. Sheamus fights to his
feet, but Bray headbutts him down for two. Bray with punches to
knock Sheamus down, but the running senton eats knees. They slug it
out on their knees, and Sheamus wins that. He gets sent into the
corner but fires out with Irish Hammers and a shouder to the gut.
Kneelift misses, and Bray with the running collision for two. Bray
picks Sheamus up and tries the uranage, but Sheamus elbows out and
dumps Bray to the apron, leading to the Ten of Clubs. Sheamus picks
Bray up over the top rope, but the Celtic Cross is escaped and Bray
gets a Northern Lariat. An awkward whip reversal leads to a kick by
Bray, but a second try and Sheamus gets an Oklahoma Slam. He calls
for the Brogue Kick, but the Family stops it at 11:10. Here come the
Usos as well, and it’s a war at ringside. The Family get the edge
and throw the Usos in, and a ladder follows them. Sheamus fights off
Bray and gets the Finlay Roll on the floor, which distracts the
Family long enough that the Usos get a double superkick to the
ladder. Sheamus clears the ring with the ladder and sets it up on
the ropes, holding it in place as the Usos both race up the ladder
and dive onto the Family. Sheamus adds the exclamation point by
tossing the ladder onto the henchmen (Rowan appears to have gotten
the worst of it). The post-match was better than the match. *3/4
Backstage,
Vickie drops off the coffees, but one of them gets spilled and HHH
orders another. Stephanie enjoys her coffee, though.
Kevin
Hart is here! Plus, who gets the seventh and final spot in the
Championship Ladder Match? A battle royal happens tonight.
Three
matches, zero clean finishes, but you know what? None of the matches
needed a clean finish, so it’s okay. So far. Just don’t make a
habit of it.
We
have an ambulance in the house, because our main event is a stretcher
match.
Renee
Young interviews Stephanie McMahon, still drinking her coffee. Renee
asks about the battle royal tonight, and Stephanie talks about
opportunity… but she’s clearly a little off. She races away in a
hurry.
Paul
Heyman steps up to continue the intervew. He says chaos invokes
opportunity. And there will be a new champion, which is a guarantee.
He’s worried about Bray Wyatt winning the match. Or, what happens
if it’s Orton and the Authority has all the power. Alberto Del Rio?
Sheamus? Let’s hope not. But there’s a strategist in Cesaro’s
corner, and it’s the same strategist who made the Streak end. And
now another spoiler: Cesaro will win the gold.
We
look back at Rusev’s award ceremony. And no one cared then.
Heath
Slater v. Alexander Rusev.

Lana says nothing. JBL says Rusev’s award was designed by Putin
himself. Lawler: “It’s just a star!” Okay, wait, now Lana has
something to say. “Shut up!” That works as well as it ever
does. She says America was founded by weaklings whose insecurities
are in the fading colors of America. (You mean, the same ones Russia
has?) The men America worship lack conviction in their leadership
and shouldn’t be called men – especially compared to Putin.
America’s time is coming. Soon, the emasculated nation will drop to
its knees. The monuments will crumble, and new ones will be built in
their place – such as a Mount Rushmore with Putin, Lenin, Kruschev,
and Rusev. This gets a USA chant. Lawler (about Kruschev): “Is
that Dory Funk?” Rusev says whatever. But wait, Slater wants to
talk. “Week after week you all come out and talk about how good
Russia is.” He says they should just go back TO Russia, because
even Slater hates hearing it. HEATH SLATER FACE TURN! Tonight,
Slater is the American Rock Star. And then the beating begins.
Wait, Slater with the first shot, and he has the advantage until the
Russian Hammer and leaping kick hit. Rusev Crush already for the
tapout at 35 seconds. Well, so much for the momentum. Not much
booing after the match – time to face facts that Evil Russians just
don’t work anymore, Vince.
Meanwhile,
Stephanie is vomiting in the bathroom. HHH asks Vickie to check on
her. And of course Stephanie vomits on Vickie. A lot. WHY? Dear
God, why was this on TV? And now Vickie is having dry heaves, almost
joining the vomit parade. But HHH puts Vickie in charge and tells
her to take a shower. Vickie instead screeches.
I
would like to take this opportunity to call for Kevin Dunn to be
fired. I have no doubt this was his idea.
Backstage,
Roman Reigns checks in on Vickie, who is VERY upset. Roman says that
it’s clear her job’s in trouble, but maybe she can do something
positive on the way out. Reigns wants in the battle royal. Vickie
allows it just to get Reigns out of her hair.
Here’s
a look at Kevin Hart’s movie, “Think Like a Man Too”.
And
now Renee Young interviews Kevin Hart. It’s a typical synergistic
interview (“This movie’s gonna be bigger and better”)… but now
the Exotic Express appears. Adam Rose introduces himself and puts
the movie over as fantastic. But Hart needs to think like a Rosebud.
Hart thinks it’s drugs and refuses, so Rose and company just party
away. Hart will be on commentary, next.
Well,
that went nowhere fast. Much like Adam Rose.
Kevin
Hart comes to the ringside to provide commentary for our next match.
Holy cow, he’s short.
Fandango
and Layla v. Summer Rae and Adam Rose.

Kevin Hart is MORTIFIED looking at the recap of Layla and Summer
Rae. Also, Rose’s theme music is stuck in Hart’s head. The men
start. Hart (about his shirt): “Sorry, JBL, this only comes in
small.” Crowd is singing along to Rose’s music. Lockup, and Rose
gives a clean break. He gets a waistlock, but Layla tags in and
attacks Rose… so Summer Rae dives in for the catfight. Layla
shoves Summer away and tags in Fandango, who gets the edge of Rose as
the women race off to the back. Party Foul soon after ends it at
1:25, however. Hart’s commentary was fun, this match was nothing.
Kevin Hart decides to dance with the Exotic Express, rabbit or no
rabbit. Sighted in the Exotic Express: the Ascension. Rose and Hart
stage dive into the Rosebuds as they get carried off.
Nineteen
men have a shot at the spot in the Championship Ladder Match! It’s a
battle royal next!
See,
that’s how you use a celebrity – to get a midcarder over. That
hopefully gives Rose a good rub going forward.
Your
main event of Main Event is the six-man tag teased earlier on Raw:
Sheamus with the Usos against the entire Wyatt Family. Enjoy, Matt.
Battle
Royal for a Championship Ladder Match spot: Roman Reigns v. The
World.

Might as well call it what it is. Damien Sandow is in LeBron’s
Miami jersey. Roman’s music is a remix of the Shield’s. Sandow is
stuck in the middle and gets promptly dumped at 12 seconds. Crowd
pops. Why not. Now the battle royal chaos begins. Titus O’Neil has
Primo almost over, but he recovers. Rusev goes to toss Reigns, while
Santino works on Axel. Santino’s out at 1:11 somehow. Titus nearly
eliminates Dallas, but he hangs on. Kofi Kingston works over Jack
Swagger. Rusev has Primo in the corner, and he’s gone at 1:52.
Primo follows at 1:59. Woods charges Rusev and is gone at 2:16.
Barrett and Swagger almost get Langston out. Titus works on Reigns.
Double boot choke on Kofi in a corner. Langston goes over and back
again. Dolph airballs on Bo Dallas and sends himself over, but not
out. O’Neil is tossed by Reigns at 3:17. Sin Cara dodges Swagger,
then goes up top and gets caught. Swagger catapults him out at 3:50.
Kofi jumps on Swagger, but no dice. Ziggler tossed over but not out
by Ryback. Axel airballs Langston. Dolph hangs on for dear life
against Rusev. Bo Dallas has Swagger in trouble. He recovers and
pummels Kofi. Axel chops away on Rusev. Langston has Barrett in
trouble. Reigns , meanwhile, almost has Dallas out. Bo celebrates
still being in it. I love this guy. Swagger almost tosses Kofi, but
Kofi gets a headscissors and maintains his way in. Second try by
Swagger, and this time Kofi hangs on to take him out at 6:26 as we go
to break with 11 people left if I’m counting right.
I’ve
been told you can hear the refs say “Not yet” during some almost
eliminations. Maffew, please confirm.
Battle
Royal Qualifier, part two.

We return by looking at the belts as we appear to be down to 10.
Dolph is out and back in as Kofi Kingston was tossed during the
break. Rybaxel combine to take Ziggler out at 10:20. Bo Dallas
celebrates his dominance of Fandango, but Roman Reigns comes up
behind him. Rybaxel are working together. Axel tosses Dallas away,
and both tag members work on Reigns. Axel runs into Reigns’ elbow as
he fights back. Everyone runs into something from Reigns, including
Rusev getting the Superpunch. Ryback stops all momentum, but Reigns
with a headbutt. Fandango lands on the apron and kicks Reigns away.
Curtis Axel has a cheering section, but it doesn’t matter as Reigns
spears both men. He then takes Fandango off the top and out at
12:46. Langston suplexes Rusev as Reigns low bridges Ryback at
12:57, then tosses Axel at 13:03. Rusev and Reigns go at it, as
Rusev gets the jumping kick. RVD and Barrett are at it next, but Bo
Dallas wants to do something about it. RVD takes out Dallas with a
spinkick, but Barrett clothesliens RVD. Dallas and Barrett
double-team RVD. RVD sent into the corner, but he catches Dallas
with a high kick and Barrett with a flying kick. Rolling monkey flip
to Barrett, but Dallas knocks RVD out at 14:35. Crowd really doesn’t
like Dallas. Dallas makes sure Barrett’s okay, and they hug… so
Barrett gives him a short lariat and tosses him. Almost, as Dallas
hangs on. Reigns goes after Barrett as Langston works on Rusev and
Dallas slides in. Barrett’s out at 15:23 via Reigns. Dallas sends
Langston out at 15:27. Reigns spears Dallas and tosses him at 15:44,
so it’s Reigns vs. Rusev and the crowd loves it. It’s a HUGE
slugfest as Reigns gets the better of it, but Rusev gets a spinkick.
He gets ready for a Sumo Charge, landing an avalanche. He sets up
another, but Reigns follows with a clothesline and uppercut. Rusev
to the apron, hanging on as Reigns punches, and the Superpunch sends
him to the floor at 17:00 as Reigns wins. This really picked up when
there were 6 men left, but the beginning was just disjointed. *1/4
I can see why Scott Keith has trouble rating these things, by the
way.
Renee
Young is with John Cena and asks about Reigns’ win. Cena is excited
about it. He says the impossible can happen, and he loves that. On
Raw, anything can happen. Tonight, the Authority needed his help.
Kane wanted a stretcher match, so he gave them a helping hand.
There’s a hidden message, and it’s that Cena’s #1 (although he teased
a middle finger) because Cena in that match is best for business.
Crowd gave him a pass.
Sadly,
I was rooting for Bo Dallas, and I got a great run from him. That
says something about me, doesn’t it?
Cameron
v. Paige.

Interesting note during the entrances: Naomi is smiling and playing
to the crowd, while Cameron is staring ahead and in her own world.
Cameron is not impressed with Paige during intros. Paige with a
double-leg takedown for one, and she flings Cameron around by the
hair. She adds headbutts, then some knee smashes in the ropes. It
gets another one count. Paige with some back elbows in the corner
and Cameron bails, so the race around the ring is on. Cameron tries
to apologize for a slap earlier (on the WWE App), and the two shake
hands. Yeah, right, Cameron with a series of kicks to gain control
and another slap. Back in, it gets one. She tries again (“Stay
down!”) for one. Cameron shrieks in Paige’s face and beats her up
for two. Naomi is a little concerned about this match as Cameron
goes for a suplex, but Paige reverses. Paige is furious as Cameron
begs for mercy. Cameron kicks Paige’s leg out of her leg, but Paige
with a short clothesline, then two more. A single-leg dropkick
follows, then the PTO follows for the tapout at 3:13. Now that’s the
Paige everyone wanted to see. *1/4

We
look back at Payback, as Cody Rhodes feels he’s holding Goldust back
and will look for a new partner for Goldust. This leads to Byron
Saxton interviewing Goldust about a possible new partner that will
match Goldust’s star power and so on. Goldust has met him and is
thrilled to have him as a partner. We’ll find out who it is, next.
Place
your bets, everyone!
The
Rewind is Goldust attempting to team with R-Truth and not succeeding.
But Cody promises the perfect partner, which we’ll find out.
Rybaxel
v. Goldust and Stardust.
Stardust,
for those wondering, is clearly Cody imitating Goldust. The
announcers are confused. Are we supposed to pretend that isn’t Cody?
The brothers attack from behind, and they get double punches on
Axel. Crowd cheers for Stardust as he gets a DDT on Axel. Ryack is
dumped, and Cody returns with a springboard elbow. JBL all but
admits it’s Cody as he gets Diamond Dust (of course) for the pin at
58 seconds. The Curtis Axel Fanclub was louder than the rest of the
fans, who didn’t seem to get a good look at Cody.
We
look back at the Opening Ceremonies of the Special Olympics USA.
Celebrities include NBA rookie Michael Carter-Williams, Brooklyn
Decker, Jane Lynch, and David Otunga. Oh, and Big Show and
Stephanie. We show that the ramp has the Special Olympics logo on
it.
Up
next, our main event! John Cena and Kane in a stretcher match!
Okay,
folks. I work with people with intellectual disabilities in my day
job. They are wonderful people who make me feel like this job I have
is worthwhile. So no jokes about one of them booking Raw. They’d
have done better than Kevin Dunn.
SmackDown’s
feature bout will be Roman Reigns against Alberto Del Rio. We look
back at the battle royal.
Main
event, Ladder Match Qualifier, Stretcher Match: Kane v. John Cena.

In this match, the only way to win is to strap your opponent to the
stretcher and wheel it over the finish line, which is on the stage.
Cena slugs away on Kane to start, but he gets Hammer Thrown into the
corner. Kane kicks him down repeatedly as the duelling chants begin.
Kane with an uppercut and he kicks Cena out of the ring. Kane
pounds away on Cena on the outside, and he puts Cena on the stretcher
but can’t even get him away from ringside. Cena gets the stretcher
and shoves it into Kane’s gut, then charges it at Kane. Kane
reverses Cena into the STEEL steps on the outside. Kane stalks Cena
around the ring, then throws him into the post. Another trip to the
steps, but this one is blocked and reversed. Cena throws Kane into
the steps again, then rushes him into the barricade. Kane with a
right hand to floor Cena, and he rolls Cena onto the stretcher at the
aisle. Cena gets nowhere and crawls back to the ring as we go to
break.
Main
event, part two.

We return with Kane grabbing a chair and ramming it into Cena’s gut
before hitting his back. Back in the ring, we look at the belts.
Oh, and then at the match. Kane sets up the chair as the crowd wants
CM Punk again. Cena reverses to send Kane into the chair for a
double KO. Cena pulls himself to the top rope, but he leaps into the
chokeslam. Kane leaves the ring and gets some stairs. He tosses
them over the ropes and in, lifts them up, and he’s begging to be
drop toeheld into them. Yep, there it is. Now Cena sets the steps
up, and it’s an AA try, but Kane reverses to a DDT on the steps.
Kane pulls Cena out of the ring and preps the stretcher, putting Cena
on it. Up the ramp we go, slowly, but Cena falls off again. Cena
fires back with right hands to Kane before sending him into the STEEL
post. He cuts Kane off and keeps firing away, but Kane sends Cena
into the barricade. Kane clears the table, but Cena was playing
possum and gives Kane the AA through the same table. The camera
clearly showed Cena was lying in wait, too. Crowd gives this a YES.
Well, they’re nowhere near a stretcher, so Cena goes for the
fireman’s carry to the stretcher. Cena’s not going to make it, but
instead of doing an AA – Kane’s in position – he keeps the
fireman’s walk up. Only he’s too tired to put him on the stretcher,
which scoots away as he tries. Fortunately, there’s two stretchers,
so he tries to put Kane on the other one. That works, but Seth
Rollins emerges, as does Randy Orton. Rollins with a lariat on Cena
in the ring, and Orton lands the RKO. Rollins grabs a chair and
measures Cena, but Dean Ambrose emerges to cut Rollins off. Ambrose
dumps Orton and Rollins, so Kane returns and chokeslams Ambrose.
Cena low-bridges Kane to send him out. Cena thinks of his next move,
then grabs the steps and – just as at Payback – hurls them at
Kane with a direct hit. But now what? Cena brings the stretcher
back, and this time he’s able to scoot Kane onto it. All he has to
do is get it up the ramp… but Kane sits up just before the line.
Cena avoids a chokeslam, and he AA’s Kane onto the stretcher to take
him the last few feet at 16:07. Eh, I’m a fan of no-DQ matches.
**1/4
John Cena celebrates as we end the show.
THOUGHTS:
I
wasn’t always paying closest attention to this show, because I was
still excited over the USA’s performance. However, I enjoy
decent-length matches, and we got FIVE matches of 10 minutes or more.
Definitely
an acquired taste Raw. You had long matches, but they weren’t all
deserving of their length (Sheamus/Bray was a mess). Kevin Hart was
used well, but the vomit segment was unnecessary and pathetic.
Battle royals always get the crowd going and are useful in building
people up, but this one had all of one person who could’ve won it. I
can see just about any rating for this one.
Do
you look at the positives? Rollins/Ziggler getting massive time,
Reigns getting big heat, a fun no-DQ match to finish? Or do you look
at the negatives – no real strong matches, a long undramatic battle
royal, and Cena wins again? It’s your call. I don’t know.
STATS:

MATCH
TIME: 73:32 over nine matches

BEST
MATCH: Rollins/Ziggler
WORST
MATCH: Rusev/Slater
NIGHT
MVP: Roman Reigns
FINAL
SCORE: USA 2, Ghana 1.
Let’s
look at the lineup, folks!
TUESDAY:
Matt Perri gives you the WWE Main Event.
THURSDAY:
Scott Keith looks at NXT while Tommy Hall examines Impact.
FRIDAY:
Hall returns to give you SmackDown.
FLASHBACKS:
Hall will look at Nitro from 1999, Logan is looking at Raw 1998,
Brian Bayless will have some WWF 1986, and I’ll be here Saturday…
maybe… still trying to decide which show to recap. Meanwhile,
discuss this show.
And
GO USA!