Matt’s Main Event Recap – 6/3/2014

Welcome to the Tuesday Night Stream of Consciousness.

Before I begin, I’m gonna do the Today Show thing and announce a birthday. My Mom turns 64 today. Nobody needs her and nobody feeds her.

You see, because of the Beatles song and…heh…
Anyway…that should explain the lateness of the report. Fun (and plenty of cake) was had by all.
So, we’re about two days out of the Payback realm…and we’ve had an interesting 48 hours:

  • Daniel Bryan isn’t coughing up the title. I know that because Steph keeps telling us that.
  • CM Punk didn’t show up. Turns out he’s retired and living in Chicago, doing charity work – so, really, chanting his name is the new black — like the “WHAT” chant. It’s cute at first but after awhile, the performers work through it and the fans who continue doing it come across as irritating, obnoxious Smarks who think they’re hip.
  • John Cena actually had the match of the night. I’m in the minority but I don’t give a shit. I want to hate him just like all of you. Dude churns out some good stuff.
  • Like Sheamus. I’m not getting the Sheamus hate. I like Cesaro. I like both guys. They both work well together. Plus, I actually believe that Sheamus could, legit, kick someone’s ass. He’s a tank.
  • Kofi Kingston got destroyed by Kane. Steph wasn’t out there to tell him to stop 47 times and call him a bastard, so it was over pretty quick. Nobody wanted to see Bo Dallas wrestle anyhow even though his match was added to card at the last minute.
  • Rusev’s still boring and doesn’t have a feud, I guess, because E decided to grab some pizza and hit Wrigley for a game with Bray before coming back with the rest of the circus show.
  • The Shield…sigh. Ok. I get what they’re going for here. But wasn’t the point of The Shield winning to finally put a stake through Evolution’s heart and become the new, dominant future stable? So, then, what’s the point of grabbing Rollins and killing The Shield anyhow? And, at this point, what does The Shield do? If you don’t replace Rollins, The Shield’s your run-of-the-mill tag team. If you do, what was the point of splitting them? My theory? This was a last-second change and now the writers have to scramble to explain it. I kinda wonder if Ambrose turns on Reigns now…and then Evolution extends a hand to Reigns, saying “You can’t beat us, so joing us” and Reigns tells them to fuck themselves. Boom. There’s your Reigns push.
  • Matt is full of shit. Don’t believe a word he says. Just move to the next couple of paragraphs and read the Main Event review where Titus O’Neil gets squashed by Hornswaggle. 
All in all, I thought Payback was pretty good. It was everything that RAW hasn’t been but should be – bullshit kept to a minimum, matches with insane spots, near falls, suspense and performers everyone actually wants to see.
It’s too bad RAW was a giant pot of melted cow dung, topped off with a swerve to keep people watching.

Anyhow, let’s do this thing so I can hit the sack.

We are LIVE(!) from Cincinnati, Ohio where the Reds soundly destroyed my Giants, 8-3!

Byron Saxton & Tom Phillips are your guys on the mics.

TONIGHT: Bad News Barrett will defend the Intercontinental Championship against RVD!

Speak of the devil. Here’s Barrett. He says he hit RVD hard, at Payback, with the Bullhammer. He did it so hard that RVD became even more delusional than he already is. He has a problem, however — Cesaro left him high and dry on RAW. Somehow, the WWE thinks that RVD should get a title shot. He says that RVD has been beaten so badly lately, he’s been losing more and more brain power that he walks around, saying his own initials. The fans chant with this, so Barrett makes fun of them.

He says he’s got some bad news: RVD is gonna see his career end soon…but, because he’s lost so much brain power, he’ll get to have a starring roll on The Walking Dead. Then he imitates a zombie saying RVD’s initials.

RVD flies into the ring from nowhere and attacks, driving Barrett from the ring.

TONIGHT:

  • The Shield was SHATTERED!!! We’ll analyze the crap out of that!
  • Also: Brie quit! So, we’ll analyze that, too!

Goldust is backstage, talking with Cody. No audio.

Commercial for WWE Countdown on the WWE Network. Still a better show than Legends House.
We the recap of Brie quitting at Payback.
And a recap of Steph letting us know that the title will be stripped if Daniel Bryan can’t compete at Money in the Bank.
THIS MONDAY: Steph will, once again, let us know what’s up with that title!!!

MATCH #1: Goldust & Kofi Kingston vs. The Wyatts (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan)
How many people will think this thing will end with Goldust and Kofi walking away winners, raise your hands! Dust starts with Rowan. The two glare at one another. Dust gets in Rowan’s face and does his goofy femme thing. Rowan gets put into the corner but comes back at Dust in the other corner, punching at Dust and kneeing him in the gut off the ropes. Rowan goes for a Powerslam but but Dust counters with a dropkick, tags Kofi and the two hits a double dropkick. Kofi hits an armbar but Rowan elbows out. Rowan misses a huge boot to the face and Kofi hits a quick dropkick. He punches at Rowan in the corner and then tags in Dust. They lock up and Dust ends up in the heel corner.

Tag to Harper. Dust kicks him in the face and drops him to the mat. Tag to Kofi and Kofi kicks at Harper, hitting a nice roundhouse. Another whip and, this time, Kofi gets a kick to the head. Rowan pounds on him and then slams him. Kofi comes back with a Sunset Flip but Rowan pulls him up and puts him in the corner, kicking Rowan in the face on a charge. Harper tries to attack Kofi but Kofi moves and tags Dust who is all over Rowan with punches, chops and an uppercut. He hits a nice Hurricarana and Powerslam in stride but Rowan catches him in the face with a big boot. Dust is down as we go to break.

MONEY IN THE BANK promo.

Special Olympics promo.

After break, Dust is getting manhandled near the heel corner by both men. Rowan elbows at him and clotheslines him from behin, then hits the Head Crusher as Cody looks on for some reason. Dust comes back with a back elbow off the buckle. Rowan tags. Harper goes in and knocks out Kofi. Harper tries to charge Dust in the corner and there’s a nice flipping Sunset Flip Powerbomb. Hot tag to Kofi. Kofi flies all over the place, hitting clotheslines then and hits the Moondrop. He goes for Trouble in Paradise but Rowan interferes and Harper hits a Big Boot. He tries a pin but Dust saves it. Kofi comes back by knocking Harper out of the ring and hits a Suicide Flip to the outside.

He hits a Crossbody but Rowan saves the pin. Dust comes in and knocks Rowan out. Harper knocks Dust out. Kofi rolls up Harper and gets two. Kofi turns around and tries for Trouble in Paradise and Harper clotheslines him hard for the win at 10:11.
WINNERS: The Wyatts via pinfall
GRADE: C+. Cody forgot the “turn” in “heel turn”. Anyone wanna throw me a bone on why I’m supposed to care about this?

Clips from RAW’s tag team match where Sheamus and RVD beat Barrett and Cesaro.

Renee has RVD backstage. He says that Barrett’s wrong, then sounds slightly sauced as he proclaims himself to be the best and that Barrett is delusional.

NEXT: Rollins turns on The Shield. Oh noes!

WWE Shop commercial.

THIS FRIDAY: Bray Wyatt will return to Smackdown.

Byron and Tom discuss The Shield fracture and we’re shown clips of Rollins turning on his former guys.


Barrett’s out for his match. But, first, some commercials.

Promo for Legends House: the boys are gonna roast one another. At a roast. Pat Patterson’s not funny which is ironic because Patterson’s old and should know…how to…be funny. SUBSCRIBE!


MATCH #2: Bad News Barrett (champion) vs. Rob Van Dam (challenger) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
First two lock-ups end in a stalemate. So RVD opens up a can of Roundhouse on Barrett’s head, then beats on Barrett in the corner, getting two. Barrett rolls outside, so RVD hits a nice flipping splash. Both men are down outside. Action moves back inside the ring. RVD with the initial advantage, choking Barrett with a boot in the corner. Barrett comes back, whipping RVD into the corner. Barrett charges but gets a face full of elbow. RVD hops up on the buckle but Barrett shoves him off and RVD flies outside, hitting the crowd barrier. We go to break…

Commercial for WWE Greatest Wrestling Factions (HORSEMEN! FUCK OFF!)

We’re back quickly. RVD is sent into the ropes and tries to jump up with head scissors but Barrett kicks him and gets two. Barrett boots him from the ring and then goes outside, ramming RVD’s head into the steel steps. Two count. Barrett goes up to the second bukcle and hits a flying elbow drop. Two count. Barrett puts RVD into the corner and pounds on him, celebrating afterward. He kicks RVD and then gets two. Barrett tosses RVD into the buckle but RVD counters and then flies off the buckle but Barrett catches him with a huge clothesline for two.

Barrett puts RVD into a headlock. RVD fights out and gets tossed into the corner. Barrett misses a high boot. Both men try to get to their feet. RVD hits clotheslines and then a kick to Barrett’s face. He hits Rolling Thunder and we get two. RVD goes into the ropes and counters a body drop but Barrett hits Winds of Two Count. Barrett misses another attack in the corner. RVD kicks him in the head and goes for the Frogsplash but Barrett knocks him off and sets up for the Bullhammer. Then Cesaro interferes and hits the Neutralizer on Barrett and RVD at 11 minutes.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via DQ
GRADE: D+. This wasn’t going anywhere. I hate matches that telegraph the ending before the match is even set to begin. And what is Cesaro anyhow? A heel? A face? What does that make Barrett? 

Heyman smiles and says, “Very nice” to Cesaro as we go off the air.

OVERALL: C-. Not as bad as the last show. Still not very good.

That’s

it. Thanks to Scott Keith, who will get you the NXT report and
Tommy will take you into the weekend with the Smackdown Review. Andy PG will start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday.


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