It’s Matt, in for Andy PG who is out sick this week. I’m here to do the report because I Bo-lieved.
Let’s all wish Andy to get well soon and we’ll see him back here next week.
For those of you who didn’t, I don’t know what else to tell you. I’ll give you the RAW-like bit with Kofi and the Rusev squash of Big E (if you’re gonna squash somebody, why make it somebody like Big E?) and, yes, the Rhodes Brothers.
I think the only good thing that came out of any of those three matches was the Spear spot by Big E, finally closing the door on the Rhodes Brothers feud…and, I dunno, knowing that you shouldn’t say anything to Kane over Twitter unless you want him to come to your house and Tombstone through your living room floor into your basement.
Beyond that, we had a great Last Man Standing Match, a great main event with The Shield and an incredible Sheamus/Cesaro fight.
Also, Daniel Bryan’s still the champ…but, for how long???
Almost the entire show worked — because it was everything that RAW has failed to be since Wrestlemania. It was exciting, suspenseful, entertaining,
And you got to see Brie slap Steph. Wasn’t that something?
And, yet, I share that sinking feeling that most of you have: it’s all downhill for the next four weeks.
We start with a photo collage of the Evolution/Shield fight from last night.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Indianapolis, Indiana!
Michael Cole, JBL and King are the guys with headsets.
Evolution’s music hits and out comes Triple H (sporting a nice shiner on his left eye) with Orton and Batista. There’s somebody in the crowd with a sign that says, “CHEER FOR BATISTA Says No One”.
Triple H says that The Shield thinks they’ve won. They haven’t. They will never win. He will end The Shield. Batista grabs the mic. He says he doesn’t care about The Shield. He’s done with that. He wants the Championship match he was promised against Daniel Bryan. Triple H says he’s the leader and there’s a reason for that. (G/F: “Because you’re fucking Steph??”) There’s a plan to all of this. Batista says that he doesn’t care about Triple H’s plan. He wants a match against Bryan and he wants it tonight.
Triple H says that he can’t grant Batista a match because, news flash: Daniel Bryan is unfit to compete. Besides, Batista would “choke in it anyway”. Crowd liked that. Triple H apologizes. He asks Batista if he really wants to go down in history as the guy who lost to The Shield. Triple H doesn’t want that. He never starts a fight he can’t finish. This ends when The Shield is no more. Until then, nobody gets ANYTHING.
Batista says he understands…and…he quits. Then he does a British Princess wave, mocking the crowd, walking to the back. Triple H screams at him as Batista walks off, shedding his Armani like a snake.
Meanwhile, Orton was there, too.
Cole and the boys can’t believe it.
- The Shield is here and we will hear from them.
- Brie Bella has quit, too! What will be the fallout from that?
- Sheamus & Rob Van Dam will take on Bad News Barrett and Cesaro in tag team action!
- TNA couldn’t sign any of these guys to steal second base.
After a break…
We recap WHAT WE’VE JUST WITNESSED. A WWE lackey stops Batista backstage and actually says “It sounds like you’ve just quit!” Batista can’t believe this crap. He gets crap. He’s done with crap. He’s outta here.
MATCH #1: WWE United States Champion Sheamus & Rob Van Dam vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett & Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman)
Heyman joins the guys at the announce table as Cesaro is all over Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus boots Cesaro in the face and goes up to the top rope with a Battering Ram, getting one. The two move the fight to the corner and Cesaro hits a Gut Wrench. Cesaro uppercuts Sheamus and then tosses him into the corner but Sheamus comes back with a clothesline and tries Ten Beats. Cesaro pulls on his arm and drops to the mat. Tag to Barrett. Barrett goes for a hip toss but Sheamus just clotheslines the shit out of him and tags in RVD. RVD goes for a Body Drop. Barrett kicks him. RVD kicks back and gets two. RVD with kicks in the corner and gets whipped onto the opposite side but RVD leaps up on the turnbuckle and counters, flying at Barrett. Barrett counters, dropping RVD to the mat as we go to break.
After break, Barrett has Barrett in an armlock and then boots RVD in the face as he tries to make a tag. Tag to Cesaro who puts RVD into the corner and uppercuts him hard. He puts a headlock on RVD who breaks free and tries to get to Sheamus. Cesaro uses his weight to keep him down. Cesaro hits a nice Gut Wrench and then glares at Cesaro before tagging in Barrett. Barrett hits a Swinging Nekbreaker and gets a two count as Cole pats the WWE Universe on the back for making “BLUETISTA” a thing. Barrett puts RVD into a headlock. He elbows out, and kicks Barrett but Barrett tosses RVD out of the ring. Cesaro gets tagged and throws RVD into the crowd barrier.
Back in the ring, Cesaro stomps on RVD in the corner but RVD counters with a Leg Scissor pin for two. Cesaro regains control and it’s another headlock. RVD elbows out of it. Cesaro attacks Sheamus after taking out RVD. Sheamus is furious and tries to get into the ring. RVD nails Cesaro with a Spinning Kick and tags in Sheamus. Tag to Barrett on the other side. Sheamus hits the clotheslines, kneelift and a powerslam on each heel. He signals for the Brogue but misses. Heyman is up out of his seat. He grabs Cesaro and they ditch Barrett after Barrett hits Winds of Change on Sheamus, getting a near fall. Barrett is pissed. He grabs Sheamus and goes for Wasteland but Sheamus elbows out and tags in RVD. Barrett charges but catches a Brogue and then the Frogsplash and we’re done at 13:18.
WINNERS: Sheamus & RVD via Frogsplash
GRADE: B-. Not a bad start.
TONIGHT: The Usos take on The Wyatts.
Frustratingly, Legends House is in the Top Ten on the WWE Network.
Music with a guy whistling starts and the Jumbotron reads, “LANCE STEPHENSON”. Oh, no…no…FUCK, IT’S SANDOW. Is there a reason why Kane can’t come out and squash him?
Sandow taunts the crowd about the Pacers’ season being over. 1) LeBron is the best player of all-time, 2) The Pacers are a loser team from a loser city and as a public display of his skills, he will shoot baskets into a kiddie hoop set. He spins and moves all over the place — and Big Show’s music hits. Sandow can’t believe he’s being interrupted.
Sandow challenges Show to a game. Show accepts, throws the ball into Sandow’s balls and then hits the WMD. Then he dunks the ball as Chris Copeland applauds at ringside.
And then we get a recap because Creative needs to pat themselves on the back.
TONIGHT: The Shield is here.
MATCH #2: Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas
After Sandow, this seems just right. Cole remarks that Kofi can’t be 100 percent what with his beating from Kane. Dallas says the Heat won because they BO-LIEVED. Dallas hits a shoulderblock and celebrates. Yawn. Dallas gets back in the ring and offers to shake Kofi’s hand. Kofi refuses. Irish whip and after a lot of running and leaping, Kofi hits a dropkick on Dallas. Dallas falls outside the ring. He gets back in. Kofi fakes nice and extends his hand. Dallas looks pissed, then shakes it — then kicks Kofi but Kofi catches the boot. Kofi kicks him but Dallas manages to put Kofi down and hit some rolling knees. The crowd chants “BORING” as Kofi counters a corner whip with a Missile Dropkick and chops. He hits another huge dropkick and a corner clotheslines and gets two. Kofi hits a slingshot from the corner and hits a nice Crossbody for two. He rushes Dallas who kicks Kingston with a kick. Dallas rushes and Kingston does the same. A bit more back and forth and Dallas wins with a Bo-dog at 4:07.
WINNER: Bo Dallas via Bo-dog
GRADE: Enthusiastic B-. This was the match Dallas needed. Somebody on my Payback review had hinted at Dallas breaking the squeaky clean character to become that cheater. Kofi is the best foil that Dallas has had.
Post-match, Dallas celebrates and tries to congratulate Kofi who shrugs him off.
Clips of the Evolution thing from earlier.
Renee Young is backstage, looking for Triple H but runs into Steph instead. Steph, as it turns out, is gonna go out to the ring to talk about the World Title for the 4th time in three weeks because this is what Steph’s been reduced to: reminding us that Daniel Bryan exists and how much she hates him.
After break, Steph’s out to dead silence. She says Bryan showed his true colors. He is selfish. He didn’t surrender the title. Everyone deserves a fighting champion but Bryan doesn’t seem to get that. Steph mentions that Brie slapped her. Crowd pops. They do a YES chant. Steph says she’s tough. She’s a McMahon. She’ll live. Steph says Bryan will have to wake up each day and look into his eyes and have to deal with look in his wife’s eyes and he’ll have to deal with her crushed dreams. Daniel Bryan will face THEDEMONKANE (because, fuck it, that’s his name now) in a “Stretcher Match”. If he can’t compete, then the big match at Money in the Bank will be for the vacated championship.
Cena’s music hits. Steph tells him that the fans seem to like her more than they like him. She says that she gives her sincere congrats on beating the Wyatts. Cena thanks her and says they probably haven’t seen the last of the Wyatts. Crowd does their usual split Cena thing. Cena says he loves their fandom. Steph tries to interrupt them. Cena tells her not to interrupt them. They’re here for a good time. Cena says he’s here, he’s an employee…(G/F: “What, is he quitting, too?! Jesus…”) and no one person is bigger than the Championship — not even a spoiled brat like Stephanie McMahon.
Cena says he gets it and Steph needs to get with the program: Bryan is good AND he’s the champ. At the end of the day, it’s about proving yourself in the ring. Every single time Daniel Bryan steps into the ring, he PROVES he’s Championship approval. Bryan beat Cena fair and square and took the tile from him and now they want to eliminate him from the WWE. Steph says Bryan’s a B+. He can’t compete. Cena says he’s had surgeries. So has HHH. Even Steph has had “surgeries”. Steph breaks character for a second. Cena says, “We’ll lock that one up and move on.” Cena says Steph has wasted the WWE’s time. Cena says he’s giving Steph a “0” on a scale of “1 to 10” when it comes to job evaluation.
Steph says she’s gonna give Cena an opportunity to fight tonight so she can “evaluate” him. His match is against THEDEMONKANE. It starts now. Steph says payback is a bitch — and so is she. Kane’s fire hits. Cena gives a look like “not again”. We go to break…
MATCH #3: John Cena vs. Kane
Cena is being pounded on by Kane as we come back. He makes a comeback but Kane hits a big boot and gets two. Cena comes back with a dropkick but Kane comes back with a Sidewalk Slam. The two trade punches. Kane goes for a Chokeslam but Cena hits moves 1 through 3. He goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and hits it. He goes for the AA but Kane escapes and beats Cena senseless in the corner until the ref DQ’s him at 4:51. Oh, how exciting.
WINNER: Cena via DQ
GRADE: 0 out of 10.
Post-match, Kane pulls Cena outside. He takes the steel steps apart and goes to put Cena on them. Cena retaliates by tossing Kane into the ringpost. He lifts the steps and throws a Fastball Special at Kane, then walks off at the requests of a pack of WWE referees because Cena’s WAY too dangerous.
Kane wakes up and goes Alicia Fox on the announce table, tearing it apart. Then he leaves.
After break, Cole pretends like Cena’s evaluation of Steph is as binding as a Security Council Resolution at the UN.
A recap of Triple H being angry at The Shield and Batista quitting.
Renee Young is backstage with Randy Orton. Randy Orton says Batista quit and that’s that. Orton says he’s still the Face of the WWE and will face Roman Reigns tonight.
REWIND: The idiotic midget match. Go ahead and tell me I’m wrong about how awful this was.
MATCH #4: Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) vs. Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre (w/ Jinder Mahal & Hornswaggle)
Heath Slater says Hornswaggle’s been using “MiracleGro”. Hornswaggle comes out with a Fro. (G/F: “He’s a fucking Chia Pet now?”) Some wrestling happens. Then Torito rips off Swaggle’s wig. Swaggle runs away in shame. Slater is sad. He wants Swaggle back. Then he gets rolled up for the pin. I saved you about three minutes. Trust me.
WINNERS: Los Matadores via pinfall
Post-match, Torito puts the Fro on. What, no recap from the video crew?
We get a plug for the Special Olympics.
MATCH #5: Nikki Bella vs. Alicia Fox & Aksana in a Handicap Match
No, Nikki didn’t lose Alicia’s cat. Nikki didn’t overwater Aksana’s lawn. Steph’s pissed so Handicap Match. Nikki trips Aksana. Fox kicks Nikki. Aksana kicks Nikki and tags Fox. Nikki elbows Fox. Two count. Fox comes back with a Scissor Kick. We’re done at 1:10.
WINNERS: Fox & Aksana
GRADE: F. I miss the Missing Cat angle.
Post-match, Fox throws a tantrum. She hits a Spinning Backbreaker. The two beat up on Nikki for what seems will be ages. This lasts longer than what we just saw.
Wyatts! Oh…it’s pre-taped.
Bray’s missing. Harper says they’re taking over for Bray. Oh…this isn’t good at all. Harper gives a generic bullshit imitation of Bray. Follow. The Buzzards. Sheep.
After break, Zeb Colter is talking up people who should be deported. He mentions Adam Rose. They do WE THE PEOPLE.
MATCH #6: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Adam Rose
We’re on a roll with bullshit now, so let’s get this over with. Swagger puts Rose in a corner. Rose counters and spanks Swagger on the ass. He does it again after an attempted slam. Uppercuts in the corner and Swagger comes back with a huge boot to Rose’s head. Swagger slams Rose to the mat and hits an arm lock. Rose gets out and starts hitting some jabs and an Atomic Drop. DDT by Rose. The crowd is going crazy for Rose, chanting loudly for CM Punk! Rose hits the Rose…Planter or whatever and wins at 3:17.
WINNER: Rose via pinfall
GRADE: D+. Eh. Rose’s best showing so far. Has a ways to go.
Byron’s backstage with the Uso’s. They’re still fired up from last night. They’re gonna take care of business. Jimmy growls and barks like he’s stolen Hulk Hogan’s coke stash and the Usos run off.
After break, Bray’s absent. The Wyatts are in the ring.
MATCH #7: The Wyatts (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos (Jimmy & Jey)
Rowan and Jimmy start it off. Rowan punches Jimmy in the corner. Jimmy comes back but Rowna puts him in his corner and tags Harper. The two trade shots then Jimmy hits a Cross Body and there’s a tag to Jey. Hey hits some shots in the corner but then gets kicked in the face on a whip. Tag to Rowan who drops a knee into Jey’s ribs and then knocks him down with an uppercut. Chinlock by Rowan. Jey gets to his feet. Jey tries to lift Rowan and Rowan falls on Jey for two. Tag to Harper. Harper chops Jey and works on him and it’s a tag back to Rowan. Rowan slams Jey but misses an elbow. Rowan puts Jey in a corner and then clotheslines him. Side Suplex fails and Jey tags Jimmy. Jimmy hits forearms and a kick to Rowan’s stomach. Rowan won’t fall. Jimmy tries a Sunset Flip but that doesn’t work. Rowan tries an elbow but misses. Jimmy gets two. We go to break after the Uso’s double team Rowan and Harper and the heels get sent outside the ring.
After break, Harper is beating Jimmy up outside. Harper rolls him back in the ring and hits some elbows and gets two. He tosses Jimmy into the heel corner and then uppercuts him. Tag to Rowan. Rowan stomps at Jimmy, then attacks Jey, knocking him off the mat. Rowan puts Jimmy in a corner and beats on him. He drapes Jimmy off the top buckle and slaps at him, then headbutts him. Rowan charges but Jimmy moves and Rowan flies into the post. Jimmy goes up top and nails Rowan. Tag to Harper and a hot tag to Jey. Hey works Harper over, hitting clotheslines, kicks, an uppercut and Enzuguri. He puts Harper in a corner and hits the Rikishi Splash. Two count. Rowan makes the save. Harper hits a boot to Jey’s face and gets two. He tosses Jey into the corner but Jey moves and runs to the other corner hitting a missile dropkick and Samoan Drop. Jey goes for a top rope move. Rowan interferes so Jey jumps off the ropes and nails Rowan. Harper slidekicks Jey out of the ring. Jimmy hits a splash to Harper outside. Harper gets tossed into the ring. Jey tries the Superfly Splash but Harper gets his knees up and Jey is in pain. Harper is up and goes for Jey but Jey hits Sweet Uso Music and gets a CLOSE fall. Tag to Rowan. Tag to Jimmy. Jimmy rolls Rowan up. Two count. Rowan hits a Sidewalk Slam. Done at 14:07.
WINNER: Erick Rowan via Sidewalk Slam
GRADE: C-. No energy and way longer than it needed to be. And ANOTHER loss for the Usos. Even the Outlaws didn’t lose this many matches when they were title holders.
TONIGHT: Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
TOMORROW ON MAIN EVENT: Rob Van Dam will challenge Bad News Barrett for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
MATCH #8: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler in a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Stalemate on the lock-up. Crowd is big-time behind Ziggler. Ziggler fights out of a corner and hits quick elbows after a two count. He gets a two count after several of them. Rio comes back with and Armbreaker and Enzuguri. Stomps and a two count. He chokes Ziggler against the bottom rope and then hits a Side Suplex for two. Ziggler fights out and dives at Rio who tries a Spinning Backbreaker but Ziggler counters and hits a dropkick. He tackles Rio and hits punches. He misses the neckbreaker but hits the Fame-Asser for two. Rio comes back and gets the Spinning Backbreaker for two. Rio goes for the top rope but Ziggler leaps up and hits a DDT! Two count! Wow. I thought it was over. Both men get to their feet. Ziggler tries the Zigg Zagg but Rio throws him off. Counter after counter. Rio hits the Cross Arm Breaker and wins it at 5:35. Really?
WINNER: Del Rio via Cross Arm Breaker
GRADE: D+. I’m really surprised Ziggler hasn’t quit. This was sheer shit on a stick.
Backstage, Goldust and Cody are chatting. No audio.
MATCH #9: RybAxel (Ryback & Axel Curtis) vs. Goldust & Sin Cara
Cody is, apparently, choosing new tag team partners for his brother. So, it’s America’s Worst Cooks all of the sudden. Dust starts with Axel who shoulderblocks Dust. Dust comes back with an Inverted Atomic Drop and armbar. Tag to Ryback. Dust tags Sin Cara who hits a kick. More kicks and it’s back to Dust. Dust gets shoulderblocked out of the ring. Ryback runs him into the crowd barrier. Dust gets put back in the ring and it’s some double-teaming to Dust. Axel gets a two-count and puts Dust in a headlock. Dust fights out but gets dropkicked by Axel. Tag to Ryback who goes off the ropes with an attack but Dust counters and tags Sin Cara. Cara comes in and takes out Axel with kicks and a Crossbody. Springboard Elbow by Cara hits Axel. Dust gets involved. Ryback misses his Spear. Cara fights off Axel until Cara misses his splash and Axel hits the Perfect Facebuster for the wine at 4:51.
WINNER: RybAxel via pinfall
GRADE: D-. This angle is just getting worse.
NEXT: Rusev’s apparently a Russian hro so he will be awarded somehow. Right here. In America.
Lana does her usual thing where she draws heat from overly-Jingoistic fans and shakes her ass. Then she talks about Edward Snowden. He’s a hero. And Russia cherishes heroes. Who’s ALSO a hero? Poo-teen. Rusev is introduced and comes out in a suit, waving the Russian flag. Lana says Rusev is being presented the “Highest Russian Cililvian Honor” to Rusev by another Russian. If this was the plot of Wrestlemania 7, I wouldn’t be buying this. We even get the Russian National Anthem and confetti…and no run in by E? What the fuck was the point of all of that bullshit?
Trent Richardson is at ringside.
Bray Wyatt returns on Smackdown. Why the holy hell isn’t he here TONIGHT?
More clips of Batista quitting.
MATCH #10: Randy Orton (w/ Triple H) vs. Roman Reigns (w/ Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins)
Triple H has a sledge with him as he comes out to the ring. He says that, last night, it was Plan A. Tonight is Plan B. Rollins has a chair and waits…and attacks Reigns? Then Ambrose. Fuck this. He nails both men repeatedly, then grabs a new chair. The crowd does the YOU SOLD OUT chant. Hold on a sec.
WINNER: No contest
GRADE: Doesn’t matter.
Post-match, Rollins grabs another chair and joins Triple H and Orton. He hands Orton the chair. Orton whacks Reigns. Triple H steps inside the ring with the sledge. Orton grabs Reigns and hits the RKO on the chair. Rollins steps inside the ring and Triple H puts his arm around Rollins. The three men stand tall. Ambrose wakes up a bit but the heels don’t care.
So…does Batista get his title shot now, or…?
OVERALL: The show started well and then devolved into complete bullshit. This was, maybe, just above what we saw last week. D+.
it. Thank you to Andy PG. We wish you the very best and I’m very sure we’ll see him back in proper health this coming Monday. I’ll be back, tomorrow, with Main Event, Scott Keith will get you the NXT report and
Tommy will take you into the weekend with the Smackdown Review.
you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please
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