Recap: Legends’ House – Episode 7

This week, on Legends’ House,  the guys play “How well do you know your roommates?”, and then, apparently, Shawn Michaels drops by.

Previously, on Legends’ House, they LARPed and complained about smelly food some more.

Daytime.  Gene voiceovers that they “hit some little joint, downtown Palm Springs”.  Just when I think this could be a genuinely good episode, I realize he’s talking about a restaurant.  He says that he was looking forward to getting out of the house because “some guys get on your nerves”.  And, because the editing team thinks that we are also a bunch of dopes, they make a point to focus on Jimmy Hart again.   Gene complains how Jimmy talks a lot, and then the guys order breakfast.  Jimmy really is a fucking weirdo, though, as he orders Minestrone soup and a wedge of lettuce.  For breakfast.  I’ve never even heard of someone ordering a wedge of lettuce.  They clink their glasses together and toast “to breakfast”.  That’s creative.  Gene goes on to say that they usually don’t get together as a full group of 8.  Meanwhile, ALL they’ve been doing is getting together as a fucking group of 8.  I need a beer.  Gene steals my thunder by saying, essentially, “I thought something was going to happen, but it didn’t.  Nothing happened.”  That’s the God Damn truth.  He’s referring to breakfast, my vision is a bit wider.  And that’s all for breakfast.

Everyone is on edge coming back from breakfast, and Ashley is already inside.  They’ve got a a game show set up in the house, and she instructs the guys to sit at their assigned seats.  The host comes out and tells them the plot of the game.  It’s basically “The Newlywed Game”, or, for those of you born later than I, “probably not worth watching”.  Pat says to us that he and Finkel have a real good chance of winning, since they’re good roommates.  And then he rolls his eyes for some unknown and probably non-existent reason.  The host does his patter with the guys, and when he gets around to Tony, Tony either burps or growls at him.  These people are really weird.  So anyway, to explain the dumb game – in the first round, at least, half the guys have to leave, and the other half have to answer silly (and possibly wacky) questions about them.  Then, I’m guessing here, the guys who left will then come back and try to match the silly (and possibly wacky) answers that their roomies gave.  Oh, and Ashley looks pretty hot.  Hacksaw says that he and Roddy have become good friends, but have only recently gotten to know each other, but everyone else has been friends for years, so he and Roddy are at a disadvantage.  First question to Hillbilly is “What do you think Jimmy (Hart) would say is his favorite thing to eat?”  Heh, the editing team put in a fake game show laugh track, which increased my enjoyment of this immensely.  Hillbilly’s answer is “Beans and potatoes”, which I don’t think is a euphemism.  Same question for Hacksaw, who answers “Pot Roast”.  Gene says that Tony likes “Chitlins”, and Fink says Pat likes “Toast”.  Oh, for fuck’s sake.  Pot Roast is the only slightly acceptable answer on there, and it’s just barely fucking acceptable.  Whose favorite food is toast?  Next question is, “What is your roommate’s most annoying habit?” Fink and Hacksaw say that the other guys will say “Snoring”, HBJ says “Too much energy”, and Gene also says, “Snoring, I think he might fart through his nose.”  The laugh track laughs, but I didn’t, because.  Next question is “Ugly ugly ugly.  That’s all I think of when I see my roommate’s ____.” Hacksaw was going to say testicles or butthole, but he goes with “scars”.  Gene confusingly answers “talk”.  Finkel says “messed up hair”, and Hillbilly says, “scratches that he got on his right legs.”  Or maybe he said “white legs”.  I really don’t know.  The other half come back in.  Pat knows what Finkel hates about him, Jimmy says his alarm clock (wrong), Roddy and Hacksaw really do act like newlyweds, and they get it right.  Tony’s answer is snoring, and got it right.  This is so stupid.  Can I not recap this?  Well, HBJ and Jimmy got the food thing right, as did Hacksaw and Roddy, who everyone thinks are cheating now.  Tony and Gene got it right too, and Pat fucks it up and RUINS IT.  Actually, he just got the question wrong.  Roddy gets the “ugly ugly ugly” question wrong, and taps Hacksaw on the arm and says, “Sorry, honey”, which did not trigger the laugh track, although I did giggle a little.  Tony Atlas chews tobacco, and thusly got his answer wrong.  Pat thinks the answer is his ass, which he probably thinks is the answer to every question he’s ever been asked in any situation, but sadly, is wrong.  The two Jims get their answer right, and I’m seriously done caring about this.

Ugh, I just realized there’s going to be a round two, and presumably, a round three, of this death.  This is kind of the same feeling you get when you’re watching one of those Holiday themed Raws or SmackDowns, and they do that inevitable terrible “comedy” bits, where someone eats too much food, or people throw food, or whatever.  It’s awful and way too long.  You guys get how this works, right?  I don’t have to recap all the questions and answers, right?  Tell you what, I’ll watch it, and if anything funny or interesting or surprising happens, I’ll make sure I take note.  Deal?

So, that’s the end of the game, and…ok, fine.  One of the questions is asking the guys what their roomies wear to bed, the next is whether they need a chef, assistant, or trainer, and the third is, “what would your roomie do with a thousand dollars?”.  Thankfully, the editing team zips right through this.  The fourth question is, “What would your roommate say they couldn’t live without?”  The answers are uninteresting, and the other half of the guys come back in.  Ooh, and the host says this is the deciding round, where the winning couple will win the “Mystery Prize”.  Hacksaw admits to sleeping naked, usually, and it’s gross.  Everyone accuses Jimmy of cheating, and who cares.  Roddy whispers his answer to Hacksaw, thereby ACTUALLY cheating, and I still don’t ACTUALLY care.  Roddy cheats again, and this part is worth the price of admission.  It was the “name the one thing you can’t live without” thing, and Roddy whispers to Hacksaw that he answered “Wife…wife”.  Hacksaw, being a fucking block of wood, says, “Life”.  Which, you know, is technically correct.  You can’t live without life.  And they got it wrong.  Pat thinks it’s as funny as I do, but sadly, no laugh track to confirm it.  So, the Jims win, and Roddy admits to his cheating, and it’s pretty funny.  The Jims win an afternoon of private tennis lessons at the Legends’ House.  What a shit prize.

The next day, it’s Tennis Time!  The tennis chickies are probably 40’s ish, and pretty hot in a sun damaged, 40’s ish kind of way.  Gene calls them “the most beautiful women he’s ever seen” or something, and no.  But not bad.  Anyway, the guys suck at tennis, while Gene makes perverted “funny” comments on the side.  Gene asks Fink if the ladies qualify as “cougars”.  Not to you, they don’t, Gene.   And that’s all for tennis.

They sit around for dinner, and Roddy tells the guys he tells them he has to go sign autographs in Atlanta for a day or two, and Hacksaw is scared to be alone.  That’s literally that entire segment.  Hacksaw, the next day, tells us how much he misses Roddy.  “I think he’s coming back…not tonight, darn it.”  He really delivers this like a 5 year old, and it’s really weird.  The phone rings, and Hacksaw is hoping beyond hope that it’s Roddy on the phone, but it’s a wrong number.  He looks truly sad, or as truly sad as he can muster after being told by the producers to “act sad and pathetic while Roddy’s gone”.  Hacksaw then goes up to Pat and asks if he heard the phone ring.  He figured Roddy would call him, and Pat, hilariously, says, “Jesus, are you fucking falling in love with him?”   Hacksaw then calls and leaves his umpteenth message on Roddy’s voicemail, as he swings and kicks his feet like a little girl calling her crush.  This is really, really weird.  Hacksaw points out his position on a globe, and Roddy’s position on the globe, and how if they both look at the sky at night, they could both be wishing on the same star.  He then yells at the globe to call him.  The phone rings, and Hacksaw BOUNDS toward it, but it’s another wrong number.  He smashes the phone in frustration.

It’s morning, and everyone is waiting for Ashley to come in, but it’s SHAWN MICHAELS.  We get some clips about how great he is and was, and he busts in with a fishing pole.  Everyone is happy to see him, and happy to go fishing.  Tony both over and undersells it by saying, “Going fishing with Shawn Michaels is going to be one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever had…since I’ve been here.”  Well ok.  Gene makes a gay joke about himself and fishing, but also about Pat, and it’s all very confusing.  Shawn Michaels says for the 385th time that they’re going to go fishing, and have fun.  Got it, thank you.  Anyway, they get on the boat at some lake, and Pat doesn’t wanna bait the hook.  I always thought he was a master baiter – GET IT!?  Because…eh.  Gene invites Shawn to live with them, and Shawn declines, only moderately politely.  Tony, meanwhile, is talking to the fish, because he’s a dummy.  He then talks to Shawn about the “Chitlins Incident”, and Shawn visibly does not give a fuck.  No one is catching shit, until Howard finally hooks a branch of some kind.  Pat catches the first fish, then Duggan and Hillbilly both grab one.  Shawn says, “Sometimes people are under the impression that when you go fishing, something’s gotta happen for it to be a success.”  I swear, they are just doling out the meta references to this fucking show today.

Back at the house, the guys are gonna clean and cook the fish that they caught.  Which, unless they edited out the parts where they caught fish that were bigger than 8 inches, these ain’t them.  I am SHOCKED.  I thought this was REALITY.  Shawn says that if you’ve been in the WWE for any amount of time, you know how to survive.  He clearly has not been watching this show.  This group can’t even order delivery without going into the fetal position and asking for help.  Jimmy is talking and annoying everyone, especially Gene, who is cutting and cleaning the fish.  Now, I know again that this is completely contrived – but Jimmy really is fucking annoying.  Gene agrees, as he tells Jimmy to get the fuck out of the kitchen.  Shawn is mildly amused by the whole thing.  Heh, and then Jimmy is making his dumb potato in the oven, and his dumb sunglasses fall off into the oven.  The guys sit around eating, and talking about the business and how they deal with getting away and how the industry has changed, and of fucking course, the show completely glosses over it.  Well, you wouldn’t want to have to edit out the stupid Newlywed Game show.  Shawn leaves.  This was awful.

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